I’ve been trying so hard :(

I’ve been trying my absolute hardest to not give in to compulsions today. And posting on here is one of my biggest ones. I lasted this long so it’s a step in the right direction. I’m just so scared. I no longer have intrusive thoughts about harm (such as what if you just kill them) type things. But instead i now have super bad intrusive images. And they are so gruesome and so disturbing. And i hardly have any anxiety reaction to them and it’s making me so scared. I felt really good yesterday and today I’ve had images since I’ve been awake. I don’t know how to get rid of them. I’m so scared that I’m truly a bad person for visualizing these things. It makes me feel like a true monster. I’m so scared. I’m scared that I’ll just go off and do what I’m visualizing. Like how do i know i won’t just do it ? I don’t want to but how do i know that for sure? Is anybody willing to give examples of their intrusive images (relating to harm)? I just feel like mine are so bad and I find it hard to believe that anyone else could be seeing such horrible things.

Harm OCD

forya99

Date posted: 2y

You're not a bad person! I think you see those images because you're scared of them. It triggers anxiety. I had harm intrusive thoughts as well and got rid of them by not reacting to them. When I wasn't scared these thoughts were totally insignificant and their frequency and impact decreased. I hope you find a way to get along with your thoughts :)

Anon17

Date posted: 2y

@forya99 I feel like I’m not reacting though. Like I hardly have any anxiety. I mean when i see an image i kinda clench my teeth because it’s so bad but like i don’t know. It just feels like I’m not reacting enough. And it’s so scary.

forya99

Date posted: 2y

@Anon17 Maybe you got used to them? Or something in you already knows it's just stupid thoughts? I mean you describe these images as bad and horrible so you're evaluating them in a way. You said that you're scared because you're not scared enough when they come up. Maybe it leads to you testing your reaction, because you want it to be different. And in order to keep your anxiety over not-enough-anxiety alive your reaction doesn't differ from before.

Anon17

Date posted: 2y

@forya99 This makes sense thank you. It’s just so crazy because yesterday i honestly felt okay. I had a little anxiety in the morning and at night before i went to bed but other than that i felt fairly okay. And even last night i said to myself i could not believe what i was thinking. Like i told myself in my head “how did/could i ever think of those things”. And now today it’s total opposite. Like the images have been there almost all day and they have gotten worse. And now I’m questioning everything about who i am as a person. Like does this mean I’m some monster because I’m not reacting. Like i know that they bother me but now my mind is going down the road of what if i just don’t care. Like what if i just go off and what if i don’t care ?

forya99

Date posted: 2y

@Anon17 Thoughts are just thoughts, they're not real. When I get triggered and have a bad thought I'm annoyed as well. I'm literally angry on my brain, because I'm done with questioning my current self. I noticed meditation helped me to get along with intrusive thoughts and working out is also helping a lot. I want to try erp now for another ocd I'm working with. Do you visit a professional yet?

blueberrybush3

Date posted: 24w

please anyone...

i didn't get a response so i'm reposting, i'd really like another persons perspective... idk if what i write will make sense but i am scared of my ability to prolong and intensify / increase the vividness of the physical and mental feelings and thoughts i am experiencing to the point i think since i am doing something willingly that feels so horrific it makes me a bad person who did actually something bad. especially when this has to do with sxual thoughts that i absolutely despise. idk if it's a compulsion but it almost feels unavoidable (is it a compulsion?) let me explain like once my brain feels/knows i'm extra scared to imagine and feel something i get this anticipatory anxiety that just won't leave me alone until i undergo / get through what feels like the most disturbing, vivid level of my own thoughts and feelings and i can control that to a degree where i hyperfixate on my sensations and thoughts and it plays out and prolongs which feels so awful and real and then i'm like hold up i really just did that intentionally i feel traumatized and so grossed out. esp if i hold my breath for some reason i noticed my bodily feelings and mental images are more vivid and i feel so guilty for it. i've done so many exposures and i can't get over this fear of my own ability to purposefully be able to think really hard and manipulate the intensity of my most darkest thoughts that it disturbingly impacts both my body and mind, physical and mental reactions. is this common? is it a compulsion? what am i doing wrong and what should i do.

tayanominous

Date posted: 24w

I’m scared does anyone else have these thoughts?

TW!!!! TW! Not talking abt SOCD in talking abt those really gross intrusive thoughts about sexual things with family ,friends, animals, random people. Mine is with family specifically my mom and I am so scared and my OCD is saying I actually want these thoughts to happen irl. I’m scared and these thoughts aren’t just the average incest thoughts there are sooo messed up it crazy, a few weeks ago I gas a thought that I was pregnant with that family member I mentioned before and I know ewwwwww wtf it’s sooo bad and I’m scared ppl will judge me for it in here or my therapist I’m so scared and it keeps adding to this thought like what it would be like if that were true and it’s sounds so crazy and gross and f****d up I feel so guilty and scared and I don’t wanna do ERP cuz I’m scared worse thoughts will come and your probably think well I can’t get worse then that but unfortunately it probably could anyways I’m sorry for ranting and pls pls reply cuz I feel rlly alone cuz I feel like no one gets THESE thoughts aghhh 😖

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

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I’ve been trying so hard :(

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