- Date posted
- 2y
Impulse to tell my intrusive thoughts and worries
I saw a reply mention how it's important sometimes to not confess intrusive thoughts/worries to others, and I feel like that's true for me. Confessing them caused some negativity in my relationship as it makes my boyfriend worried especially when how I said it gave the feeling I couldn't tell if my thought was real or fake, so my boyfriend couldn't tell either. I deeply worried and get nauseous when I worry if I am hiding something, lying, not being truthful, decietful, etc. If I don't tell a friend or mainly my boyfriend about it. I proceed to confess what it was. Either my brain could come up with a worry of itnrusive thought, I then feel bad about it, and act on the impulse to tell. Or it could be something I've done before that seemed minor at the moment but come back up ehere I overthink it and make it a big thing. This then lead to days of thinking about it, retracing the entire situation, my intentions, what I said, double check messages, scroll through texts and spend hours reading them, trying to remember what I thought about or said, etc. I confess it to someone and often get rhe reassurance is not a big deal or I changed from that time, which helps only for that moment. I'm trying to practice now to hold in what my mind is racing about now, cause at one point I went to my boyfriend nearly every day about what it was since I feared I'll be hiding something if I didn't. Or if I did make a mistake or do something wrong or said something not good/did an action that wasn't, I'll also think about it for days on end and worry if I am the same since it happened, am I a horrible person, did I do something bad, I have to tell someone about it otherwise I'm lying about myself and giving a different impression of me. I'll lose sleep over it, cry, feel sick, don't want to make friends, worry if I'm bad for my boyfriend, etc. A lot of my worries are ridiculous to people around me (even to myself) as it's worrying about the possibilities of something and the changes. When I do confess, it's often a whole full page of it, or I think I wrote two pages before as I typed it out first then sent it. Im currently just logging down/airing out anything that worries me onto a document, notes app, or sometimes here now so I can keep log for whenever I get therapy or to be able to get it out of my mind and not tell others around me. I feel like it helps so far. When I lost one of my friends, they told me that certain things need to be left in the notes app. It wasn't really why I started keeping them down, but to pre-write then eventually I just turned it into a place to vent. Other times it is hard to keep it only to my notes and grow in worry of confessing it. Other times when I think something, I worry if it could be interpreted a different way, what does it mean, etc. And I also look back on situations and worry if I forgot a missing piece that prove that what happened in that situation was 100% my fault and I was a horrible person, or my brain could try and come up with memories that more likely or not didn't happen or it tries to take out of context to fit the narrative that I was horrible in my head. I feel the best way to describe my inner head is two split people arguing non stop. One is rational or very cruel to myself, the other is irritational. Another is where it accuses me or try and create false things and question my motives or interrogate me non stop. My inner head been like this for a long time, with two of me constantly fighting with each other and having split mindsets. I don't know who to listen to as sometimes both can be intrusive or accusational.