- Date posted
- 3y
Update
I confessed my real events to the people I was afraid of confessing them to. They forgave me, but now my mind has come up with new issues, ie. "You forgot this one thing and you for sure need to let them know that, too." Or making me feel guilty for telling them in the first place too. The point is, even if I think something will settle it once and for all, it won't. Thats what OCD does, puts you on the endless quest for closure. And I should've known that based on everything I read. I thought it was the courageous thing to do though since I was so scared. But now it's REALLY time to learn ERP methods and how to treat the root issue. My life has had constant evidence of OCD and telling any more details to the same people would not only feel unnecessary but bringing up a past wound again. Until I address the root this will not solve by simply relying on telling other people and thinking that's the solution. I have a new perspective on guilt. It's only useful if you need to heal damage, but irrational if it only affects you to bring unnecessary damage to others who were unaffected. I've always felt unnecessarily guilty about everything in my life, so of course OCD latches onto this. Right now, insurance isn't an option and I can't afford to pay further uninsured for treatment on this platform. However my therapist provided me some resources before therapy ceased, including a book titled Needing to Know for Sure which has essentially flawless reviews. I believe I can still overcome this on my own with the proper tools, and/or perhaps find different therapy that will accept the insurance my school provides. Don't lose hope! Through this all I've realized how pervasive this disease is. It will literally doubt who you know you are and make you think you're the worst person ever. Just because you feel the distress and guilt, its not telling of actual actions you need to take. It's the mental illness making you feel these things. It says YOUR mistakes are unacceptable then accepts everyone else. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. But I'm not remaining here forever. I know I am a good person put on this world for a purpose, and OCD is trying to weigh me down on the past that doesn't even exist instead of me being proactive and making the changes that I was put here to make NOW.