minimjs
- Date posted
- 2y
Yeehaww Yeehaww
- Date posted
- 2y
I feel this. I’m unsure at the moment too,
doinghardthingsdoinghardthings
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 2y
I am experiencing SOOCD too. While I think in my experience, I did have a more clear idea of my natural sexual orientation (straight) before it’s onset, I was also quite young. If anything, that was fuel for my OCD because I hadn’t had any experience to go off of to “know for sure”. But that said, it took me 13 years to get OCD-specific treatment. In that interim I did things that helped my mental health but didn’t address this issue specifically. It felt like if I had interest in a guy, I was making it up as a means of denial. It resulted in me not feeling like I could say I was straight because I couldn’t tell if it was true or not at that time, despite evidence to the contrary. It doesn’t sound like it’s that directly relatable to your experience, but it could be possible you’re feeling the way you do due to the influence of OCD. It can be hard to identify logic because the situation feels so real and being logical doesn’t help anyway because OCD operates outside of logic. I’ll also say that when I’ve read other accounts of women experiencing SOOCD, I’ve had the thought occur to me that if my experience doesn’t match theirs 100%, it must mean I don’t have OCD. That said, apparently I have enough insight to see how that doesn’t make sense. We’re all individual people and the way OCD presents is going to be highly individualized too. Although in some ways physical illness seems much more straightforward, there actually is a variation in the symptoms someone experiences. For example, not everyone with COVID could expect to experience the same symptoms in the same way to the same degree. It’s highly individual, and mental illness is the same.
minimjsminimjs
- Date posted
- 2y
i’ve never thought of it this way. thank you!! and yes, it feels like i’m trying to exist with a brain that is showering me with 24/7 invalidation and doubt. it can never just be “i feel this way,” or “i genuinely like/love this person,” it has to be “i probably feel this way because i’m in denial,” or “my feelings aren’t true and all-encompassing, so i’m only prolonging the lie.” all sense of healthy personal evaluation and intuition thrown out the window because every thought has to be run through a grueling, obsessive analytical process.
doinghardthingsdoinghardthings
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 2y
@minimjs It can be really scary but also freeing to realize you can’t really compare yourself to others as a means of learning about yourself! But if you’re able to trust the process through therapy you’ll be able to figure out what feels right for you. 💖
minimjsminimjs
- Date posted
- 2y
@doinghardthings tysm 💗 i feel like ocd is uniquely disorienting and isolating, so discovering similarities between yourself and other sufferers really validates your own experience and highlights the presence of a widespread disorder rather than a personal defect. it feels like a reflex to want to cling to these similarities (which is also why it’s so scary when your experience differs at all; suddenly you question if you’ve ever really had ocd). i know you know how it goes. 😅 but i really appreciate all your responses, thank you again!
doinghardthingsdoinghardthings
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 2y
@minimjs Totally! You’re actually right that it is so helpful to hear about other people experiencing similar things and that’s what I like about being on this app. It helps to validate that I’m in the right place especially since OCD doesn’t want you to think you have OCD. I’m sure there’s someone out there who would describe the way they’re feeling the same way as you (it looks like there is someone else in the comments too!) but it’s to be expected that you’re not going to match experiences perfectly 1:1. You hang in there, and I will too ☺️
minimjsminimjs
- Date posted
- 2y
@doinghardthings so true! sounds good, will do 😇💗
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vaiiolyn
- Date posted
- 23w
feeling helpless
As a lesbian with SO-OCD, I feel so helpless. It's truly exhausting because no one I know understands what I'm going through. The first response is always, "You're just confused" or "You don't have to know yet." But that's not the issue, I do know. I just never see any lesbians with SO-OCD so I feel so invalidated. These thoughts flood my brain constantly, forcing me to analyze my reactions to every man I see. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of "testing" myself, trying to prove that I don't like them. But my brain fights back, telling me I do want to love a man, making it feel real even though don't want it. It's terrifying. At this point, it's hard to even hold onto my identity as a lesbian because I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is what real attraction is supposed to feel like, and that fear eats away at me. The truth is, when I think about being with a man, all I feel is disgust and fear-but my brain twists that into doubt. I hate it. I'm at the point where I'm scared I'm going to have to accept something I don't want because I don't know if this will ever go away. I miss who I was before all this.
marbo
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 21w
Determining sexuality with SOOCD
Anyone who has had sexual orientation OCD since the “dating age” (middle school/high school)— how did you ever determine your sexuality? I don’t want reassurance because I understand our experiences may be different. I’m just curious— did you try boys and girls? Did you just find your person and know? I started having SOOCD at age 16 and I’m now 28. OCD has ruined my ability to date more than anything else. I feel like it stole my chance at love. I’ve had three long-term situationships with men. I adored them but they were also toxic because I think I subconsciously didn’t believe I deserved better. I felt that if I knew the relationship wouldn’t work because of fundamental differences, at least it was okay that I couldn’t fully be present in the relationship. Not sure if this makes sense, but I’m just grieving that part of my life I missed out on.
anonymouscookie
- Date posted
- 11w
so ocd and bisexuality
Hello everyone, I just wanted to share a part of my journey that I’m struggling with right now. I’ve been diagnosed with ocd and while this is not my first subtype, ROCD and so ocd have definitely been the ones I’ve been struggling with the most. For context I have a boyfriend who I love very much and am terrified of loosing. That’s probably what ocd latched onto. The so-ocd especially is tricky because I’ve come to acknowledge that I am bisexual. Don’t worry I didn’t “discover” this through ocd, I’ve always known and it’s been in the back of my mind way before ocd, I had just never really directly acknowledged it because romantically I just always leaned towards men. The thing my ocd latched onto is “what if you are actually a lesbian and don’t know it yet and will have to leave your partner or are lying to your partner or end up leading him on” The thing is, I don’t have much experience with women except kissing my female best friend once, which didn’t feel special or made me have romantic feelings for her. I’ve always seeked men more actively than women and didn’t feel like I was gonna miss out if I get into a serious relationship with a man before having had more experience. I just know that I can be sexually attracted to women as well. But now that I’m in this beautiful relationship I’m terrified of getting it wrong or having missed something about myself or being scared that I’m actually a lesbian and have been lying to myself all along. I’m not seeking reassurance, just wanting to share and maybe someone else is going through something similar? If so I’d be so grateful to know I’m not alone. I love my boyfriend dearly and i really hope we will work out in the long run.
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