Angela_89

Date posted: 2y

Bye..?

I feel sick and my heart aches... Lately I have been not getting intrusive thoughts, I'm willing to say "they are just thoughts". I'm willing to not obsess over them, now I am SCARED if I don't have ROCD at all and I'm just in denial, I feel calm with my thoughts, but now I feel like I don't love my partner after all. My intimacy that was once there is now disappearing. My love for him feels like it's disappearing.. I know the thing that love is a choice but I'm starting to feel like I don't actually love him at all.. I'm scared. I genuinely want to spend time with him more and get to know him more. Now when I say "I love you" I pause in the middle of my sentence because I feel like I'm faking it. Same with making gestures, I feel like hugging, kissing, and holding his hand once felt genuine, now I'm afraid that it isn't genuine at all and I'm just forcing myself to love him. I'm so confused. Just a week ago I had such intense intrusive thoughts now I feel like I numbed from it. I just told my partner that "I feel like my feelings and love for you are drifting away" I feel bad, I feel fake, I don't want to break up with him... I want to spend my future and time with him. People say "love flows" but I feel like my feelings and love for him, the emotions I feel with him will never come back. It hurts.. I feel like I may not have ROCD after all. So I may be going.

Relationship OCD

Anonymous<3

Date posted: 2y

I’m going through the exact same right now. Completely numb. Don’t give up though! We have to keep going. I am a firm believer that the internet, movies etc really put out a false perspective of what love should look like and we freak out when it doesn’t look like that. And if your head is telling you that your in denial it’s probably just the ocd talking. I’m not a professional and I don’t wanna tell you what’s best for you because only you can decide but this is what I truly believe

Angela_89

Date posted: 2y

I'm starting to think it was just my intrusive thoughts getting the best of me, after calling with my bf today I felt like I really did love him. You may be right, it's just me being numb. Coincidentally my physical was due today so I went to doctors and I told about my situation and they just recommended me therapy

Anonymous<3

Date posted: 2y

@Angela_89 Yess do therapy! I do erp and regular talk therapy and it does help:)

Anonymous<3

Date posted: 2y

@Angela_89 How long have you been going through this? I’m currently on month 6

Angela_89

Date posted: 2y

@Yali<3 I have been with my bf for 2 months, but I think my ROCD started to develop after my ex broke up with me 2 years ago, after he broke up with me I was really miserable and felt desperate so I ended up doing "law of attraction/manifesting" so I can "manifest" my ex (you can search it up if u don't know what it is). Worst decision I made, now because I didn't work on myself I kept getting constant thoughts of getting ditched by my ex or cheating on me even though I was trying to visualize us together, which is what u have to do to "manifest" ur ex back. Now everytime I try to think of my new bf being there physically with me, the thoughts comes up and it just limits how much love I can feel. Then that leads to thoughts of "what if I don't love him" "I think I should break up" "I'm just in denial". Yeah it's a real mess I gotten myself into. since I'm not obsessing over my thoughts right now, I am more confident that it's ROCD.

Anonymous<3

Date posted: 2y

@Angela_89 Iv had a bad breakup which let me to a dark place because he was unfaithful. Seems like we were both in a situation where we felt abandoned and our bodies and brain is trying to protect us from going through that again. Maybe sabotaging on how we feel in our relationship. I don’t know how true this could be but it’s something my regular talk therapist told me and it made sense. And for us who have ocd we spiral and it’s horrible

Angela_89

Date posted: 2y

@Yali<3 Yeah... Now I'm afraid what is going on with my boyfriend, he won't tell me because he knows I have a lot going on in my head right now and he said he doesn't want to hurt me. He said he was being honest when he said that it isn't about breaking up. I think we may be on the verge of breaking up. He has been acting distant ever since I said "my love and feelings for you are drifting away", I reassured him that it was my thoughts getting me again. He said he needed a break and right now he is taking one. I still love him and I hope he still loves me.

Anonymous<3

Date posted: 2y

@Angela_89 I hope everything turns out okay. I’m so sorry your going through this. During this time your head its gonna be telling you a million things but remember that it doesn’t mean it’s true. Keep going your stronger than you think!

Angela_89

Date posted: 2y

@Yali<3 Yeah, but now.. I'm starting to have a feeling of missing him..? Well whatever reason he may have for distancing, I'm sure I'll be okay. I trust when he said it isn't about breaking up. Btw how old are you?

Anonymous<3

Date posted: 2y

@Angela_89 You miss him! It’s just ocd making you think otherwise. Honestly I never told my partner about my relationship ocd. No one actually and I feel like it helped me. I just told him I had stuff going on in my head that I couldn’t understand and that I didn’t want to talk about it and he understood. I got into therapy and it helped. I’m 23 how about yourself?

Angela_89

Date posted: 2y

@Yali<3 Oh, I'm 17. Yeah I'm dealing with it at a young age and it sucks. I feel like I'm becoming myself again and I'm starting to realize about "my feelings and love for you are drifting away" was just ROCD. It seems my body doesn't want to feel intimate with him because it triggers the intrusive thoughts :(

Anonymous<3

Date posted: 2y

@Angela_89 Yes being intimate is the hardest part but it gets a lot easier. Give yourself time and don’t rush into it.

