Autopilot gone

Now that I'm recovering from ocd I just realized that I haven't allowed myself to be on autopilot at any moment anymore. Like before developing pocd, I used to do things on autopilot like chores and what not. Just now I'm allowing myself to be in the moment again instead of thinking of what I'm about to do which has allowed me to be more functional with my tasks. And I realize that's something I'm just regaining and how sad that is that every waking moment has been spent on thinking I could do something horrible at any moment so I have to be extra aware and think a lot to make sure that doesnt happen when that's not the case. It's the overthinking and the fear that's getting in the way of me letting all of this go. And it's my problem with this fear that is causing all my problems.

POCD

Username: AshleyAlumAshleyAlum

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

Yes! This! 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼 I’ve found that letting go of anxiety and compulsions is scary in itself. It felt to me like straying off a known path into the wild. I feel like a big part of my recovery is not just learning how to manage OCD, but learning how to function in my new life without it. I also experienced mourning all the lost time as well. For me it was direct lost time spent worrying and performing compulsions, but also the time I lost getting to know my “real“ self without the OCD. But it sounds like you are on your way! The first few steps are probably the scariest but you can do it! Living with OCD is so much harder than living without it.

Username: lostsoullostsoul

Date posted: 2y ago

Yeah I guess overthinking and needing to be extra "aware" is a compulsion that isn't benefiting me. And yeah I agree it's been a lot of wasted time facilitating my own pain in a way. I am my biggest enemy and that needs to change. Thanks for your support.

Username: lostsoullostsoul

Date posted: 2y ago

Yeah that's exactly it. I think about it a lot that I'm constantly grieving everything I've lost but the only way forward is to move on and try to build a new life without ocd. Thank you for your support!

Username: KillianKillian

User type: NOCD Alumni

Date posted: 2y ago

Oh my gosh, I resonate with this so much. It’s amazing what ERP helped me with by virtue of treating my OCD. I had a moment a couple of weeks ago where I made my bed (seems like such a little thing, I know!) and I almost cried because I realized how I didn’t used to be able to do that because of my contamination OCD (worried about where pillows could touch while I was changing the sheets, etc.) I think that part of recovery is a process of grief, feeling sadness for versions of our selves that were overpowered by OCD, just like you described. I hope you can continue to move through that grief and also feel joy and relief at all the things you can do now that you couldn’t before. We deserve to feel present and like agents in our own lives. You got this. I’m sending you strength and care to keep going 💜

Username: rg17

Date posted: 2y ago

grieving time lost to OCD

I consider myself recovered from OCD. i still have intrusive thoughts but they no longer upset me. some days i really dont even remeber if i had any thoughts. I am so thankful to be better because it was SO bad at one point. However lately i have been grieving the 2.5 years of my life that i lost to constant intrusive thoughts and compulsions. It makes me so sad that i wasted so much time stuck in my own mind. does anyone else ever feel this way?

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

Been a rough one

It feels like the ocd has gotten to a point where it's just there in the background at all times. Even if im not having some POCD related thought it's like it's just taken away a part of me I feel i can't get back. I still go through the motions and try to joke around and be silly like i would normally. But its just hard to always feel this anxiety and uncertainty in the background. Sure, i can handle it. But what is that worth when you're just handling a slow persistent torture. Everywhere i go it's like i can't connect, seeing others happy and seemingly carefree makes me feel like an alien. Every morning for 8 months the OCD pops in within the first minute of the day. Doesn't have to even be a thought around POCD, though it usually is. Its just the general thought that i have this thing that i can't seem to get rid of and its making me a lesser version of myself. And on top of it all, i can't truly know if its OCD. Since its more "Pure-O" it feels hard to relate to others and their experiences with OCD. Just such a damn mess. This has happened before with other themes but this POCD thing feels like a demon on steroids.

Username: Kat25

Date posted: 1y ago

Ocd

So I know my ocd and intrusive thoughts are in a hiccup stage because of my pms and period coming but like I just can’t help but go well what if it’s not what if it’s back what if I’m out of recovery and then I get a thought and like it’s not causing as much anxiety it’s just like I’m like omg no I don’t want to think this is something wrong with me but Ik it’s all just ocd I just wanna feel as carefree as I did a week or so ago

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