I have really debated posting here because I see so many people going through exactly what I’m going through. I have beat this monster several times in my life over different obstacles, my biggest trigger was being unfaithful In a relationship or lying, but then a few years ago I had some intrusive thoughts go through my head that (98%) of other people just tell themselves “that was weird” but I latched onto it. After a medicine change and tons of research I learnt people with ocd and anxiety have these unwanted intrusive thoughts. I somehow got over it and went on with my life. For about 4 years on lexapro I felt great, lived a normal lifestyle had great friends, everything was good. I got the flu back in February, and it triggered my anxiety, I thought I was dying. It scared the living crap out of me... to make a long story short, things went south, I’m still “stuck” it just seems to be something different every week, and I obsess over it until I vomit, my chest hurts, I can’t eat etc. I’ve somehow managed to keep my family, and my job but when I get through this I hope I can still say the same, so basically I was molested as a young child, not to a extreme extent, I’m a very sexual guy as most are of my age (24) .. but there for a while I couldn’t walk past a kid without thinking “I’m a sicko” or “I’m a pedophile” and to be honest the thoughts were very disturbing, they made me think something was bad wrong with me, I seeked out to anxiety groups and no one understood they just thought I was some kind of freak. But seeing a child does not turn me on, it makes me sick to my stomach with anxiety. And why? Because I’ve obsessed that I’m going to become somebody I’m not. Or that I’m attracted to young kids, or etc etc ... I have no clue why this has happened to me? Questioning that ultimately makes it worse. I’ve just been learning to go with the flow and remind myself everytime it’m triggers that it’s just ocd. (Hard as heck) it’s something you can’t walk out and talk about, without being judged as a freak. It’s not something you can just tell a friend. Holding it in makes you feel like even more of a freak because your mind tells you that your “hiding” something. Look people it’s real. And it’s discouraging, it’s the worse feeling in the world. I have kids, which makes it harder, because you feel awful just thinking why am I going through such a sick, painful torture when in reality you’ve never done anything? Triggers, you look at a girl in a dress. And then you look again to make sure your feeling fear instead of attraction, but then you fear that you just looked and question that as well. It’s hard. It’s unexplainable, and it makes it hard to wake up every day and know you have to fight something like this. But I have faith that it will all work itself out and no matter how scary it gets I’ll never run. If anyone relates feel free to comment or message, if you don’t understand this and think I’m some freak, good for you. Because I’m not. I love older mature women, I’m married to a wonderful woman. I’ve had plenty opportunities to act upon something like this had I really been this way before I starting obsessing on it. And the only reason it seems so real is because of the ocd. You’re obsessing over a FEAR. Hang in there people.