Can anyone relate?

Hi, I just wanted to ask if anyone experience any of these symptoms/thoughts/feelings? It’s like I always doubt that I have OCD, it’s like I experience something inside (thoughts and/or feelings), always fear based, but it’s like I feel I cannot explain what is happening inside me at the moment of the crisis, and then I start to search in the internet for the symptoms. Every time I feel like I experience an anxiety attack but not a panic attack, not with physical symptoms. Tremendous feeling of fear that something wrong with me, and that I have something else, another mental disorder and I always search in the internet to check which symptoms match what I feel at the moment of the crisis. I experience something like this at the beginning of my OCD when I felt that I may I had schizophrenia or that may I will loose my mind. But this time is different its not about getting crazy or loose control but more like if I may be a bad person. I fear that I may be a bad person and I constantly feel that may I have NPD or BPD or PPD and several, not to suggest that people that suffer from these disorders are bad people in the contrary they also suffer. But my thoughts keep persist to make me feel bad about myself by telling me that may I suffer from another mental disorder, that I am bad person and that may I hurt someone psychologically not physically. I feel like that I have fear and intrusive thoughts and feelings about mental disorders. It’s like fear about mental disorders no physical illness. Based on be a bad person without even know it. I don’t know if any of these really make any sense. I just very confusing and for me and maybe i cannot explain it with words. Thank you for reading, if anyone can relate with any of these, please let me know because I am trying to understand how to cope with all of these.

I woke up today terrified cause I didn’t feel connected to my body. I looked in the mirror and thought I was watching someone else and that was scary. Feeling depersonalized fueled my intrusive thoughts. Like “what if I’m going crazy”, “what if I have shifted personalities” or “what if I’m bipolar.” The fear of turning crazy also fueled the intrusive thoughts of me acting mentally crazed or like a child. These intrusive thoughts also tainted me into believing that everything I did was something a mentally crazed person would do. Now I have become more hyper aware of how I feel when I do simple things. This also fueled my OCD subtypes like harm/ suicidal because I think that if I’m not connected to my body then I have no control or might do irrational things. This feeling of not being connected to yourself is really scary and I hate the feeling. How do I get connected with myself again.

At this point I’m pretty sure I’m psychotic. I have intrusive thoughts all day long of me doing a bunch of things that I never and will never do. Images of me poking out my own eyes in all sorts of other horrific things that will have to do with self mutilation. These images have been haunting me for two years with the persisting fear that I will act out on these things one day despite me never wanting to do so. Now on top of these thoughts I am dealing with something else. I keep thinking about the fact that there’s no escape from life other than death and it makes me feel scared and trapped. I can’t stop thinking about this that there’s no escape. It’s scaring me. I want to live I have no desire to die but once I get the intrusive thought about not being able to escape this life is scaring me. I believe I’m going through depersonalization because nothing feels right my surroundings feel unfamiliar I feel unfamiliar. I feel like an alien in a place that seems unknown to me. This all started after I had a panic attack in the shower three weeks ago over my intrusive harm thoughts and in the moment I actually thought that my life was over and that I was about to act out on it but of course I didn’t because it’s just a thought and an obsessive fear. Something I would never do but it felt so real in that momentI almost passed out from the fear. The day after that I felt like nothing was real and I’m still in depersonalization and having panic attacks on the regular but today I got that thought about not being able to escape life and how we’re basically all trapped here. I can’t stop thinking it and it’s making me feel sick. Maybe if I Felt more connected to myself and my surroundings stuff like this wouldn’t bother me but that panic attack destroyed me. Does this sound like OCD or something else?I was completely normal and fine three weeks ago yes I had my intrusive thoughts but they weren’t scaring me or controlling me like they are now.