Scared. Can anyone relate?

@Stellaaa Thank you for this. I know that posting on here is reassurance which doesn’t help ocd at all but it’s so hard to not seek reassurance when everything feels so real. Like i know that when a thought upsets you it’s intrusive but then i am constantly thinking well what if you are not really upset? What if your trying to push away something that you secretly enjoy? It’s so scary. Like I’m to the point where it’s hard to differentiate your thoughts for intrusive thoughts. Like i am not really feeling physical anxiety like other people describe and that makes me nervous. In my head when a thought comes i just repeatedly say the word No. but it’s not like i have extreme physical anxiety which is so scary.

@Anon17 I am so sorry for the super late reply! I guess one way you could think of it is that, you are concerned that you might be this or might be that and are so bothered by it that you felt the need to post asking for reassurance in the first place. I'd argue that a person who was bad wouldn't care whether or not they were bad and would just feel confident about it without questioning. This has clearly sent you into a turmoil of some sort. Anxiety can show itself in lots of different ways to lots of different people. Just keep trying to separate yourself as much as you can from those thoughts. It does get easier. I often have a thing where I know something is OCD, but it will be so strong that I have to keep at whatever ritual I'm in until I have certainty. Like, you could possibly be to the point where you realize that you're not a bad person, but the OCD is pushing for that extra level of reassurance before you're allowed some respite. That portion specifically will get better. It's scary as hell, but just keep separating, and soon you won't need that same "confirmation" to dismiss the thought. It's kinda like most people have intrusive thoughts, but people with OCD do not have the automated dismiss button. You kind of have to manually click the override button. Just think of it as a little machine error. Thinking about it this way might take the weight of the contents of the thoughts out of the equation more and help you to handle it without being fuelled by OCD's very tricky, and aggressive manipulation. You're all good, it's just our illness making up whatever crazy stuff it can to force us into doing its bidding. It knows what bothers us, so it preys on it. If you love something, or are particularly sensitive to an issue, you bet OCD will use it against you. Sorry for the late night rambling. I hope that made some sense and wasn't just incoherent. Good luck!

@Stellaaa Thank you! It made a lot of sense so thank you again. I’m just so scared being bad and like not realizing it. Like you say a bad person would just be bad and wouldn’t care. And now my ocd or intrusive thoughts are to that point where I’m literally questions everything under the sun. Like what if i am bad. What if I’m hiding behind my phone and i don’t care? Like what if i just go off?

@Anon17 That's OCD for you! It'll make you questions everything (like you said) because it'll go to any length to make you do compulsions, ruminate, etc. The biggest thing that I've learned in ERP is that I'm going to be comfortable regardless, so I might as well be uncomfortable without OCD. There is no escaping the anxiety (until you've done exposures over and over to the point where you are desensitized to something). So until then, embrace that discomfort as part of the recovery. It helped me to picture it like Mithridatism. This is the process where people would poison themselves a little bit at a time so that they could survive a larger dose. Same with OCD. We take a little bit of anxiety now to build immunity to anxiety later. You will be okay. Just keep practicing and hopefully this awful OCD will leave you alone and let you get some respite.

@Stellaaa Thank you. I am currently freaking out because i just had a very bad thought/image and it felt soooo real. Like I’m finding it difficult to differentiate. Like i know typing this is compulsions, but like how do i know i won’t go crazy? How do i know i won’t go off and do what my brain is thinking? I’m so scared right now. I’m also only home with 1 other person so that makes me even more scared.

@Anon17 Sorry for the late reply! I think the big key is that you are worried about it. You are so scared of it happening. Scared is definitely not the feeling a predator is having.