@Anonymous I am still going through this and have had many ups and downs. I’m not over it. There are days where I am so down and just cry all day. So you are not alone, there’s many of us here who understand what you’re going through.
I will tell you honestly that while I worked hard at my initial fears, throwing myself into cbt and erp, my ocd moved on to another serious and incurable health condition characterised by white patches on the skin. My son seems to have these patches. Just before Christmas, I googled it! Don’t know I did that, stupid! I’m triggered by the sight of my son’s skin so erp is hard and I avoid him a lot. It tears my heart in two, ever known anyone to avoid their own child’s body/skin and want to avoid them for fear of being triggered and having a panic attack!? It’s like a nightmare.
I’ve used the same erp and cbt tools but it has been very hard because it’s too distressing right now and because as a priority, I need to ensure my child is healthy first before I focus my energy on myself (I know this is a flawed way of thinking). I’m waiting for the specialist app on Monday. So sometimes I just feel like I can’t breathe as the date approaches.
There are moments where I’m convinced he has this sickness and try to mentally prepare myself for the dr to tell me this. I have a million what if thoughts. But I try to remind myself that the what if thoughts are anxiety thoughts that are trying to prepare or cushion me for bad news. In reality, I have no idea what’s going to happen on Monday. But I do know that I interpret a lot of situations with fear which warps my ability to think logically.
My advice is to build your fear / exposure ladder. Start with the things that cause the least distress and keep doing that daily until you feel it’s not so bad.
Post erp you can do some cbt work. State your worry, how it makes you feel, all the thoughts that come with it, and rate your most intense feeling and the thought you believe the most. Identify your negative thinking patterns (eg catastrophic thinking). Then challenge your thought with facts for and against your worry. Try to think what you would tell a friend who is thinking this, what would you do in this situation if they didn’t have this fear, would this still worry you in 50 years time (questions like this help shift perspective). Then come up with a more balanced thought to replace your worry thought. You might find that the worst thing you felt and the belief in your thoughts go down in intensity.
You can put your worry into an experiment. For example, I will not worry check this bruise on my son until next week and see if it goes away on its own.
^^this is an extremely simplified way of explaining it to you and I encourage you to ask your therapist for guidance on doing thought challenging and erp. You can also do online ocd program on This Way Up which is what I’m doing. It’s not very expensive to do and self paced.
Worry stories are also a good way to unburden yourself and expose yourself. This is where you write out your entire fear from beginning to the worst case scenario ending, allowing yourself to continue writing through the distress.
Being scared is normal, it’s your anxiety, but that it comes from a place of love. Absolutely get dr check ups for yourself and child when unsure because u don’t want to neglect that but the trick is to learn to let go once the dr app is done and focus on your erp and cbt. I’m sorry you’re going through this. There is joy to be found in every moment. If you feel especially shitty, go and give baby a big cuddle, kiss, or challenge yourself to make him/her laugh by doing something silly. Put music on and dance! Ask yourself, can this worry be put off for a while and go do something for yourself such as a short meditation, a relaxing bath, hit the gym, or a nice walk outside. I also listen to the audio bible as often as I can. I may not always be paying attention but having the Word permeate you is healing. This Ofc I’m assuming you are Christian.
I pray and rejoice every day. You don’t have to be a perfect parent, just good enough. And being good enough consistently enough is the perfect approach.
Try also generally increasing your tolerance to uncertainty by doing unrelated uncomfortable things. For example, I stop double checking doors are locked or garage door is closed or over sanitising my hands.
Are you on medication as well? I think the key is to attack ocd from all angles. Really work hard with erp and cbt. Consider meds and other ways to reduce stress. Inject fun and motivating things into your day. Journal, pray, confide in someone, let the tears flow when you need them to!
Sorry for this really long post, but I hope it does help you. Personal message me if you need.
