Help

I'm fucking up my entire relationship. I feel like i don't give a fuck what happens and it's messing me up. I told him I expect him to break up with me. I feel like I'm using everything in my fucked up head as just an excuse. He deserves better. All this is making me this is how can I possibly call this love? You don't do this shit to someone you love. I want to love him so bad, and saying just that makes me think I don't and never have. I think I've never felt it but I swear I know it but how could I possibly know it and not think I feel it?

Relationship OCD

AshleyAlum

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

UGG I feel like I could’ve written this a couple years ago. I don’t know if this is universally true, but I feel like relationship OCD is talked about less than other subtypes. I struggled A LOT in my relationship before I got diagnosed. I don’t know your specific symptoms, but I asked my boyfriend at the time for hours of reassurance and it only made everything more tense. We definitely loved each other, but OCD really messed us up. I hope you can learn to be more kind with yourself. ❤️ Love itself is not enough to overcome being in a relationship with legitimate OCD. There are whole support groups for partners of people with OCD. I can’t tell you if you feel the love, but it sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of doubt. That’s pretty typical with OCD. When I was dealing with it, I doubted the integrity of the relationship, I doubted my partner, and I doubted if I was good enough to be in the relationship. The fact that all of this is weighing so heavy on you probably means that you’re not happy with how it’s going, which means you’re trying you’re best. Talking to a therapist would certainly help untangle what parts of this relationship are being affected by OCD. Regardless of that, it sounds to me like you’re trying your best. Try to be kind to yourself ❤️

Sero82

Date posted: 2y

Thank you for the advice. It's just been so incredibly difficult. Our relationship has been a few years long and by now I'd thought I'd be able to call it love and express that, but I'm always so hesitant and doubtful. I experience many symptoms like checking my feelings, critiques of my partner and comparisons to see my feelings, doubts on our relationship, doubts of his feelings, etc. It just makes me panic so much when I think I don't love him because I don't want to let him go, I just don't understand why my effort is so pitiful. I also struggle with depression and sometimes it just feels like the person who's me is checked out and letting everything happen without regard for consequences. It's a constant struggle feeling emotionless all the time and then the strongest feelings surrounding your relationship being the intensity of the anxiety and panic you feel with ROCD.

AshleyAlum

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Sero82 Wow, that sounds so hard. I did not have a depression element in my situation and you articulated well how that makes things that much harder. I can say that it sounds like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to feel a certain way. Love is not a defined thing - it’s a (kind of crude) summary of a lot of complicated emotions and thoughts. It makes sense that you’re having a hard time getting to that stereotypical elated “love” feeling considering all the mental health issues you’re struggling with. However, the intensity of you not wanting to leave your partner certainly sounds like you care for him a lot. Is there a way you can take the pressure off yourself to feel a certain way? Is there a way you can define what love means to you? If you ask me, love doesn’t necessarily mean absence of anxiety.

Sero82

Date posted: 2y

@AshleyAlum I agree love does not mean absence of anxiety, it just feels like that's a barrier that is there. Additionally, we face obstacles apart from these issues yet those external problems are also amplified by my mental health issues. We're long distance, faced with a lot of familiar pressure, and rarely get to see each other. I feel oftentimes my anxiety and panic comes at the thought that my boyfriend is putting a lot more effort into our relationship and me in comparison to how much effort I put into him and the relationship. These problems are a conglomerate of so many elements from appeasing to family to staying where I'm comfortable, yet my comfort is at the expense of my boyfriend. Mix in anxiety, depression, and ocd and it's a perfect mess.

Sero82

Date posted: 2y

@AshleyAlum Familial*

AshleyAlum

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Sero82 WOW. That is a LOT. I think anyone would be stressed and tired under your circumstances. There may be nothing you can do to mitigate that. I’ve learned that when I’m in a tough situation, there may be no right choice. I just have to accept the consequences of however I move forward. Sometimes I don’t even know what those are until I get there. There is no right answer here, but I wish you luck and happiness.

Mariabae

Date posted: 25w

i feel so bad

I feel so lost. My boyfriend tries so hard to help me, but nothing seems to work. Every time he reassures me, my mind finds another doubt. He asks me, “So you’ve been questioning if you love me for almost 2 years?” and instead of feeling comforted, my mind jumps to “Maybe I just can’t accept that I don’t love him.” I keep telling him every thought that comes to my mind, hoping for relief, but it never lasts. I feel anxious, disconnected, and stuck in this endless cycle. He tells me that if I truly didn’t love him, I wouldn’t care so much about these thoughts. But still, my brain won’t stop questioning everything. I don’t understand why I feel this way. Why does it feel like I’m forcing something? Why do I feel like I can’t just know how I feel? I want to feel okay. I want to be present with him without analyzing every moment. But no matter what I do, my mind keeps telling me “What if you don’t love him?” I feel like I’m stuck between wanting clarity and being terrified of what that clarity might mean. It feels so real, and I hate it. I don’t know what to do.

Mariabae

Date posted: 20w

someone respond

My boyfriend just poured his heart out to me. He told me how much pain he’s in — how disconnected he feels from me, how hurt he is that we’re not intimate, that I don’t react to his love, that we don’t feel like a couple anymore. He said things that should’ve broken my heart… but I felt nothing. Nothing. And now I’m terrified. Not just scared — destroyed by the thought that maybe I really don’t love him, and I’ve just been lying to myself this entire time. I keep thinking: “If I loved him, wouldn’t I feel something?” “Why didn’t I cry? Why didn’t I reach for him? Why didn’t I say ‘I’m sorry’?” “What kind of person listens to someone they care about and feels absolutely nothing?” I feel like I’ve been fighting this for so long — like I’ve spent months, maybe even years, battling the same thoughts over and over again: “You don’t love him.” “You’re just used to him.” “You want to want him — but you don’t.” And what makes it worse is that everyone around me says the same thing: “Maybe you’re forcing it.” “You can’t control how you feel.” “If you’re this confused, that means something.” But what no one seems to understand is that I’ve tried so hard. I didn’t want this. I didn’t choose to become cold. I didn’t choose to stop feeling things. I didn’t want to lose my ability to love — or to connect — or to just exist next to him without questioning every single breath I take. I feel like I’ve become someone else. Someone who doesn’t react. Someone who doesn’t smile when he’s kind. Someone who doesn’t feel warmth when he says “I love you.” But this isn’t who I was. There was a time when I loved hearing his voice. When I looked forward to seeing him. When I felt. And now… nothing. Just this endless cycle of doubt, guilt, numbness, fear, and the horrible thought: “If it feels this real, maybe it is.” I don’t know what this is anymore. I feel like I’m hurting him. And I feel like I’m losing myself, too. And the most terrifying part? I don’t feel anything about that either. But if I truly didn’t care — why does this hurt so much? If anyone else has ever felt like this… please, please tell me I’m not alone. I don’t want this to be the truth. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living like this.

Mariabae

Date posted: 16w

im scared

my thoughts are screaming at me telling me that i dont want my relationship anymore and that i realized i lost feelings. i have a beautiful relationship of two years with a beautiful boy that loves me dearly and i deal with this thoughs for a year and a half. Im so scared it feels so real im scared i have changed and my last therapy session made it worse she basically told me i have to realise the thoughts are true and stop lying to myself. And made me think i am so scared and heartbroken bc i put high expectations on myslef to be with my boyfriend for all my life. Maybe i dont want to hurt him??? im always questioning my feelings for him 24/7 for over a year. I wm tierd

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Help

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community