I’m so depressed… I remember before telling someone I knew I didn’t love my partner but it was to see how I reacted… I started crying… It’s like that now… 😢 I am heartbroken… I do t wanna leave him… When I say that it says bc I don’t wanna hurt him… 😢 😢😢 I knew the first time wasn’t true bc I knew I loved him and had clarity moments… but where are they now… I cry for him but yet I still think I don’t love him… 😢 Please god help me… 😰💔
Im so sorry to hear your dealing with such distressing intrusive thoughts around your relationship. I know how upsetting those thoughts can be, your not alone. Remember, the more we try to analyze all of the intrusive thoughts or fight them away - the stronger they will become. Practicing non engagement techniques such as “maybe, maybe not” or agreeing with the statements can be very beneficial. Best of luck!
@EmilyCruce I try… it doesn’t work… 😞 I am so depressed and numbed out… I just wanna stop thinking about our issues so badly… bc when I don’t I am very happy and I know I love him.. I got so use to thinking about them thinking i don’t love him testing myself over and over again… I am convinced I know I don’t love him… 😢
@EmilyCruce That I am only with so I don’t break his heart… 😢
@EmilyCruce I just want this to stop… I love him I know I do. Please… I am scared… 😭😭😭
@EmilyCruce I just want things to go back to normal again!
@EmilyCruce Were there anyone like me?… that thought they knew they didn’t love their partner??…
Also check out Nathan Peterson. He does have the online program that’s maybe more affordable for you although it is more informative and you have to do the work mostly by yourself. But at least you’re starting to do the work.
I cuddled with him throughout the night.. after our cat died…
I was in the same boat. Sometimes I still am. Have you thought about seeing a therapist or OCD specialist? I know you said you don’t have the funds but I wonder if you can save for it?
@SofiaLovedAndHealed What happens if you feel like this constantly…? I really might have too…
@7710 ❤️ Stress. Maybe depression. It will keep you worried that’s for sure and then, for me at least, it starts to affect even my physical health, I feel nauseous, nervous, sometimes I’m shaking a little bit, and I feel so tired despite not doing any strenuous activity. I always wanted to sleep and not do anything, or suffer in silence, sleep, eat, maybe cry, and put myself down. It’s hard going through that. But we don’t have to do that to ourselves. I’m suggesting you to see a specialist because it’s a good start to work out what’s been happening to you. I believe you want to be and get better. But you don’t believe it sometimes. It takes a lot of courage and faith. I’m praying for you as well. Take one step at a time. You don’t have to solve every issue right now or other issues aren’t issues at all or you don’t have to solve at all. See a specialist or at least do the online program. You being in your mind for far too long is going to deteriorate your health. I know because I’m going through that. But remember, you are recovering from OCD and anxiety. You are going to be better, and that will affect your relationship eventually.
@7710 ❤️ I also listen to Mark de Jesus
@SofiaLovedAndHealed I’m scared of getting better affecting it… scared that we are gonna break up…
@7710 ❤️ You’re scared of getting better?
@7710 ❤️ I know the feeling. This worry and anxiety is just too familiar to us now that it’s even hard to let that go. I’m scared too, but we don’t have to be. OCD is making us stuck. Please reread our messages on this post, especially our advices on seeing a therapist. You need someone who knows more than us about the obsessions and behaviors you have, and who can help guide you through this.
@SofiaLovedAndHealed It’s like I’m okay with breaking up… ☹️ I kept saying I know to things and now… I’ll look into… I am scared I just really don’t love him….. 😰 I know I am asking much but… when you went thru this… did you ever say you know you don’t love your partner?
@7710 ❤️ I am only answering this because I want you to know that you are not the only one who has gone and is going through this. I have thought about it. I even said out loud “I want to divorce *name of husband* and get with that other guy *insert name here*” and check how I feel and if I don’t feel anything such as regret or pain of divorcing then I would say it again because shouldn’t I feel so bad or sad about it? And then I say my name with that other guy’s last name, or write it, a couple times, then check how I feel when I see it, and reassure myself nope my name looks better with my husband’s, or okay I don’t like this it means I love my husband. I have groinal responses. I research and make sure my husband isn’t a bad person, and that he wasn’t the same as that other guy when we first met, because I feel like if they’re only the same then I should “get with this other guy because this other guy is better.” I check if I still love hin when I hug or kiss him. To me, the thoughts of loving hin have to come “naturally” and from what I really feel in the moment. But intrusive feelings and thoughts can deceive you. I even worry why I don’t get turned on as much with my husband anymore, do I really want to get intimate with him? There is a LOT I can list down. And whatever you post here is similar to what I go through from time to time. I get guilty. I cry. I hate myself. But I hate myself less now as I start to appreciate and be grateful for what I have, as I start to realize what OCD is and see what it does to me, as I start to learn how to catch and respond to intrusive thoughts. I know. I’m scared of wanting to contact that other guy and I might eventually just leave my husband for him. It’s hard. I feel like for us, we “think” fear keeps us on our lane, which is to stay in a relationship, but all it does is trap us with our intrusive thoughts and feelings and we’re stuck. Not “stuck in the relationship” but stuck in worrying about the relationship and being present in the NOW. Right now, you’re spending your time ruminating, ranting, worrying, texting on this app, seeking reassurance, can’t you see? OCD is taking precious time from you, time you can be spending in the PRESENT. I might not reply as much to your posts. I have said a lot and I hope you keep reading it. I’m just getting a but triggered by it but don’t worry. It’ll pass. I pray for the best for you and talk to you soon.
