- Date posted
- 3y
Pocd
This might be a bit long but it’s the first time I am talking about it. Tbh I don’t even know where to start, maybe if I write it down I will feel better but I don’t know. So if all started when I discovered what hentai manga pages were. I didn’t know what these websites were but I found out about them through a twitter website and they posted this story that was kinda wholesome of this bf and gf, so basically a manga that was 18+. When I went to this website I didn’t really know that lolicon and shotacon was so common and when I was looking for stories to read the covers will always come one and I would try my best to avoid them like trying my best not to look at the covers and even looking away from my phone when I was scrolling. I didn’t know the damage this would do and I only started noticing when I started to fee uncomfortable around kids and then the groinal response started to happen. It didn’t even have to be images just the fact that I was avoiding them and felt uncomfortable. At first I didn’t know what was going on until one afternoon I collected my thoughts and started to think why am I feeling this way. I cried so much because I didn’t want to be pedo. I was so distraught and ashamed. I felt like my brain my torturing me, when I finally started to feel happy and look forward to the future and have a family and raising my kids without the traumas that I went through and giving them all the things I didn’t have. This came and ruined everything for me. I started to do my own research and I found out that it was POCD, I haven’t been diagnosed with ocd but I have seen obsessive behaviour within myself like having to check the doors multiple times even thought I know they are closed or my brain not letting me relax unless I wash my hands for no reason. None of those alarmed me until this and honestly it was so bad I wanted to kill myself. The thoughts would get so bad I wanted to do anything to get rid of them such as pinching myself and hitting my own head, I even almost cut once. I started to feel better because I kept researching on others that are going through the same thing got better and basically all I had to do was tell my brain to shut up because it was not making sense. This actually helped and I was so happy even though I will go through times where it’s not as easy to tell my brain to shut up it actually helped. The next problem I had is even though the thought and the awful images were gone I was stuck with the anxiety or my brain telling me I’m faking not feeling anything when I am around children, even if I am not feeling anything the awareness is still there. I am happy that it’s better then before tbh sometimes it is bad but the thoughts are less frequent. Now that I was able to overcome that my brain decided to cling to another thought which is that I find it hard to trust men. This honestly sucks because I want to have a bf and even get married one day but I can’t get rid of the feeling that what if he is a bad person who does bad things to kids. This stems from all the pedo stuff I have seen is don’t by men and the lolicon mangas I had seen men were the main character. I know that women can be pedos too but because most content I have seen was men I find it hard to let this anxiety go. My brain will put me in their shoes and I will try and find reasons as to why they wouldn’t be attracted to kids. I know this is dumb because I know not all men are like this but I brain simply won’t let go, I can’t tell my brain to shut up and that it’s being ridiculous because I am not those people and I don’t know them personally. I really don’t know how to overcome this :( the future I wanted of a family is gone because my brain keeps going what if my partner hurts our kid. I am so tired of feeling like this, sometimes I feel like my brain is factory resettled and I have to retract myself all things like why certain things is bad and stuff. I’m honestly tired I was so happy that my intrusive thoughts were going away and the images were going away but now I am stuck on this new thing. I should mention that when I were having the intrusive thoughts and images they weren’t me doing things to kids but a faceless man doing something. I were able to overcome it because I know I’m not like they but this new thing that my brain is stuck on I don’t know how to overcome. I’m probably not making sense but I needed to let that out after holding it in for so long n