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Username: hlm2

Date posted: 2y ago

Hocd

So my hocd started over 2 years ago (I’m 20 yrs old now), when I was having a conversation with one of my friends and the thought popped into the back of my head what if the reason I don’t have a crush on any guys at my high school is because I’m a lesbian. Since then my sexuality has been on my mind 24/7 I didn’t know this was ocd until about a year ago but i’m only seeking treatment now. The hocd ramped up when I felt super aroused watching a movie with topless women, something that had never happened when watching men. Thing is I genuinely think I’m gay now, I’ve had this for so long that at first the thoughts disgusted me and caused me anxiety but now they don’t anymore. I saw so many tiktok videos about “pipelines” of certain interests gay people have that triggered me and read the comphet masterdoc which made me cry when I read it because I related to so much of it. When I was a child I was never boy crazy, I never really crushed on boys in my class (to be fair there were only 7) however I do remember writing a love note to a boy in first grade and having an immense celebrity crush on a disney channel star. I remember to certain things I did as a child that lead me to think I am gay and they keep replaying over and over in my head. Thing is over the past year I’ve had crushes on 3 guys I’ve met through dating apps. The last one I actually hung out with and I had my first kiss/makeout session 2 months ago. After that my hocd calmed down I enjoyed kissing him it felt euphoric the whole drive home just replaying our dates in my head. But now I can’t get the thought out of my head what if I didn’t like it enough? I didn’t get butterflies when we kissed (i do when I think back about it though) and didnt feel super aroused like that time I watched that movie. I feel nothing when I look at pictures and videos of men but with women I started getting this warm feeling in my chest which stressed me out even more. Idk what I am anymore and it is driving me insane. Does anyone relate?

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: thebeginning thebeginning

Date posted: 2y ago

You're not alone! Our stories are very similar, too. I was never, and still in my 20s I'm not, boy crazy and while I have had crushes on boys, it feels like I've always gravitated towards female singers or characters. Like I never fangirled over boy bands (except maybe for a few months over One direction) and or drooled over an actor because they're handsome(I can only name one) but my gosh I was obsessed with lady gaga and other singer and female characters and while I was never paying attention to those artists' looks, my OCD just loves that. I've had it on and off since I was 14 and didn't know it was ocd until back in 2020 so I feel you so much. And while I don't feel sexually attracted, I do get that warm feeling in my chest when I do see provocative pictures/ gif of women (usually celebrity women like for example in a provocative music video or role) I just now know it's anxiety because if I see something triggering like that and force myself to keep looking instead of avoiding it, the tension/ panic in my body and chest just feels like when you're watching a scary movie and you know there's a jump scare coming soon. Also it makes me doubt because those moments of panic don't last very long and man it just feels like it's gotten so convincing these past 2 years. So you're not alone, hang in there!

Username: hlm2hlm2

Date posted: 2y ago

@thebeginning Wow our stories are so similar! I have the same worries about liking female celebrities when I was a kid I was obsessed with Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez (probably like ages 6-10). My biggest fear is that the crushes I got on the guys in the past year are fake. Even though I would fully giggle and blush when the last one sent me videos and when we stopped talking I was upset (but I worry I wasn’t upset enough I never cried or anything). The whole situation is warped in my mind, I don’t get anxiety over the gay thoughts anymore and that worries me but they’re still there 24/7

Username: thebeginning thebeginning

Date posted: 2y ago

@hlm2 Oh I liked Hannah Montana too! Until Lady Gaga came along in 2009 lol so that's what worries me and still to this day I seem to gravitate toward female singers and characters. Ocd is super attached to Dove Cameron right now 🤦🏻‍♀️ Oof yeah I don't get much anxiety either at this point even if they’re also there all the time. I actually prefer when I'm triggered (only OCD can do that 😅) Like even if they're not something just doesn't feel right like...idk how to explain it. It’s actually pretty crazy how a lot of us have the same fears.

