Magzzz

Date posted: 2y

I feel like I HAVE to

Is this even ocd or should I actually be worried because I had really horrible intrusive thoughts, images, false sensations that I’m so upset about and I really don’t want to have to tell my mom (who they were about usually categorized in the theme of insest OCD) because it’s so embarrassing and just horrible and I just got home and I’m around her and my mind won’t shut up trying to get me to talk to her and I usually tell her about my intrusive thoughts and if I’m really stressed out which usually results in her getting irritated at me for telling her all the time and her telling me I don’t have it but I hate when my mind is telling me I HAVE to or the feelings of guilt won’t go away. So I don’t know what to do. I feel terrible like I’m a horrible monster but I’ve always had intrusive thoughts about her and many other people but I always try so hard to not talk to her about the ones that are about her specifically. I don’t like them I hate them I’m upset and full of fear. I pray to God I don’t have to have that conversation with her but like I said it’s like there’s a bug in my ear that won’t stop until I “fix” it

"Pure" OCD

Locna

Date posted: 2y

Impulse. You shouldn't speak your thoughts. This is because not everyone can handle it or even give you actual clinical advice. The process of confessing is something that many around here talk about. It's simply unwanted ideation forcing it's way into an action. This creation of an impulse has you in shambles today. She's likely frustrated because she may find these thoughts to be normal as most people just have these thoughts and they let them go because they are secure in their own boundaries guidelines principles standards and have ethical understandings to guide them. You are likely still young and haven't been given a roadmap to success. You are a really good kid. To obsess over the shame of an unpleasant thought in its own right is evidence in its own right. That being said it's unpleasant and likely the uncertainty that you feel is being passed around as you speak the ideations. Negativity spreads so try to sit with the emotions and think of the thoughts like billboards on a highway. Your in the back seat and your mom's driving. You're watching these billboards go by and then they pass. Next one comes. Same one. Boring. Next.

Magzzz

Date posted: 2y

@Absolutely I see what you are saying. Thank you sorry I didn’t reply earlier I was at dinner with my family and even though I had one margarita because I’ve noticed that alcohol makes it worse but I just had one and can still tell how anxious I am. I ran out of medication and wasn’t taking it for about a week but anyways I got it refilled and I’m hoping maybe that will help me get back on track. I can’t talk to my therapist because I think she’s on vacation so I’m just going through all this by myself so I post here hoping someone could understand and help me. Thank you for your help I appreciate it

Love<3Maze

Date posted: 2y

The "shouldn't speak the intrusive thoughts" is probably something I needed to hear, thank you. I often feel obligated to say them or confess whatever is on my mind to my partner often in worry if I'm lying, keeping something from him, or hiding something dark. It then causes me to air it out to him and depending on what it is we would both be in shambles for some time or could move pass it. It's a bit of a cycle with that and I'm glad he told me to at least think it out before I tell him cause sometimes it gives him the worry it's a real thought and that I can't tell the difference between the real and intrusive at the time. With confessing them it's hard not to as I think I'm not being with honest with people.

Magzzz

Date posted: 2y

@Love<3Maze I completely understand. I struggle with this too. You are not alone I promise. It is very very common with ocd

Love<3Maze

Date posted: 2y

Heavy on the I have to do something or the feelings of guilt won't go away. It makes you feel compelled to do something you don't want to do, and if you don't do or say what its telling you, it causes panic. If you do what it says, you feel guilty after. It's a whole circle and I promise I'm sure you're not a monster since you care a lot about what you're feeling and thinking.

Magzzz

Date posted: 2y

@Love<3Maze I definitely relate. I hate when it just stays on my mind for long periods of time and it’s like I can’t get on with my life until I feel like I have to fix it somehow but that’s ocd it wants to feed on that guilt and make you feel like you have to do certain things in order to feel better or safe. Thanks I appreciate it. I don’t want to be a monster. Never have never will

Love<3Maze

Date posted: 2y

@Just Breathe ❤️ Especially feeding into the guilt part, it lingers with you for a while. And having to do certain things to get rid of it that often doesn't help. I feel you on this. It's hard for us to get rid of the thoughts as it feels more distressing and hard to dismiss. My school nurse taught me this tactic to press in the middle of my palm on either hand and take a deep breath. It kinda helps so far. You could also vent out in a word document or notes app, and keep it until you wanna show your therapist or ready to deletw it.

Love<3Maze

Date posted: 2y

You are certainly welcome. I can't often take my own advice but I can say for you that I see that you'll never will be a monster and never was one, as you care a lot about what you're thinking about. It sucks how much someone's mind can mess with and create false sensations or fears. You can get through this, I promise!

