Sometimes I remember how badly I used to want kids and my heart breaks. As a kid I used to think about it on the daily I loved kids and babies to me they were so beautiful and funny and joyful and now they’re just scary
As a parent and long time sufferer of this theme as well as others, I would encourage you not to conclude that you won’t or shouldn’t have children. Being a father of 3 has been the most challenging thing I’ve ever done by far and OCD has certainly made it feel horrifying at times along the way. I’m sure there will be more flare ups as well. But the rewards of being a father far outweigh any suffering I’ve experienced. I cannot imagine my life without them being in it. So much of what I value as a person and who I want to be relates to what kind of parent I’m trying to be for them. I’ve been to so many dark places as well as exhilarated states throughout the journey. I really don’t think my life could have had this kind of richness in it if I hadn’t been a dad. I don’t know if I’m doing a good job or not, but I’m giving it my all and I would never hurt them. OCD would beg to differ, but screw OCD, I love them more than I hate OCD. Chances are you would be a fantastic parent and some soul out there would be ecstatic to have you as their mother/father. Becoming a parent is a very personal choice and I respect whatever you decide completely. Not everyone should have children. Purely based on the tone of your post I just wanted to remind you that you can fight OCD by choosing love, and if you’re going to be fighting OCD anyway, don’t let it trap love inside your heart.
@Agent C You sound like a wonderful father I definitely have thought about biting the bullet and having a kid especially bc my partner is absolutely wanting kids and I def don’t want to take that away from her like it’s been taken from me. Does having kids help? I’ve heard some people say that constant exposure does help. Do you have any tips?
@Idontknowausername So the constant exposure is highly dependent on how I’m responding to those triggers. Gotta remember the RP with the E. What they say about mindfulness practices is true. Anchoring yourself in the present rather than the past and future is so important. When I don’t do it, I suffer. Easier said than done but totally effective. I didn’t know I had OCD until a few months ago. My kids are 10, 8, and 5. The fact that you’re aware of your condition going in should save you a lot of pain and confusion. Search your heart for what you really want. It may be that having kids just isn’t the path you want to walk, and that’s perfectly fine. I would just suggest that you make the choice with complete consciousness of your “why.” If OCD chooses for you, it’s likely an all new “what if” will be born out of it anyway.
@Agent C Thanks so much for the kindness and advice Tysm I’ll definitely need some soul searching haha
I can totally relate... I had not been the biggest kids fam ever, but it pains me, that even with my nephew and nieces I can't have proper contact, only via phone... It's horrible, I so wished mental health issues did not exist...
Me too, I feel like this all the time and the way ocd can change how you feel or think about anything is really scary.
i was in target and saw this kid who looked like my nephew and i didn’t a double take because i thought it was him i was gonna go say hi to him. it wasn’t him, but then my OCD intrusive thoughts popped in and made me want to throw up and run away and hide. it popped in my brain and i was immediately disgusted with myself. i wouldn’t ever do anything to harm a child. WHY IS MY BRAIN LIKE THIS I JUST NEED A BREAK.
The things that used to make me happy? The things that used to make me sad? I don't know how to connect with those anymore. I used to be happy just looking at the sunset and nature, I loved being present in the moment but now being present in the moment is scary because now I'm faced with my thoughts and new potential ones so I'd rather distract myself. I love kballads and I used to listen to them and just cry and be happy because they sound so beautiful but now I can't embrace these things that feel like beauty because I feel like the exact opposite. The only things I can enjoy are K-drama's! But I can't watch things with kids in it. So yah that's tricky! And the things that make me sad?! Well I used to be sad and terrified about loosing my loved ones but now it's a different kind of sad. I used to be sad because of miss them and all that but now I'm scared of facing now messed up my emotions have become. I'm scared of loosing someone I love and then not being able to feel sad because I'm just numb, or even worse...if it becomes something I'm okay with or what if OCD convinces me that I'm happy about it because honestly it would be weird moving around the world with such emotions. So not only has OCD made it hard for me to enjoy the good things but also hard for me to feel sad about the sad things or just to put it short...to experience emotions normally.
i hate ocd so deeply. just a few months ago the idea of moving in ( in the future ) with the love of my life was comforting and it kept me going. the idea of sharing our lives was everything i needed. now because of ocd it feels like a nightmare, im not excited anymore. ocd makes me doubt that im a bad lover, that i wanted to deeply hurt my lover in the past and that i forgot about it. our relationship was the most comforting thing in my life, genuinely a safe place where i could rest, i felt normal around my lover i could let go of the feeling that I'm a monster. now it's terrible, it's all ruined, i feel like we shouldn't be together, it's a genuine nightmare, and it's not because of them, i love them so much they are the most beautiful person i ever met. it's just that not knowing if i wanted to hurt them or not makes me feel like i shouldnt be around them, so insisting on being in their life makes me feel horrified. my therapist says i shouldn't break up with them because this is all ocd. my lover wants to be with me, they always tell me about how they can't wait to live together, i think they r happy and feel loved in this relationship but it doesn't change how i feel. i Just wish i could go back in time idk what to do anymore. this is what i cherished most in my life and i don't have it anymore and i don't know if ill ever get it back
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