Relationship - cheating? :(

So I made a mistake and I need to confess to someone. Me and my girlfriend have been on a break because of relationship shit. An exclusive break. I think you can see where this is going. Then whilst I'm travelling abroad I might this lovely girl and I'm attracted to her but I don't think twice about it (don't want to obsess). Fast forward and me and our group of friends, including her go drinking. We get drunk. Then there's three of us and we go clubbing and I feel the tension between us and I address it and tell her I have a girlfriend and I don't want to cheat. She's completely fine with it. Cool right? But still I feel so guilty because we were too close when we danced, and I held her hand because I was just happy to be around someone that got me and I would never see her again because the next morning she's flying back to her own country. I kiss her cheek goodbye and I leave pretty happy. I also remember telling her I wanted to kiss her (but I didn't want to because relationship) and I feel so so so so so so so bad and guilty I feel so shit. Okay I didn't cheat but why did I say those things??? Why did I do that??? My intentions weren't to flirt, I was just happy in that moment. But still I can't believe it was me who did that. I'm in denial I don't know. I feel so bad. I don't know how much I should tell my girlfriend and we're complicated enough as it is. I'd appreciate it if someone listened without too much judgement I know I did a bad thing

Relationship OCD

Username: r93xleor93xleo

Date posted: 2y ago

honestly i wouldn’t worry too much about it if your girlfriend and you were on an exclusive break (easier said than done, i know.) this is probably more relationship advice than ROCD advice. but did you guys discuss boundaries while on the exclusive break? if you both agreed to not do things with other people and you kissed this girl’s cheek/held her hand then you’re going to have to tell your girlfriend that you went against your agreement. if you guys didn’t discuss if you could see other people on the exclusive break, then this is just a messy miscommunication (kind of like the ross and rachel friends episode.) if you guys said it was OK to venture out and do your own thing on the exclusive break, you did not cheat on your girlfriend. if anything, you being this worked up about holding hands / kissing another girl on the cheek shows how much you love your girlfriend. in this respect, this “exclusive break” could have shown you that you don’t want anyone else but your girlfriend, and want to make right with her (and fix whatever causes you 2 to go on the break.) i also interpreted the kissing / holding hands as being flirty, but i’m not sure if this is moreso a cultural thing. like in latin america and europe how they kiss people on the cheeks hello & goodbye and it’s platonic. if you normally kiss other women and men on the cheek (ie. to say hello and goodbye, since it’s a cultural thing) i wouldn’t worry about kissing her on the cheek. just because you felt attraction towards her / were happy around her and kissed her on the cheek as a standard ‘goodbye’ doesn’t make it anymore right / wrong than doing it to everyone you say hello and goodbye too! not sure if the kissing on the cheek was something flirtatious or more of a ‘greeting / goodbye’ so i wanted to add that in there. either way, i think you need to talk to your girlfriend and tell her what happened during your exclusive break — she’s owed that much! be transparent, communicate, and let her know how awful it makes you feel that you held the girl’s hand and kissed her on her cheek and why (because you obviously still care about your girlfriend!) it seems like you’d want to get back with her, so maybe this is a time where you can tell her what you want to do from here on out and ask her the same. don’t beat yourself up too much, especially if your exclusive break didn’t discuss boundaries / being with other people, or even if you were allowed to see other people. good luck! :)

Username: r93xleor93xleo

Date posted: 2y ago

also a bit of a side note i forgot to add: have you ever had false memory OCD? like thinking just because you’re attracted to this girl or talked to her or danced with her then you actually cheated (ie. held her hand, did stuff with her, etc.) just throwing this out there cause i don’t know all the context. but i assume this is something that actually happened and it’s not a false memory! :) (not to make you second guess your memory, just needed a bit more insight since OCD is quite complex)

Username: guesswhosbackguesswhosback

Date posted: 2y ago

Nah it did happen. But thankyou for the advice. I really value communication and honesty

Username: r93xleor93xleo

Date posted: 2y ago

@guesswhosback of course, no problem!!

Username: guesswhosbackguesswhosback

Date posted: 2y ago

Thankyou :( we aren't allowed to see other people and I don't want to!!! And yeah the kiss on the cheek goodbye wasn't flirty. It was just a goodbye. I will tell her I held hands with her though I really wish I hadn't. Thankyou though I appreciate it.

