Need some advice. Something happened to me in London a few years ago. I was drinking my sorrows away on a group tour during a pub crawl. I caused so much of a scene my “friend” left me for the night and I woke up in a strange house on the floor of a little girl’s room and a guy was waking me up trying to do things with me. I apparently went into a car with a group of Turkish guys (I’m Turkish so I was probably talking with them). I was so drunk waking up I don’t even remember that part too well. In the living room after everyone woke up the guys wanted to mess with me saying they gang banged me the night before, the guy who tried to get with me is a heroin addict with aids, etc. When I started to cry, one guy said ok that’s enough stop messing with her. I had to have my therapist calm me down from the US. Recently I got an obsession about this night and being on tape secretly. So I googled keywords like Turkish gangbang or Turkish slut with my name in it. I came across a blurry video titled Turkish girl taking a gangbang, and thin figure like me, same hair color but so blurry and I just assume it’s me because of the Turkish description and the year I was in London, even though I’ve seen other videos with similar titles. I usually seek reassurance from others but this time I’m all alone. I have no money to go back to therapy right now and my boyfriend doesn’t understand ocd. I keep having thoughts like omg I’m online I was really gangbanged, there is a video out of me I don’t deserve my boyfriend I’m keeping a horrible secret. It’s a horrible trigger and I feel so alone. Usually my therapist I think would tell me to say there is no evidence this is my ocd, or say some sort of exposure script but it’s so hard to try alone.

It is OCD! It's called false memories OCD! I have it, and I have real event OCD where you obsess over memories or mistakes from past which is extremely painful. It's so frustrating nobody talks about those types of OCD! Just calm down. I know I'm not supposed to give you reassurance but that really sounds to me like they were just joking with you. If that happened few years ago you would definitely found out until now. You need to accept the uncertainty, but my opinion is it was just very insensitive joke.

This is absolutely DISGUSTING! I am fucking appalled that there are people who gang bang and then tape it ! WHAT?!? I want to throw up! ? this says ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about your character and absolutely everything about theirs! They are the scum not you! You deserve everything good in life!

Thank you all for your responses! ❤️ yes it’s disgusting and I couldn’t believe the videos I even came across of people. Deep down I know it was an insensitive joke and I would’ve felt it if I was violated. My therapist talked me through this, but the what if question always pops in my head because I was blacked out from drinking. I wish I had never went checking online because it just made it worse coming across videos and obsessing it could be me.

@venom me looking up the videos in the first place is ocd reassurance seeking. I’m definitely traumatized from the experience but I think the ocd part in all this is when I look at a video I find something that makes me say oh it’s not me, and then my ocd doubt kicks in saying what if it is you? The last thing my therapist said to me about this type of searching is to tell myself I will never find evidence so I should just let it go.

Also I have pure o and real event ocd so I always think my past actions will bring the worst consequences. I was looking up videos in general thinking some ex secretly raped me or something. And being in a relationship I constantly find things to confess to my boyfriend or thinking of a memory that makes me not deserve him. It’s so exhausting.

That’s what CBT and behavior modification would certainly help you coping with the uncertainty nature of your induced OCD

I also have a confession compulsion. I know how you feel because our type of OCD is the least talked about but it is so painful cause it's connected to something that really happened. If you want to talk about all of this just write in this app, I will try to answer you. I know what you're going through and you're definitely not alone, I am with you ❤

I don’t think that’s a type of ocd, but a trauma? Definitely! Cause you’re almost certain it was you based on the timing, location and description and it is devastating not knowing the facts, hope you’ll get pass it

And life’s full of lessons

*taped not raped...sorry for all the comments. I don’t think I fully explained myself in the original post, it is certainly a trauma but it’s ocd mixed into it. I have the urge to check the video and other videos multiple times, and I get relief after convincing myself it’s not me, only to have the urge to check again not too long after. For the past few weeks I haven’t checked and that’s what’s making my anxiety go up because I’m not getting the reassurance I need.

You’re right, but I’m unemployed and broke at the moment, and feel bad messaging my on and off ocd therapist of 10 years every trigger I have when I’m not paying her (she messages what she can but I can tell when I’ve gone overboard with her) . When I do get a job I’m terrified I won’t be able to function or sleep properly because of untreated ocd relapses and being off my meds (no insurance anymore). This group is all I seem to have at the moment.

Yıllar geçmis ama yine de yazayım dedim ben de türküm ama ingilizcem yetmedi okumaya :d