Have I always been like this and I am just now realizing it??

Every question you ask is reassurance seeking what if questions. Although people with ocd can related especually thise that share your theme its not going to solve the problem by asking these questions and most people who are somewhat educated on this issue know it wont help you to answer. Why not try asking for sone strategies and advise on how to work through this? There is a solution that works but you hace to be willing to try. I dont want to sound harsh or unsympathetic that isnt intention. But your going through this cycle day in and day out. It sounds painful.

Understandable. Your spending all your mental energy trying to figure out the answer to a question. Its exhausting it really is. Its like running a marathon in your mind with no finish line. OCD will make you doubt any and all possible answers. That is why there is the word disorder in ocd. Its why someone without ocd wouod be satisfied if they said to themselves said "yea i am gay". People with ocd this doesnt work because youll always be like "what if im not"?. Or vise versa it doesnt matter. This is a mental illness. Therefore you have to look at this differently then regular people: 1- You have to tell yourself you might never answer this question to your satisfaction. 2- You need to try and stop ruminating on this topic. This is so hard to do. Every second you stop thinking about it your doing something good for yourself. Use that as enouragement when you realize you stopped thinking about it even if you didnt do it on purpose. Just to show yourself you can. Like if you got distracted somehow just to prove it to yourself that it can happen. You can not think about it sometimes. 3- Learn to sit with anxiety. When you ruminate your trying to oush away the anxiety related to the question. If you can pause the thinking and focus on how anxious you feel you are actually helping yourself. I hope you can find some will to try and do some of these things. They really work. People want to help but at the end of the day only you can make that decision or not.

I would tell what I do that kind of helps but it’s more of a compulsion and that would make it worse

Gay people say it felt normal and like them. Does it feel like that to me?? I honestly don’t know. I am doubting everything. Do I even enjoy this? Is this me? Do I like This?

Do I fantasize about women and enjoy it? Do I want a girlfriend? I am doubting EVERYTHING

I don’t know what to do. It feels too real. As if I want this and I don’t know why I don’t pursue it then? It’s so confusing. I don’t know anything everything is a blur. I can’t even answer the simplest things and it’s killing me

Please tell me then. It’s fine

It sounds dumb but if you don’t wanna try it on a real person here’s the route to go, You get a pillow or anything, you act like it’s a girl and you give it a smooch. And your emotions and body will pretty much answer your question. Also I’m sorry if this harms you in any way shape or form, I didn’t mean for it to hurt your OCD or anything