Username: mrgg11mrgg11

Date posted: 2y ago

Someone told me in hocd about samesex you can get more aroused in same sex than in your opposite because brain and ocd are doing that cuz ocd eated us brain for that that happen

Username: ocdgirl123ocdgirl123

Date posted: 2y ago

hi! our stories are super similar! the only difference is that i did have crushes on boys where i was younger but had less success dating now (so a bit reversed for us) and that’s something my ocd loves to latch onto a lot. i’m not going to tell you your sexuality (as that’s reassurance) but being aroused by seeing topless women doesn’t automatically make you gay. there are loads of straight women that exclusively watch lesbian porn. being aroused by sex/the human form regardless of its gender just makes you a sexual being. i know straight men, even, that express attraction towards different male actors they really like. human sexuality is very nebulous and ocd hates that. it’s why we’re tortured with this. since you’re on the road to treatment, i would recommend you read pure by rose cartwright. she suffers from so-ocd as well and she really put my thought patterns into perspective

Username: hlm2hlm2

Date posted: 2y ago

@nonny12 I just read Pure recently and it definitely was insightful! The thing that worries me most is how most people who share their hocd stories knew they were straight before and I feel as if I didn’t know. The fact that I didn’t have many crushes as a kid just cements the fear for me at this point. It’s all so confusing. We will get through it though <3

Username: Mak46Mak46

Date posted: 2y ago

Yeah I can completely relate, like someone else said it's just a little reversed. I did have crushes on some guys growing up and even was basically obsessed with Orlando Bloom (honestly still am lol) but I have never had a boyfriend and now I worry so much that if I got into a relationship I won't actually be attracted to him and like kissing him, etc.

Username: hlm2hlm2

Date posted: 2y ago

@Mak46 I have the same worries! Especially since I’ve only ever kissed the one guy pretty recently I keep getting these thoughts of what if with the next time you’re with a different guy you hate it

Username: Mak46Mak46

Date posted: 2y ago

@hlm2 Yeah exactly! And I get so anxious when trying to date I think because it is so far out of my comfort zone and it's dealing with a cute guy. But it only makes those worries worse. A little tmi but I also have never had sex so I worry about not liking/enjoying it.

Username: hlm2hlm2

Date posted: 2y ago

@Mak46 Same here!! I only had my first kiss 2 months ago (we met up 4 times) and I think I enjoyed it but I keep thinking about what if I didn’t enjoy it enough

Username: mrgg11mrgg11

Date posted: 2y ago

@hlm2 yep and it looks like you didnt enjoyed after you think so much about that right?

Username: hlm2hlm2

Date posted: 2y ago

@mrgg11 Yes! Given that they were my first few kisses they were awkward for some parts but I know that the last time I definitely enjoyed most of it. I keep replaying when we kissed at the bar and he was really drunk and was using a lot of tongue and i hated it. Like my brain is focusing on the parts I didn’t like and forgetting about the ones I did

Username: idont241

Date posted: 5y ago

*ocd vent/story because i am not so sure if it’s ocd anymore* I always have anxiety attacks because of my ocd. I used to have ocd concerning how I looked like, with ticks and everything. I started comparing myself to every girl i found and that’s how I started noticing pretty people, mostly girls because i kept comparing myself to them. I told my parents and all they did was give me reassurance. it kind of made me feel better but just for the night. I had an anxiety attack every. Single. Day. I cried because of how my face looked like. But then, my hocd thoughts started out of nowhere with a dream where I was kissing my girl best friend. I was disgusted by it. I clearly remember in the dream that she enjoyed it more than me. I didn’t enjoy it at all. That’s when those thoughts about my body left me. I was completely surprised by it since I that came out of nowhere, I’d never had felt like that before, and I knew it was fake. Well, I dropped it and then around 2 weeks later I saw a friend and all I could think about was “what if I like her” and everything. I gave myself reassurance with quizzes online to see if I was bi and it said no so I dropped it again and didn’t really think about it. Then, again, 2 weeks later the thought came out of nowhere when I was watching a video. Then I first started thinking I could be bi. But again I woke up one day thinking I was a lesbian and those thoughts didn’t leave me alone. I started crying every single day because of them. I couldn’t even watch a movie with girls in it because it made me feel anxious. I slowly started losing my attraction then. I found out about hocd and i instantly knew that was me. Well, I was disgusted by being intimate with girls. But then my ocd kept getting worse and worse until I didn’t know if I would like them or not. Every single guy or girl I saw I imagine to see if I could like a relationship with one. When I see a hot guy and can’t imagine myself with one I put myself down because my head keeps using that as evidence. Every couple I see I now think the girl is pretty than the guy and it really bothers me. I can see a hot guy and feel nothing. The worse thing is I used to have a small crush before this happened. I hate this, I feel lost and I don’t know what to do. My head keeps telling me “you’re a lesbian” even when I am not doing anything. When I am happy I put myself down because my head keeps telling me “you’re a lesbian” and I think I am going to disappoint my parents. Or when people talk about my sisters boyfriend I just can’t imagine myself with a boyfriend anymore, all I could think about is the word “girlfriend” and it really bothers me. I keep thinking If i am ever going to be as close with a guy as my sister is with her boyfriend- always kissing him. But when I try imaging it and intrussive thought of a girl comes along. Sometimes they even are of how my life would be with a girl, and it makes me so anxious and fearful because i don’t know if I would like it or not, i don’t really know what i am feeling anymore. I am not ready to have a relationship yet but it would be nice to not have these thoughts and know for sure. Sorry if this is so long, I just don’t know anyone that’s having the thoughts I am having right now concerning my ocd, I am not sure of anything anymore.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: anotherocd123