Magzzz

Date posted: 2y

@Love<3Maze Thank you so much. I should write down what I’m going through more but the thought of that scares me sometimes because I’m scared someone might see it or read it when it’s very personal. I struggle with real event ocd mixed with another theme and it’s the worst thing ever to feel like I’m a horrible person because of mistakes made in the past when it was never the intention to be bad. I was young and very stupid when I was a teenager. But the ocd likes to make it stuck and I feel like I don’t even deserve to have a happy life or have good things. That’s the worst feeling of guilt I’ve ever had to deal with. In moments where the intrusive thoughts get stuck and are very scary yes can be awful at that moment but it does not beat the worst feelings I get from real event ocd. Anyways I appreciate your help and for being kind. It helps to not feel alone

Love<3Maze

Date posted: 2y

You're welcome, it really does help a lot when someone understands. You could try making spare google accounts, or lock the notes app, or back it up onto something that no one uses. Like Google keep for example, I don't think anyone uses that app to really know or try and see it! I'm heavy on the misyakes I've done in the past. It'll come back up randomly to me and it makes me feel like a horrible person just like you said. I question the intention of what I did, etc. The guilt is hard to function with cause it also makes me feel like any good in my life was wrongfully gotten or not deserved. Being able to open up to others who couldn't understand or a therapist truly helps a lot with feeling less alone, so I'm glad I helped with not feeling alone! When it comes to real event, I try and reassure myself on what I was thinking in the moment and what I didn't intend and if I think that way now. It works sometimes, but could be improvement with how I do it.

Magzzz

Date posted: 2y

@Love<3Maze Your right I completely agree. It’s really hard to go through all this especially when you feel alone. Hopefully one day everything will be ok again

Anony1314

Date posted: 24w

Is this truly an OCD episode? Just a mom trying

Just a little side note: I know this post has been made MANY times by me. However, I had a therapist respond to my post today saying that I need to reach out to my therapist on this because the context was not clear. This made me more stressed and ruminate more. It's not the therapist fault; but not I wonder if I'm really the monster. I'm a Christian mom who feels like I've ruined my life. My daughter was laying across me and every time I breathed a certain way I was getting a groinal sensation. I kept breathing like that anyways (ugh idk why), and then my mind told me I had hurt her that I might as well do something else because what's more. So idk why or what overcame me other than the thought of doing it and causing another feeling (I literally had to question what to do during this and the only thing I could come up with was to move my elbow) but it came across my mind to elbow her, and I elbowed her crotch or side area. Which caused another groinal sensation. Then I began FREAKING smooth out. Then I've been stressing since. I feel like as a mom I don't deserve to be hers anymore. Idk what overcame me. PLEASE tell me if I am a monster. I was doing SO well! Is this really OCD?

POCD

Vee4

Date posted: 12w

Religious OCD

I just told my mom my religious OCD has been really really bad lately and she just told me I needed to pray because demons can actually take advantage of me. Because demons are "stress" I'm not stressed I'm hallucinating and having genuine episodes where I think God is talking to me and telling me he hates me and I feel like there is a demon ready to take me away every night. I just feel like she doesn't understand the severity of what I'm feeling right now. She says it will go away but it comes BACK and I constantly feel endangered by something I can't even see. She said it's not that she was implying that I wasn't praying enough but still it just stressed me out. I didn't want to hear "you're right it could be Satan" I wanted to hear "you're okay and nothing is trying to hurt you" I feel like I'm losing my mind and i can't do this. I can't. My religious OCD hasn't been this bad since I was 10 I don't think. All I can think about is how im going to hell and there's nothing I can do about it and that there's an entity in my body and God hates me. I just needed to hear something else but that made me freak out more and I don't know who to turn to. I feel like I can't even explain it. I don't even know if it's OCD that's how serious I'm being. It feels 100% real.

Religion & Spirituality OCD

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 10w

So distressed plz help :( 18+

*tmi warning* I'm so worried im a P. Ive been crying daily unable to do anything else but ruminate over my real events. When i was 14 (before ocd) i was watching adult content and it was censored. The woman had similar features like hair and skin color as my niece. I remember noticing that and saying "huh i guess I'll imagine that as the adult version of my niece" and I did and after i was finished i moved on and didnt think anything was wrong. I dont know if i ever thought about that again? Its so blurry ocd keeps saying i did it again in a different time but i dont remember its too blurry and its scaring me so badly! I didnt even remember this till like literally last week and i wanted to die! Im 20 for context. When I remembered i immediately broke down in tears. I vaguely rmemeber this other thought i had of her when self pleasuring when I was 16??? I think it was a testing thought out of distress? But im not sure at all! It was extremely vague image and unrealistic i dont think I liked it but maybe i did?! Im so distressed its like i remmeber 2 versions of this particular event which is why I think its ocd false memories from there. Ive been ruminating and spiraling for almost a week. I keep crying i havent ate well at all in days ive been honestly dehydrating myself and i cannot sleep. I feel like a monster. I did the mistake of researching last night and kept comparing myself to the "criteria" of those sickos and like I felt so distressed. I also have been asking ai for hours on end everyday. I feel so distressed im literally crying rn as i write this i cant calm down i feel like this sick individual even tho I dont even like thinking of that at all i dont think I meant ill intent when i was a teen but its killing me inside. I would NEVER harm anyone nor want to or plan to, deep down i know I would never act out in those evil ways but like whats killing me is what if im attracted?! Is this a sign?! Am i one of those people?! Am i attracted to my niece bc of those 2 maybe even 3(??)thoughts years ago?! Did i mean ill intent?! Am I an actual danger?! Am I a monster??? I have so many urges to confess to my mom im so scared what this all means or could mean. I feel so alone and scared. Like legit whenever i get intrusive thoughts about gross stuff i feel disgusted and anxious and push it away. Those thoughts do not bring me pleasure whatsoever but this real event is making me doubt my own identity 😔

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