disappointed in myself

i relapsed bad yesterday. i went to a restaurant with my family and the anxiety from seeing so many people had me compulsing the entire time. i went numb. i was still compulsing, mentally playing out sexual encounters and testing my reactions, but i couldn’t really focus because of the distractions and the blanket over my emotions made me unable to decipher anything. at one point i left to the bathroom and kept asking myself: “have i realized that i’m gay?” over and over again, and kept saying, “i don’t know” over and over again. when we left, my mom was so upset because she knew what i was doing. i’ve been in therapy over a month now and we both know that i keep making myself worse by trying to figure this out. but the entire time she was yelling at me, i still kept debating my sexuality. i couldn’t stop. i kept thinking if i should come out to her, and then wondering why i felt nothing at the idea. just numb. and then i went home and did compulsive researching until 4 am. i felt no distress for any of it. i just kept mindlessly reading and reading old articles and reddit forums and looking into purposefully triggering material to see if i could glean new information out of them. i couldn’t. even now i keep trying to ritualize to see, but i cant gauge anything through the emotional numbness. i’m making myself worse. i know i am. i’m like an addict with this question. i can’t handle any uncertainty one way or the other. i have to find out if i like men, and if i don’t, if i like women. i don’t know the answer to either of those anymore. i feel farther and farther from myself. nothing makes sense anymore. the girl i was a few years ago feels completely distant from me. i know what i should do. i know i have to embrace uncertainty, but i can’t. i just cant. i’m afraid of what more i’ll have to lose before it sinks in.

Sexual Orientation OCD

TnotesTommy

Date posted: 3y

it certainly sucks and we have to stay together in the OCD a community. it’s like two minds. it’s awful. hang in there

ocdgirl123

Date posted: 3y

@TnotesTommy it is like having two minds. on one hand, i know i have ocd. i know the obsessive thoughts aren’t normal. i know it isn’t normal to wake up obsessing, go to sleep obsessing, and then dream about my obsession. on the other, i feel so compelled to figure this out. this theme isn’t like harm ocd or pocd in that it’s morally repugnant. if i were gay, id be gay. but the frustration is: why can’t i accept if i am? this is such a debilitating disorder. i honestly feel like i’ve lost my mind and my self to it

Soph

Date posted: 3y

@nonny12 Deffo relate - it’s like I feel like there’s no legit reason why I’m fighting so much against this. I can’t stop testing and imagining sexual situations and I always get a groinal and I can never tell what I truly feel. I’ve lost all insight.

ocdgirl123

Date posted: 3y

@Soph my groinals are so muted now that i can’t even tell if im “enjoying” these thoughts anymore. my answer on what i am changes every five seconds. i truly don’t know what im attracted to anymore. i know i get anxiety at the thought of being with women, but sometimes i get pangs of anxiety when i imagine being with men. i really truly cannot tell

Soph

Date posted: 3y

@nonny12 Me too - we’re not alone. Just stuck down the rabbit hole. The only thing that brings me out is that I’ve recovered from this theme before I relapsed, ocd will never ever provide an answer so why waste your life on it? Easier said than done

ocdgirl123

Date posted: 3y

@Soph definitely. i feel so bad for my therapist because i feel like i come back every week with “i relapsed again” LMAO. but you’re right. i’ve dealt with this subtype before i even knew it was ocd and it faded too when it was replaced by something else. i hope we both overcome this soon!🤍

Vee <3

Date posted: 25w

Heyyyy!

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

Sexual Orientation OCD

g_rangel

Date posted: 24w

spiraling again.

i had recently been triggered to have so-ocd. its been on my mind non-stop. (i am a heterosexual female) and my mind has been all over the place questioning if i have been in denial the entire time. ive always had people tell me they sort of got that vibe it it never really affected me until my own mother had her suspicions. so i would constantly get triggered un public around the same gender, while knowing my true sexuality. ive always been attracted to men but as of recently ive been having super bad anxiety to where i cannot eat or sleep and feel weak all the time. it was like that for a week or so. now im in the calm where i have been trying accept the uncertainty but it still isnt fair as im getting triggered. im a little worried because it feels like i have been lying to my parents the entire time although ive never had the desire to be with the same gender. and i keep getting intrusive thoguhts that make me feel anxious and uncomfortable. its all starting to affect my friendships as im constantly getting triggered with the intrusive thoguhts. i feel a little less anxious compared to how i was a couple days ago. im really scared on why im having these thoughts now when i have been having romantic feelings for a guy the past year or so. ive also been struggling with false attraction and loss attraction to men. it makes me feel uncertain of my life the entire time

Mr. Solo Dolo

Date posted: 19w

Relapse

Hey guys, this last week has been pretty rough for me mentally for some reason. Today in particular I’m having a pretty bad episode. For some reason about 30 minutes ago, I randomly started remembering watching the Step Up movies growing up. I remember seeing Channing Tatum in that movie and think he’s attractive, along with some other men I think. Then I started to wonder if that means that I’m into men, because I somewhat remember getting a negative feeling about it from that young age. I looked up on Google if it’s possible to not realize your gay, and the ai thing said yes and started talking about something called latent homosexuality. It also so said that some people start sleeping with a particular before ever actually discovering their sexuality. This makes me want to take a panted homosexual test, or something. Lately I’ve also been wanting to dive into my past with my therapist to try to see where my “ocd” stems from (if I even have it) or if I’m truly gay and have just be conditioned to be straight. I’ve been spiralling guys and I need was honesty and wisdom. Can anybody help me ?

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