@7710 ❤️ Right now I think you’re looking for a response to make you feel better. My friend, even if there is one, it may be temporary unless you address your OCD and take steps, even baby steps, to treat it. You don’t have to believe 100% you are gonna recover right away, you don’t have to FEEL it, but you know yourself you want to get better, even if it’s only 50% right now and the other 50% is doubt, just take baby steps. Get an OCD therapist. Or get Nathan Peterson’s OCD and anxiety online program. I recommend seeing one first. The other one is probably just more affordable.
@SofiaLovedAndHealed You’re words did help me. I hope I can heal from this… you gave me hope. That this could honestly just be ROCD. I know you won’t respond and I’m not expecting you to. Things have been worse. I kept reading what you wrote over and over again. I try to sit with it. But it becomes difficult. I keep looking for reactions…. I think my brain got use to feeling this way… I remember did feel this way once but it went away… but this isn’t since I think it’s true… 😢 I am very very depressed and sad.. numb even… I cried so badly in my car this morning screaming and crying saying I don’t wanna break up… 😢😞 I feel very numbed out… I think I honestly can’t tell anymore…
@SofiaLovedAndHealed Sometimes I cry sometimes I don’t… sometimes I think I really wanna break up sometimes I know I don’t… 💔 my heart hurts…
I realized I’ve depended a lot on my boyfriend for comfort through my ocd, and I’m starting to feel like even before my ocd I was paying more attention to the relationship itself more than him, or the attachment: even though I remember distinct feelings of me wanting to be with him forever, and feeling so happy and complete with him, time didn’t exist, I felt like my most authentic self. So now I’m trying to create a healthy attachment and see him as his own person, which was helping at first, but now it feels as if I’m seeing that I don’t actually love him for him, the thought of moving forward in life without him breaks my heart and I don’t want to but my mind keeps telling me that I want it because of the attachment. He’s the exact type of person and partner I would want but it feels like whatever I feel is not enough.. But I DO experience moments of affection and care and admiration for him but they don’t last long..before I started making this shift in perspective even with the ocd I was still so sure and confident in moving forward with him, I felt so much like I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. But now that I’ve made this shift it feels like I’m seeing him from a whole different place. Like all those good and happy feelings I had for him are gone now and I don’t have any confidence in what I want anymore. Before I did feel confident that I wanted to be with him but now it feels like there’s this wall between him and me :( I want to be with him I know I do, because even now I still feel the desire to keep going, but I can’t see the future anymore or the confidence to keep going. I was never much of a future thinker, even in my personal life but this feels like added proof I feel like I’m alone in this like no one else has this situation and the chances for me to realize after I recover that I don’t actually love him are so much higher 💔
I am so tired of this. I feel ashamed of myself. I waited until it was late to post this because I can’t take it anymore. My boyfriend is at my house right now. We saw each other today—he brought me a bouquet of flowers, we went out, and then came back home. But I just couldn’t stop thinking that he was annoying me or that I couldn’t stand him, even though he wasn’t doing anything wrong. I felt irritated and distant the entire time. And when we got home, it got even worse. We ended up arguing because of how distant I was, but I couldn’t help it. All I could think about was that I don’t love him, that I don’t like him, that I’m a liar, and that I’m just pretending when I’m with him. I kept thinking that I’m only with him because I’m used to him and that I just don’t want to accept the truth that I don’t love him. When he hugged me, I couldn’t be present. When we kissed, I felt absolutely nothing. Nothing. He kissed me, and I couldn’t even focus or try to connect with what was happening—I just wanted to cry. I feel like a liar who refuses to accept the truth. I started going to therapy, but I’ve only had one session. My psychologist told me to write in a journal, to reflect on what role fear plays in my life and why I feel so unsettled. I wrote, “The possibility that my thoughts might be true.” But now I just think I’m lying—to myself, to my boyfriend, even to my psychologist—because I want to believe I love him, but my mind tells me I don’t feel anything. I couldn’t even sit comfortably with him, I couldn’t enjoy being in his arms—I just felt sad. I’m so scared that this is real. It feels real. I don’t understand what’s happening to me. I feel like I’m lying to everyone. Like I’m in denial. I don’t know how to do this anymore.
I feel so lost. My boyfriend tries so hard to help me, but nothing seems to work. Every time he reassures me, my mind finds another doubt. He asks me, “So you’ve been questioning if you love me for almost 2 years?” and instead of feeling comforted, my mind jumps to “Maybe I just can’t accept that I don’t love him.” I keep telling him every thought that comes to my mind, hoping for relief, but it never lasts. I feel anxious, disconnected, and stuck in this endless cycle. He tells me that if I truly didn’t love him, I wouldn’t care so much about these thoughts. But still, my brain won’t stop questioning everything. I don’t understand why I feel this way. Why does it feel like I’m forcing something? Why do I feel like I can’t just know how I feel? I want to feel okay. I want to be present with him without analyzing every moment. But no matter what I do, my mind keeps telling me “What if you don’t love him?” I feel like I’m stuck between wanting clarity and being terrified of what that clarity might mean. It feels so real, and I hate it. I don’t know what to do.
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