If someone can please talk to me I just really need someone to talk to.. I’ve now been going through whatever this is for 6 months and it’s been the worst months of my life. I’ve made so much progress but at the moment my mind is stuck in the past and is making me feel bad for sexual things I used to do around 1/2 years ago. There was this app called hotel hideaway that I used to go on with my friends that was just people making their own avatars etc and when I was really horny I used to pretend having sex with people by typing stuff out and I used to masturbate to it..I didn’t give any personal details away etc but tbh I just feel like a weirdo for doing this. My minds like god you actually done that with random people and then my mind remembers specific details of it and makes me feel worse and worst of all is that I’m scared of how my family would react to this sort of thing.. I feel like a weirdo and I’m laying here crying my eyes out because I don’t know what todo anymore

18+ TW! Involves sexual content I have learning disabilities which means im always going to be 3-5 years mentally behind from my actual age… when I was 14 I remember finding people saying they work with kids “attractive” and I remember mastu*** over a kid around 5+ but when I was 14 I was either mentally age 11 or 9. So I didn’t know it was wrong, and as soon as I realised I stopped. People say I was young and it’s okay but I remember finding people saying they even walked past a nursery “attractive” but I don’t know if this is even the right word. Maybe cute? Because I find different emotions hard to tell the difference between, so maybe it’s cute rather than attractive. I never ever had intentions to do anything to younger individuals, it was just me finding people saying they worked with them etc attractive… which my ocd now plays on, because my friend mentioned they were working with kids but idk if it was the real me or not but I genuinely felt like I found it attractive and it was giving my so many groinal responses which then made me feel genuinely aroused like I wanted to do things. This plays on my mind because my ocd will always say “but you did/do find stuff like this attractive” but this literally stops me from eating, sleeping or anything. I can’t break from my compultions because what if I do genuinely find it attractive. I don’t think it’s even attractive maybe it’s cute? Like I find it cute… but cuteness can give people feelings down there I guess. I think because if my learning disabilities I found it hard to know the difference between “attraction” and cute so I did stuff over it because it gave me that feeling down there but that could of been cuteness feeling. I just need some support on this.

I feel nauseous. Extremely sick, i cannot eat, cant sleep well, and I haven't enjoyed things I normally enjoy to cry in bed and spiral for several days already. I feel extremely anxious over my past real events. I remembered something extremely triggering. I used to be morbidly curious about crimes and like I remember when i was a younger teen I watched a dark documentary that honestly i shouldnt have watched. There was this extremely weird scene and i think i felt weirded out but also a little aroused? but only bc I was thinking "lucky, shes already having sex. I wish I was her so i could experience it too." The poor person was like 1-3 years younger than me at the time. I KNOW how wrong that is now i legit feel like im going to throw up rn. Anyway I think I felt a little aroused??? And I think I touched myself a little bit and imagined myself in her place? I dont think I enjoyed it bc i remember it felt forced and weird and i stopped. I never did it again. I feel so sick! I would NEVER watch a documentary like that now as an adult and think or touch myself to it thats just so wrong but im scared that this is a sign im a sicko/p. I remmeber crying at the end of the documentary bc I felt disturbed by the contents but i still put some in my watch later out of morbid curiosity to see more real cases of these crimes bc they scared me. I never watched them again though. It only happened once and it was before my ocd started which SCARES me even more!!! And i wouldnt watch them as an adult either theyre too disturbing! I regret it so badly and feel like a monster bc it was messed up. Like what was wrong with me?! Theyre extremely disturbing to me and I rather avoid such content bc its triggering to my ocd but im afraid now like was that a sign of me possibly being a p? Am I a monster??? Am I in denial? Is this even ocd?! I feel so much shame and guilt it's killing me. 😔

I’m really struggling with real event ocd at the moment because I feel like no one else has done what I did so I’m the exception. I spoke about this already here but I’ve literally been crying every day I feel so hopeless at the moment I wish I could just go back to the years I spent doing this thing and stop myself because my life could have been so much different now. I hate myself so much because I cannot forgive myself. What I did isn’t morally bad it just does not align with my current identity so I really struggle with accepting myself because of my past mistakes. I wish so badly that I had a friend who went through the same thing because I feel so alone