Ugh

Today was just too much. While doing coding, I couldn’t understand one code logic and my brain got completely stuck. I felt like screaming loudly but didn’t want anyone to hear me. Then the milkman brought the milk, so I thought I’ll boil the milk and make some green tea, maybe I’ll feel better. The sugar I was going to use had ants in it a few days ago. I had kept it in sunlight and the ants ran away. Now every day I take out just the amount of sugar I need and lightly clean it, just checking if there’s a dead ant or not. But today I brought the sugar into the light to clean it and ended up just cleaning and cleaning. I saw tiny black dots and started picking them out. When I looked closely at one of them, I felt like it was ant droppings. Then I started cleaning it deeply, probably spent half an hour just cleaning four spoons of sugar. I kept thinking I should just throw it all away. I even imagined myself throwing it away multiple times. My mind was so disturbed but I controlled myself thinking all my effort will be wasted. Then I thought—if one day I’m alone in a jungle, and there’s a dog eating a dead animal, or a dog eating another dead dog, and I haven’t eaten in days—will I try to scare the dog and eat the dead animal? Yes, I would have to. And what if there’s no water to clean it? Still, I would have to eat it out of helplessness. So after all this, I finally relaxed a bit and put the sugar into the milk. And decided that tomorrow I’ll buy new, clean sugar from the shop. I don’t know what all this is... Is this overthinking or am I becoming mentally ill?

I don’t see a path forward with this. I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I can’t stand the feeling of feeling guilty all day and having a headache all day. I’m probably too afraid to do anything, but I don’t know what to do

I am STRUGGLING. Ugh why did I allow this to happen