Angela_89

Date posted: 2y

@Yali<3 He still hasn't talked to me, it's been about 2 days:(. I feel like my ROCD has pushed him away, he said he is being honest that it isn't about breaking up and doesn't want to hurt me and can only tell the truth when I have enough "brain power". It kills me that he isn't telling me what's going on :(

Anonymous<3

Date posted: 2y

@Angela_89 I’m sorry:/ Iv been there too. It’s so hard to be positive and it’s like every bad outcome comes through our head. I don’t want to give you reassurance but I say just give him his time. He might be trying to process things. I really do hope things work out

Angela_89

Date posted: 2y

@Yali<3 I think he is ghosting me at this point. Idk what to do :(

Angela_89

Date posted: 2y

@Yali<3 Updating this, he wasn't ghosting me, he needed time for himself. Yes I was the factor of stressing him but there were other things going on in his life and I wasn't making it any better. I said sorry that it wasn't my intention to do that and I should have managed my thoughts better. He forgives me but he said he is probably going to come back in a week.

Anonymous<3

Date posted: 2y

@Angela_89 I’m glad it turned out better than you expected! See I have the same problem I start ruminating every possible negative outcome. And sometimes I feel like I make up stuff in my head. The mind is so powerful but we can’t let it control us. We need to be patient with our crazy thoughts and not take them any further because that’s when they become a problem in real life

Angela_89

Date posted: 2y

@Yali<3 I'm not sure what's going on now, my birthday has passed and he didn't even say happy birthday to me :(

Mariabae

Date posted: 14w

i feel so strange

hi! I broke a short period of doing well without compulsions because I got triggered again. Before this, I had about two calmer days where I didn’t spiral so much, but now everything feels worse. I’m scared that I don’t love my boyfriend as much as I used to, or that this relationship is making me feel stuck or sad. He’s a wonderful person, and I hate thinking this way. I smelled a perfume that used to make me feel calm and in love, and now it just makes me question everything. I spent hours last night searching Reddit, especially on r/ROCD, trying to see if someone is like me or if anyone has answers. I keep rereading posts, hoping I’ll feel certain about what I should do. But I just feel more confused. I keep thinking, “What if I heal and then realize I don’t love him?” or “What if I’m only staying because I feel safe with him or I’m used to him?” I feel numb sometimes, or like I’m pretending, and I hate it. I want to feel love and clarity again. I don’t know what’s real or what’s ROCD anymore. I just feel lost and afraid. I talk to hi. now and i feel so strange like i dont want to force myself i want to like him i dont understand what i feel i feel so weird in my chest

Mariabae

Date posted: 13w

panic. scared. it feels real

Right now I feel like I’ve realized something awful. Like maybe… I never truly loved my boyfriend. Maybe in the beginning I was just excited to be in a relationship. Maybe I confused that excitement with real love. And when the intrusive thoughts started, maybe it wasn’t ROCD — maybe it was the truth hitting me. I write this and it feels real. That’s the scariest part. It feels calm and clear and like maybe I’ve just been lying to myself all along, holding on because I “should,” not because I truly want to. I can’t remember how it felt to love him — and that makes it worse. I feel so disconnected, so numb, like nothing makes sense anymore. Every time I try to feel something for him, it feels like I’m faking it. Like I’m playing a role, not being myself. But the thing is… I’m not at peace. If this was really the truth, why does it hurt so much? Why does this “realization” come with panic, guilt, emptiness, and so much fear? I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living like this — doubting myself, my feelings, and my past. I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle I can’t break, and I’m scared I’ll always feel this way. Has anyone ever felt like this before?

Mariabae

Date posted: 10w

ROCD, im scared

I am struggling so much with ROCD symptoms, and lately everything feels more and more real, like I am finally “realizing” that I don’t love my boyfriend anymore. When I think about him, about him speaking kindly to me, or about being with him — I feel no warmth inside me, no happiness, no calm. This makes me panic, and I start thinking that maybe this is the truth, that I don’t love him anymore or never did. It feels like my mind is connecting everything to “prove” I don’t love him — I even struggle now to remember good moments with him or any time when I felt love. When I am in his arms, instead of comfort, I feel anxious and disconnected. When he says sexual things, I feel disgust or nothing. I also had a really hard moment with my mom yesterday — I told her I don’t feel love anymore, and she told me that I am lying to myself, that I am hurting both him and myself. I keep hearing her words in my mind now. On top of this, someone on NOCD told me to focus on traits I admire about him, but when I try, nothing comes to mind and this scares me even more — like maybe I never truly loved him, I just liked the idea of having a boyfriend. I know I have read a lot about ROCD, I know about ERP, I know I should “let the feelings be there” and not fight them. But even though I know this, I feel so stuck, hopeless, and burned out. The thoughts feel so real now — like I have a gut feeling that I don’t love him anymore, that I’ve changed, and I’m just forcing myself. I am also afraid that deep down, maybe I don’t want to love him anymore, I just want to feel “normal” again — and this terrifies me. Lately I feel like everything feels more and more real — like the thoughts and this horrible feeling are the truth that I was denying all along. Now I feel almost numb, like I have accepted this horrible idea and I can’t connect to my emotions any I feel desperate. I don’t know what is real anymore. Please, if anyone can relate or give some guidance, I would be very grateful. 💔 (edited)

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