Bi OCD kicked in again

@blazed I’ve nearly had compulsion where I wanted to hire trans escorts to see if I liked it. I am just laying in bed and waiting for this to leave my body. I know I’m not bisexual because I did ERP two days ago and I was fine. When I did a compulsion yday, I felt like throwing up. Today, I was fine then again.

@blazed It also keeps saying I’m in denial.

@Ghost123 See you already know you’re not bi but OCD is twisting your thoughts! If you act on it, it might make you feel worse because you’d doubt yourself more. Don’t look for certainty because you’ll question everything further and the cycle will continue.

@blazed I’m not sure if what I did was ERP but I had check. I went on instagram and searched up “twinks” and found myself less and less aroused. Still anxious but it’s less now. Like, idk what just happened lol.

@Ghost123 It sounds like you did a compulsion but idk 😭 the best thing to do is sit with the discomfort and not engage or analyze the thoughts. Something that’s been helping me is agreeing with the thoughts like saying they’re “real/my true desires” or when I’m triggered I say “this is a good opportunity to do my exposures” and I’ll try my best to tolerate the distress without reacting impulsively.

@blazed So you agree with the intrusive thoughts? Does this help? I usually say “maybe idk, later” or say something goofy and funny but that triggers my stims sometimes. I don’t wanna risk making weird faces in public haha. What exposures do you use? I’ve said the orientation that my head intrudes with sometimes. One time I got fed up and just repeated the word “bisexual” around 30 times and then my anxiety disappeared

@Ghost123 It does help a bit! Arguing against it and using logic makes it worse. I also say those phrases too like “maybe, maybe not”, “I don’t need to figure this out right now ”, or “who knows”. It’s hard sometimes tho 🥲 As for the exposures, I read coming out stories (especially on people who came out later in life), I read the comphet master doc, and I stopped avoiding women, specifically those who are gay/bi. I say the sexuality too but idk if it’s working for me.

@blazed That’s great to hear that it’s working. It’s strange, I had relationship OCD for weeks upon weeks before I had SO-OCD. I would download various datings and swipe swipe swipe. I would get worried about not dating someone already because life is moving fast and stuff. I would imagine myself with a woman in a relationship and how I would act. It felt normal but also very time consuming. This one time, I spent around 2 hours on a voice note to send to this girl just to get the tone ‘right’. I never realised that that was OCD. Holy shit lol, it really affects me everywhere! I also get paranoid about not wiping my butt properly or people “finding out I watch porn”. Yikes. Before I finish, I had worries about people looking through my cameras on my laptop. So sometimes I would shift my laptop just be sure. This is a revelation for me.

@Ghost123 Omg yes I relate to a lot of what you said. A few years ago I was going on websites and meeting a lot of new people (mostly guys) and it became so addicting but in the end nothing came out of it except my energy being drained. I knew I was attracted to guys but now it felt like it switched. Idek at this point. I also relate to the computer thing, I put tape over my camera but for some reason I’m convinced that someone’s still looking at me 😭

@blazed Damn, OCD really gets to us silently. I’m glad I’m on this app after months of being distracted lol. With the dating apps, sometimes guys would randomly pop up but I would swipe left. Why didn’t I feel anything back then? OCD I guess. I think OCD may have caused me to abandon my previous religion as a whole but I also conscious decide to leave it too. I had moral scrupulousness and religious OCD for years. Possibly induced by my mother but it was there none the less. I also had philosophical OCD a few months back where my brain would reduce everything to first principles. I also just did a compulsion earlier but I felt relived afterwards to be my normal self again. That being said, I tried my best to not check the app or frantically search on Google.

@Ghost123 Right? It’s so annoying! I’m glad I’m here too, this app helped me a lot. And that sounds like OCD alright. It’s crazy how it changes our self-perception. I haven’t dealt with moral scrupulosity or religious OCD myself but I can imagine that it’s really difficult to go through. But I understand the philosophical one, I was just like that and it got worse when I was depressed because I’d question everything and it made me dissociate a lot. It wasn’t fun.

@OoOcCdD66 I hope so. It’s like my sexuality gets questioned every week. A year ago this barely happened. Ever since my mental breakdown, I’ve had this issue again and again. From the way I sit, or make a joke, or anything. It pulls anything to make it seem more and more real every time. I will try this method though

I've also tried incorporating this into my mindfulness practice- and I guess that's just it. Find a mindfulness practice that works for you so that you can get into a routine of reminding yourself to be calm and that everything really WILL be okay no matter what.

@Ghost123 I can't reassure, but I can say it's totally normal for it to stick with you for that long. I've certainly had fears that stuck around that long and even sometimes try and pop back up. Eventually you will more than likely start to notice the make up of ocd and how it works...you'll start to recognize how it tries to get you and how to deal with it. And part of that is letting it be there. Accepting today, this week this month, may be hard. But trust that things could and most likely will at least get easier. I can promise you that in time, with some work, things will start to clear up. Don't get to hung up on being mad you relapsed. It's normal. We all go through it. I'm currently in a relapse myself. But I know eventually it'll pass and I'll experience some peace before the next wave comes on. Go easy on yourself! Tell yourself "I'm gonna let this be and go live anyway...I can worry about this later tonight". Do something you love regardless of how you're feeling right now. We have to live regardless!