Username: r93xleor93xleo

Date posted: 2y ago

@guesswhosback no problem! if the kiss on the cheek was just a goodbye and not flirty then i don’t think you have much to worry about. even though you weren’t allowed to see people, i personally don’t think ‘holding hands’ is considered cheating to the point where you should be obsessing over it this much. be honest with your girlfriend and let her know! you obviously feel awful about it and OCD likes to latch on to our biggest fears. it’s up to her how she decides to take the information and what to do with it, but honesty goes a long way :) you can (calmly) tell her about what happened, how you feel awful about it, how you didn’t do anything with the girl, how you told her you had a girlfriend, etc. you might want to add in WHY you were holding her hand — you were really happy after seemingly feeling shitty for awhile! maybe it’s common for you to hold hands with your friends (both male and female), in that case, i would consider it even less as ‘cheating.’ the holding hands seems quite innocent to me personally. but again, discuss all this with your girlfriend since she needs to be the one who gets to weigh in on it! maybe don’t outright message her saying “i’m so sorry i cheated” because that would just cause her to panic and this seems pretty subjective to be honest. just let her know what happened and say you feel awful and you feel it was wrong of you to do. i hope everything works out for you and your girlfriend! :)

Username: SofiaLovedAndHealedSofiaLovedAn...

Date posted: 2y ago

I think I’m hearing this for the first time but what us an exclusive break? Isn’t it just being on a break?

Username: SofiaLovedAndHealedSofiaLovedAn...

Date posted: 2y ago

@SofiaLovedAndHealed *is

Username: guesswhosbackguesswhosback

Date posted: 2y ago

Like being less emotionally involved with each other but no getting with other people

Username: Just another...

Date posted: 3y ago

Please help I feel like a horrible human being. I’ve never cheated on my partner but I almost did 5 years ago. I was in another country and I got blackout drunk. I was walked to my hotel room by a woman I didn’t know. The next day she talked to my cousin and told him what happened. She also told him that I was talking about my girlfriend the whole night but I can’t help but think that I was too drunk to think straight and reject her had she tried to hook up with me. I know I didn’t initiate anything but what if I’m my mind I thought about cheating? What if I wanted to and we didn’t because she was a good person and knew I had a girlfriend? I feel so horrible about this incident and I wish I could go back in time and not get that drunk. I know for a fact that nothing happened but what were my intentions that night? I can’t figure it out and it’s driving me insane. Please help

Username: Johnny101

Date posted: 3y ago

Hey this isn’t really ocd related I don’t think, I’m just hoping for a piece of advice from some of you guys out there. This Friday I went to a party with some of my friends, to another friend of mines dorm room. The friend who’s dorm room we were in, me and her had became close last year other than that we haven’t really spoken much over the last semester. I’ve never thought of her as anything besides friends. I have a girlfriend I love very much and everything and I would never ever want to hurt her at all. Friday I was very intoxicated, and was talking to one of my other friends about the friend who’s dorm room it is about how I thought she was attractive. But with my guy friends we’ve always been very open about talking about females indirectly. I don’t think I said anything to her directly about it and I am really hoping I didn’t seem flirtatious because I feel absolutely full of anxiety and guilt that I was disloyal to my girlfriend in sort of way and idk what to do. Physically I’m positive for sure I didn’t do anything and my other friend says I didn’t say anything to her while he was around. I’m just really scared because I love my girlfriend and I don’t want to sit w the guilt that I did something to hurt her. Vowed to myself I wouldn’t drink again or put myself in a situation where I may be vulnerable to doing something like that. Someone please give me some advice to feel less guilty

Username: Anonymous444444

Date posted: 2y ago

What should I tell her?

I know we can't ask for reassurance, but I need some opinions from others who understand OCD :( When my gf and I had just gone official, I had another friend who I was close with that I think had feelings for me. When I was drunk one night I called her after she left to pick me up and go to her apartment. My friend told me it was just to keep drinking because my roommate had gone to sleep in the living room, but I was so drunk I can't fully remember and feel I was making the call to fool around. Another time a few weeks later we squeezed hands while very drunk again. I've since stopped drinking and hanging out with this person, and even told my gf what happened. However I didn't go into detail about the fact that I think I might have been trying to cheat or had slightly developed feelings, just told her I felt like I had cheated by making that call at all. She took it really well but I don't feel she understands the severity, and thinks it was mostly the other girl making advances. It scares me so much because I did kiss another girl during my previous relationship yeears ago in college (my current gf doesn't know about this), so I'm scared I'm doing bad again. I feel like I need to confess and fully explain what exactly I'm worried about, and that I think the only thing that stopped me from actually cheating is that she didn't pick me up, but at this point I'm not sure if that's a compulsion or not. How do I know? Do I just confess again? I've confessed multiple times to her and it's def put a strain on things :(

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