I’ve been using my toilet since I’ve moved in. Dealt fairly well with it and tonight my landlady who is attached to my annexe, was saying how she used to let her grandchildren use this annexe as a play house when it was empty and now I’m freaking out about using the toilet even though I know I’ve cleaned it before and have used it no problems before. I just put nearly half a bottle of bleach over it all and I’m disappointed I gave in to ocd. But I just need to remind myself I can’t be perfect all the time, sometimes ocd will win, but I’ve got to keep fighting and not let it win all the time

Just wanted to share two big victories I've had this past week. First, after a flood in my house from a hurricane about seven years ago, I convinced myself I had to use different pairs of shoes for upstairs and downstairs cause the floors downstairs were contaminated with flood germs. This may have made sense for like, the days after the flood but it went on til this week when I was able to bring myself to walk downstairs in my slippers and everything was fine! Second, I've had my cats in a fairly large cat enclosure to keep them separated from the dogs and also prevent them from getting into the walls that were taken down in the flood (long story, the fact that they still aren't fixed) but my brain always treated said space and by extension them as dirty. In order to give both me and the cats better quality of life, I decided to move them into my upstairs room and hall (using a gate to still prevent them from going anywhere dangerous for them while still having a bigger space to roam). I'm having to get past the stage of "Oh God, what if this was a bad idea and they contaminate my room with death germs" but I'm gonna win against my OCD and enjoy my cats!!! (Though as I write this, one of them went from the litter box straight to my bed and tracked litter onto it so there will be some more road bumps...)

venting cause im tired of this: sorry for yelling it’s for emphasis, HAVE ANY OF MY FREAKOUTS CAUSED BY OCD ACTUALLY HELPED ME?? PROBABLY NOT? (no seriously they havnt this is exposure therapy now I ain’t reassuring myself) HAVE THEY MADE ME SLEEP DEPRIVED? YES HAVE THEY MADE MY HANDS CRACK AND BLEED FOR YEARS? YES (ouch currently can’t even move my hands without them cracking open) HAVE THEY MADE ME TAKE WAY TO MANY SHOWERS TO THE POINT MY HAIR IS LIKE STRAW? YES HAVE THEY MADE ME LOST WITHIN MY SELF AND RUIN RELATIONSHIPS? YES :( HAVE THEY MADE ME AVOID AREAS OF MY NICE HOME? YES (double sucks cause i only moved late last year) legit in the last couple of months i thought i had could have tetanus, insecticide poisoning, mould in my hair and bed, that somehow bleach and alcohol or ammonia got mixed and i made a toxic gas (I don’t even own bleach etc) thrown out towels and clothes and so so much more. just wtf is ocd, why? Why does it do this?? Surely people without ocd are just wondering what they’ll have for lunch or something?? NOT OMG ITS GOT MOULD ITS SPREAD EVERYWHERE. I’m so tired, just want to live life without being terrified all the time. Please join in with what you’re over with when it comes to OCD, it’s good to vent sometimes.

This is ruining every part of my life. The carpet on my staircase is old and pretty dirty, and there's dried mud on it. There's brown bits, which I'm convinced is cat poop and there's a good chance it could be because there have been multiple times my cat has had it stuck to her after going in the litter tray. It's impossible to clean so I don't try, and my parents don't probably because they don't see it's dirty and because it's such an old worn out thing anyway. So I wear slippers everywhere except my bedroom. Only, the other day I stepped somewhere contaminated in socks and then put my slippers back on, so now they're contaminated on the inside which defeats the whole point. So now, if I want to get into bed, I have to take my slippers off outside my door, and my socks, and I have to put new socks on, but if I do that I have to wash my hands again. Which means going to the bathroom. Which means putting the slippers on. Which means I'm contaminated again. I feel so sick and I want to cry. There are so many not hygienic things in my house, and it makes living with this so much harder. I tell myself that what I'm going through are compulsions and intrusive thoughts and obsessions but how can that be true if there's a very real chance the brown on my staircase is cat poop? How can it be true when it's my own fault because I'm too lazy to clean it and I'm too lazy to try fixing the issue when there are so many things stopping me and there are so many things not hygienic about the house. I want to cry, it's too much. I can't tell myself I'm being irrational when I'm being rational. I just can't keep doing this. I want to lay in bed until I feel better but I never feel better. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow about my ocd symptoms and thoughts but what am I meant to say? My house is a state and covered in mud on the carpet, and it sends me into multiple mental breakdowns a week? A day? Surely that's not ocd but instead is perfectly rational? I can't cope with any of this anymore, I want so badly to live in hygiene and cleanliness. It doesn't matter how hard I try, I'm never clean. I will never be clean. And I keep trying to tell myself that even if it's cat poop, it's not the end of the world. But I feel so ashamed. I feel dirty. I just want all of this to stop being so difficult.