How do I stop reassuring myself

+ how do I start therapy again I've been trying to do some different things with my OCD, but Im not doing ERP yet again, cuz I'm afraid. I know I'm worthy of recovery, and these thoughts have controlled me for far, far too long. (Same theme, two years). It's an awful theme and I hate when I don't know what's real or not. I just wanna know if I'm actually suicidal or not. I just wanna get better. So how can I start again?? And how should I react to thoughts that pop up through the day (that's my hardest thing, the biggest thing I need to overcome is how I react to the thoughts) And my main compulsions is SELF reassurance. So like counter-acting the thought with logic, saying "this certain thing will be okay", or looking on my Pinterest board for reassurance. All I want is to get better. Tips, any at all, would be appreciated!!