Date posted: 5y ago

Okay so I have been struggling with HOCD for so fucking long. I never felt like I had crushes on boys growing up but I wasn’t attracted to girls either (this was through 5th grade). Until 6th grade hit. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had the thought walking up the stairs and it was “You’re lesbian.” And ever since that thought was there and I fought it I have been dealing with all types of OCD ever since (been going on for 7 years). And only this year I found it was OCD. But it’s hard because I don’t know if I’m actually gay or I convinced myself I’m gay because I gave up and gave in. Now whenever I see I pretty girl I feel tingling. And I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t a lesbian so I look up pretty pictures of girls with their boobs out and I loved it. And I wanna make out with a girl so intensely. But then at the same I don’t wanna be in a relationship with a girl and I wanna marry a guy and I just desperately wanted to be like by a guy. But I get so horny whenever girls are in bikinis and stuff. But I have OCD and I’m so confused.

Username: Fr0ggy

Date posted: 1y ago

HOCD thoughts are tiring 😓

Before anyone reads this please be aware that this can be triggering and some 18+ content is mentioned on here. So I have been recently experiencing HOCD, been experiencing it for a few weeks now (it’s very new to me and something Ive never dealt with). My whole life I have never liked a girl nor have I ever had a crush or fell in love with a girl like I do with men. But just like everyone whenever people get into heat sometimes we watch things to pleasure ourselves. Well for me it’s always been lesbian love and have been doing that for years. There have been times where I go “am I bi” but then I would try to imagine myself with a women sexually and romantically and I would just cringe at the idea of it so I would just tell myself that I don’t and just carry on with my everyday life. But a few weeks ago I was talking to a friend about this and I explained to them that I am not bi because I would simply see lesbian love as something that I can relate to because of how women pleasure themselves can be relatable and because I said that my friend decides to make a comment saying ”idk maybe you are bi or not, you never know until you try” and for some reason that got in my head and for 2 weeks straight I was having non stop thoughts about my sexuality and trying to imagine myself with a girl and I would always cringe but there were times where it felt like “maybe I do want that” and I would panic again because I don’t want that and it’s not me but yet it feels like I’m lying to myself when I know deep down I’m straight. I also forgot to mention that I am in a relationship with my boyfriend and he’s literally everything to me. But during those two weeks I had lack of sleep and constant mental breakdowns because I don’t wanna be bi and I would panic whenever I felt calm and say things like ”it’s okay to be bi just be bi” it also didn’t help that so many of my friends were telling me that nothing is wrong with being bi and to not drop the idea fully. Like I know sexuality isn’t wrong but I want to drop the idea because I myself know deep down I’m straight but ofc my brain goes “nope you’re just tryna convince yourself”. It also ruins me enjoying my relationship because of these thoughts (as well as some ROCD thoughts). Idk I am just struggling with letting the thoughts in and trying not to analyze them or act on them. It’s very tiring 🥺 Like even rn I feel calm having these thoughts and it freaks me out a lil cause it makes me think that it’s true 😭

Sexual Orientation OCD

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