I feel so convinced it’s not ocd and I try to remind myself it is but it’s extremely hard and I’m so exhausted trying to fight my ocd and tell it that the things it’s telling me aren’t true because they’re starting to feel so real and I hate it but I’m not anxious anymore I think I’m just tired and trying to accept these thoughts or feelings but it’s so hard I just want to feel like myself again and be in a relationship without over thinking everything (suffering with Tocd and soocd and am a girl and want to be a girl) but this is all so hard I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore and I’m trying to get used to how things are now so I can just try and live but i feel like I can’t or when I feel like my old self it feels wrong and I get anxious and now I just feel like I’ll be alone forever because I don’t want to be with girls but I feel like I can’t be with a guy anymore I don’t want to live with this anymore I’m so tired of my head and my brain I hate this so much

This is exactly how I feel omg. I also feel like I won’t be able to date a guy and have those experiences ever again because of my OCD. I’m honestly so confused about my identity. This has traumatized me and I’ll always be reminded of this.

@blazed exactly and what makes it worse in my case at least is I’ve never had those experiences with guys but I’ve always wanted them and have tried to talk to a guy and be with a guy (I have a therapist and we believe it’s due to core beliefs I have of myself not seeing myself as someone to love etc) which I’m sure plays a part in that but it just sucks still because I feel like I’m always having to put a pause on any kind of relationship because I have to work on myself before I can get into one and it’s just so lonely all the time and I don’t want those experiences with girls. I love having them as friends and nothing more than that but now it’s like I don’t know and since I haven’t had those relationships with guys or experiences at least not a lot and most were long distance it just feels like I can’t have those anymore

@khm I feel your pain 100%. I also think of myself as unlovable because of my mental illnesses. I always wonder who would put up with me when I’m unhappy almost all the time. I understand how tiring it is to feel this way :( oh and my experiences with guys were long distance too! I questioned if I was bi in the past but I realized I wasn’t and I just wanted to be with a guy but now it’s like my entire world flipped. I really relate to what you’re going through, you’re not alone 🤍

@blazed I’m so glad to know because it’s just been so hard with other subtypes I feel like it easy to know like oh I definitely wouldn’t do this or something so it was a bit easier to get past like I had harm based ocd in the past and I’m not trying to invalidate the pain and anxiety it brings but I knew I wouldn’t do those things and external validation helped a lot but with Tocd it’s so confusing because it’s not a situation where it’s like I know I wouldn’t do that (I wouldn’t do it because I don’t want to but I feel likes it just a lot harder and it messes with your whole identity and what you want) and yeah I’ve questioned if I was bi too but I also came to the realization that yes women are pretty but I really don’t prefer to be in romantic relationships with them because personally I love the idea of being in a heterosexual relationship and now I just feel ashamed of that and like embarrassed when I know I shouldn’t because that’s what I want but I’m so confused and it sucks being in long distance relationships too it’s so hard not having someone there with you and to just share little moments with im sorry your going through this too but it’s so nice to know we both are going through similar situations because it just feels like everything was so blurry before because of like thinking I was bi and stuff because other people weren’t really talking about that

@khm Sorry this is so long!

@blazed and then the not feeling loveable or being deserving of that omg!!!! I get a little scared that if I finally do allow myself to be in a relationship with a guy then I’ll also want to be in one with a woman but I don’t want to but that core belief has made it so hard for me to be comfortable with a guy because I’ll always end up like feeling trapped or something idk I just get so so scared but I literally want that so much and I always feel like I have to put it on hold which I’m just so tired of because I feel like I’ll waste away my life and the things I want later on because I can’t allow myself to just be with someone but then it sucks because (this sounds awful) but guys I don’t like or don’t want to be with always approach me and guys I actually want don’t and they go for other girls that I wish I looked like and so it just makes things and my self confidence so much worse and my idea of being loveable you know

@khm Omg yesss I relate to everything you said! You’re right other themes feel easier to deal with than the ones that attack your identity because you can’t truly get an answer on it. I wish it was possible to. Now I feel like I have to fight for my identity when I didn’t really have much problems before. It gets so confusing and makes me feel like I’m being homophobic or something. And I love the idea of being in a heterosexual relationship too!! But these days I keep hearing about how sexuality is fluid and that freaks me out because I just want to be with a guy :( I feel like I won’t be happy again because of this. It’s so painful but I’m really happy to know I’m not alone in this too! And I feel you, getting into a new relationship is one of my triggers! When I first started having intrusive thoughts I thought the same thing as you. Mine was about being in a relationship but later finding out that I like women. I felt sick thinking about it. If I did get into a relationship I’d feel like I’m lying or being fake? I just don’t want to hurt someone else because of the things I’m dealing with. That’s the last thing I’d want. And not being interested in guys who approach you doesn’t sound awful at all! It’s very common but I understand how you’d feel guilty by it. The self-esteem issue is something I also struggle with and I see how it plays a big factor in all of this. I feel like since we have trouble loving ourselves we think that other people feel the same way. And it’s so hard to build confidence after thinking negatively about yourself for so long. It’s so exhausting and I wish we didn’t have to deal with this

@blazed Exactly!!! It’s crazy how similar everything is! I feel like I have to constantly fight my mind and remind myself that yes I am a woman and I love being a woman and that I am attracted to men and prefer being with men but it’s just so hard at times and sometimes I just don’t feel that way you know and I don’t know why it’s like my body is constantly working against me and I can’t be comfortable with anything anymore. I just want to hide my body and just hide myself all the time but then I’m just so drained because all I’ll think about is my ocd and then I don’t feel good about myself either because I didn’t get ready or something because it always makes me feel so much better. I’m just so exhausted of having to constantly remind myself of these things that just didn’t bother me before and I have to like actively remind myself of the things I like and want in life and it’s just so exhausting I literally can’t do or watch anything without checking how I feel and it sucks!!! And when I do try to identify or like accept that maybe I am a boy or something and I like girls it’s just the worst because then I just get so upset and sad and depressed and I try to like be happy about it or something but i physically and mentally cannot yeah and what sucks too is I’ve been told so many times that I give off “gay vibes” and have had a girl ask me out (I thought we were just going as friends) and stuff but I never knew that they had liked girls and just saw them as a friend and it sucks when I’m being myself but am constantly being assumed that I’m gay and give off gay vibes like it’s made things so much harder because I feel like that’s another part as to why guys don’t talk to me or something is because they think I like girls I’m just so tired And yeah definitely I’m trying to remind myself that I do deserve the things I want and I’ll get like a silver of self confidence but then it’s almost immediately shattered by something happening that I didn’t want to happen because it confirms that like I won’t be in a relationship I want or my ocd tells me that like I’m not good enough because of x amount of reasons and I hate having to put my love life on pause because I want to be in a relationship so bad but I feel like I’m just going to be so much for someone that they didn’t expect to get into and that I won’t be worth staying for or something or caring for (So sorry for that whole rant) i wish we didn’t have to go through this either!! I’m sorry you’re having to dea with similar issues because it’s the worst honestly!!! i hope your doing a bit better though!!

I’m in the same spot. The thoughts feel strong and like my own but I’m trying to remember that thought ≠ fact/action. It’s hard to in the moment but I’m doing what I can. I just know these thoughts don’t make me happy, even if in those intense moments it can feel like I like them.