- Date posted
- 2y
HOCD
Is it normal that I don’t feel these thoughts to be as invasive after reading into HOCD? Or is it just me being in denial about my orientation.
Is it normal that I don’t feel these thoughts to be as invasive after reading into HOCD? Or is it just me being in denial about my orientation.
It’s possible that learning more about SOOCD has been helpful to you to recontextualize your experience. If you’re feeling anxiety about not having anxiety about the original issue (questions about your sexual orientation), that’s quite common. OCD will do whatever it has to in order to stay relevant and manipulate you. The ultimate goal of treatment is to help you realize you’re more powerful than your thoughts and also you aren’t your thoughts so if that’s where you are, then that’s great! I know for myself that learning about OCD generally and SOOCD specifically was life changing, but just learning about it isn’t a substitute for me seeking treatment and learning to practice ERP.
It’s not quite anxiety but now I’m like well… I feel okay, that initial thought isn’t bothering me as much, I’m just questioning as to why I feel more at peace.
@Anonymous Okay! Well I know in the moments when I’m not as anxious and have the self awareness to recognize that, it feels weird for me too, no matter the situation. I’m just so used to living my life with anxiety that it really does feel like something is wrong when it’s not there. To illustrate the example another way, I went to physical therapy last week, and my therapist was able to use a technique to relive tension in several pressure points on my body. It was a strange feeling to feel more relaxed because I didn’t realize I was tense in the first place. Additionally, OCD can manipulate your feelings, as well as your thoughts, to make you feel anything it wants you to feel, but the point is that these thoughts and feelings are ego-dystonic. In other words they’re not genuine to who you really are. Are you in OCD treatment, or do you have the opportunity to get started? Practicing ERP is an opportunity to learn to face and manage your fears and will help you learn yourself a bit better. The only one who can determine if you’re in denial or not is you. I know that might sounds scary but it also suggests you have the power to see through your thoughts for what they are: thoughts, and a lot of them don’t make sense for no particular reason.
@doinghardthings Thank you. And yes I am beginning on Wednesday to see. I don’t know if I have it, initially I was just going to not do it cause although the thought is there and I’m feeling odd the anxiety part isn’t as much so I’m contemplating if I even have this. I’m like well I feel “okay” and the thought isn’t bothering me as much, I’m not ruminating as much, so maybe I don’t have this. Which I also know can be a part of OCD… I just don’t know really so I decided to continue with it for the maybe ill get something out of it. It’s weird
@Anonymous That’s great! I really do relate to the situation not being super anxiety inducing but feeling weird nonetheless. While I had a dramatic relapse earlier this year that led me to pursue OCD specific treatment, for a while before that I felt off about my relationships, sexual/romantic or otherwise. Typing it out now, I wonder if I had a “relapse” because I realized something was subtly off, and that poked the bear, so to speak. In any case, I’m early on in the process myself and I’m realizing how much anxiety I’ve been carrying. Whatever comes of the experience of therapy, I just want to feel less anxiety and be better able to lead a fulfilling life.
It’s just weird. I’ve always known I’m straight but I feel like after looking into HOCD that because I’m calmer now makes me think I’m gay. And the fact that I’m not as anxious makes me feel like this odd feeling and now I just feel lost, but I remind myself of the feeling I’ve felt toward boys. This may just be part of the process
@Anonymous I’m not an expert but I think you’re in the right place 💚 hang in there
@doinghardthings Thank you for your help!
I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.
it feels like i accepted being gay and thats part of who i am but i still feel that tension and fake attraction whenever i see a man and i feel like i could be able to have a sexual intercourse with a man even though i dont want it is it still hocd or just denial? like i am feeling okey but there is still that doubt that how can i know that im not gay if i dont get disgusted by gay things or gay personality traits and at the same time i want to feel normal again like before
I’ve been struggling with HOCD for years, and it started with an intrusive thought about being gay when I was younger. It came up at age 12 and ever since, I’ve been trapped in a cycle of doubt and anxiety. I obsess over whether or not I’m secretly gay, even though I don’t feel that way at all. What makes it worse is the fear that I might have internalized homophobia, and that’s why I’m having these obsessive thoughts. I worry that my anxiety is a sign that I’m repressing something or rejecting part of myself. It feels like my mind keeps repeating the same question—am I gay?—and no matter how much reassurance I get, the fear doesn’t go away. I used to pray for my family members, fearing that if I didn’t, something bad would happen to them, and now it feels like I have to control these thoughts, or something will go wrong. For a while, it was quieter, but a week ago, the thoughts spiraled up again, and now the anxiety feels overwhelming again. It’s exhausting, and I don’t know how to break free from this constant loop of doubt. Has anyone dealt with the fear of internalized homophobia alongside HOCD? How do you manage the anxiety that comes with it?
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