"Themes don't matter" - Rant

Trigger warning!!! I'm in a total slump this morning... OCD has ruined friendships and relationships, sometimes, because my constant suffering and my limitations keeping me from being all fun and games, sometimes because of my themes. When I hear, that OCD is OCD and that the theme doesn't matter, I can only shake my head. I am sure, I would have not been cut out by some people, if I only had "suffered" from MT OCD, as it might come off as weird, but not as dangerous and perverted. I got told by a former partner, that he doesn't believe, that I suffer from OCD... he didn't need to say out loud, what he believed me to be... but for clarity purposes I type it out, he thought I am a paedophile. Knowing that someone you love think that of you is really painful. And always wondering, if others cut you out due to your theme, but lying about the reason, is hard to take, too. I had medical professionals ask me - But you don't do anything to children, right? - when I had been honest about my theme. I had various themes and all had the potential to bring me down to my knees, hurt me massively and limit my life, but POCD hits on levels no other theme could and it makes people suffering from it, or at least me, even more alien and lonely. There had never been a pre and post OCD with my first big theme (MT OCD), but for years, I categorized memories that popped up in my head in pre 2005 and post 2005, aka pre POCD starting and post POCD starting. I suffer from OCD for about 32 years and from POCD for 17 years, I just have enough! I just want this self-distruction to stop! Because that's what it is, my own mind attacking me severely and there is no running and no hiding. When I told my sister, that I had hit rock bottom, I got met with a snide comment, that she hit rock bottom, too, as she has three kids and two jobs. I stopped talking about it, as all I wanted to say was - You chose them, your kids had all been planned and you chose your jobs, too... I on the other hand did not choose to suffer from OCD, I had no choice... It started, when I was 6, or 7 it impacted everything ever since... And before this post gets flagged, or deleted, no, I'm not suicidal, just massively sad and angry.

POCD

BigGyro09

Date posted: 3y

Sorry that you're going through this :( Unfortunately I suffer from POCD and real event. My thoughts usually involve my mind trying to find proof that I am bad and I am what I fear to be. Pretty much who I don't want to be. The one thing that makes this so difficult to deal with is the addiction I'm trying to get away from. I'm trying not to label myself as a bad person for the addiction and the thoughts but it's tough. I'm sorry that when trying to get it out to somebody you trusted and loved, they didn't seem to understand. Try to do the same for yourself. Don't see yourself as bad, you're just struggling. You deserve the help you need and you people shouldn't shy away from you because of thoughts you can't control. That isn't fair because everybody has thoughts they can't control. We unfortunately have intrusive thoughts more than others

Enya

Date posted: 3y

@BigGip09 Thanks, it's just hard, but whom am I telling. What do you mean by addiction? You mean addiction to do compulsions?

BigGyro09

Date posted: 3y

@Enya No, something completely separate from OCD

Cody Fournier

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 20w

OCD switches themes

I was just thinking about how OCD tries to be tricky and switches themes on us!! The amount of times I have said to myself in the past, IF ONLY I HAD THE OLDER THEME I USE TO WORRY ABOUT BECAUSE THIS NEW ONE IS SO MUCH WORSE!!! Has anyone ever experienced this before? Once I started ERP therapy, I began to really start understanding what mental/physical compulsions I was doing to really keep my OCD alive! While I did this, I would also tap into my self-compassion bucket, even when it felt like it was dry at times, because it was SO easy to judge myself for because of the sheer presence of my thoughts. I would also have the most self-compassion for myself for those taboo intrusive thoughts that really felt so strong, ego-dystonic and real!!! My OCD would hop around from theme to theme and just when I thought I figured it out (compulsion) it would hop again and make me discouraged! I noticed for me that once I really understood my compulsions, it didn't matter when the theme switched as I could tackle it at its core. If I was able to stay steadfast and resist compulsions the best I could, I started to notice that my CONFIDENCE increased in the long run! I also noticed that some of the core fears were the same for different OCD subtypes. OCD treatment is hard BUT living with OCD is harder. I have experienced subtypes including Harm OCD, ROCD, Moral Scrupulosity, Sensorimotor, Contamination, Perfectionism/Just Right, Hit and Run, Magical Thinking, Real Event/False Memory. ERP therapy allowed me to really work on stopping these compulsions and switching from theme to theme. I was fed up with what OCD took from me and I needed to do something about it. I talked to an ERP therapist and it was one of the best decisions of my life. If you are struggling, keep pushing and get the help you deserve!! You got this!!!

Dude01

Date posted: 20w

It's about the Themes, you can't convince me otherwise

"The themes don't matter, it's the OCD that's the real culprit!" I don't buy that. How's that? I didn't have this crap until the real event themes came along. I wasn't born with OCD, I didn't have it from a young age, etc. This was learned, this was real event theme triggered, this was a bad habit that kept on on going and never died, the frequency just picked up and now it's a daily hell. This wasn't happening before the actual themes. Which makes sense. It's a result of being "stuck" in a cycle of guilt, shame, and constant cognitive challenges to "deal" with past deeds. I've very skeptical of any future solution. The fact that there doesn't seem to be any permanent solution for real event OCD is defeating and depressing. I don't know how people "beat OCD" without some level of delusion mindset or baked out of their mind in medication. Doesn't seem to be a holistic or real solution to this. Just more of the same hellish routines. I'm just very pessimistic, it's been years. Where is the hope. Sick of being stuck like this.

Real Events OCD

f7nn

Date posted: 18w

My current predicament

Struggling with TOCD has probably been the hardest theme I’ve had to deal with so far For reference. I’m a gay male 20yr old Before this theme I was so open with my gender expression, love drag and used to do it for a time. A lot of my friends are trans women and my whole life is queer When this theme hit. It’s like I completely lost who I was. Questioning everything I enjoyed, not participating in anything because it triggered me so heavily. I went through a whole gender journey awhile back and the trans path never spoke to me when I looked into it. I love my physique and my face but now when I look into the mirror i feel like a shell of who I was. I can’t find any sort of pure enjoyment without the accompanying “what if” or “you’re this” intrusive thought I still enjoy how I look. I’ve not looked in the mirror and felt like anything is missing from me or needs to be taken away I just feel like a spectator in my life while this disease tells me I’m not who I know myself to be I affirm myself every day I know who I am and it may change in the future but that’s not important. It’s highly unlikely it will but it may! Giving into the uncertainty has been so hard but it’s worth it! My ocd has really picked up since getting into my first serious relationship I care about my boyfriend with my whole heart but over the course of our relationship my themes have included Health Relationship Irreality Harm I just want to be who I was again before this current theme it feels unbearable to live like this BUT! I’m seeking appropriate treatment and not giving into a majority of compulsions I just wanted to write this to see if anyone can relate and if they do. Know that you will overcome this! I know I will and you will too

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"Themes don't matter" - Rant

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