- Date posted
- 2y
Always feel like my partner will leave or cheat
And advice/coping when stuck in this need to know?
And advice/coping when stuck in this need to know?
Oh i know how you feel. But i also know that you can stop feeling that way. The way it works is that you stop all mental and physical compulsions to get reassurance. And give your partner all the freedom he/she needs. You will start to have positive experiences then, which rewire your brain and which make that your brain learns that you don't have to be afraid. What are your compulsions?
@Mau NL Asking who they are talking to/have talked to. Do you love me? Are we/you ok? Are you mad? Why do you have female friends?
Ah yes I can relate. It may sound counter intuitive, but if you stop asking those questions, after a while you will feel such freedom yourself. And your partner will actually move more towards. You might want to try it :-)
@Mau NL Thank you I’m gonna try it and fight hard against asking the insecure questions I’m constantly fixating on. It’s hard because it’s it all I think about. Be it coming from past hurt or some current hurt it’s still there you know?
@Mau NL And trust is a big part of it. Not trusting and all. Did you go through that too?
@lisalove912 The mother of my kids fell in love with her boss (10 years ago now), had an affaire with him the last 4 months of our marriage and left me (she is still with him). I can imagine your hurt and the trust issues first hand. And i also know how that interferes in your new relationships. But... ...i now know that my ocd was already a significant issue when i met the mother of my kids (i was 17, and we have been together 18 years). I have had compulsions all my adult life (not knowing that until i was 43, and i am 45 now). ...and... ...i now know that is were the compulsions that fed into my distrust, creating distance with my partners in my relationships. I realized that one day, and knew that i had to stop the compulsions. I now have no trust issues anymore. I actually think that i could not mourne for being left because of the compulsions. I think i really have let go now. I am with my current partner for 3 years now, and i have healed within this relationship, r ocd present a lot (and still is actually). But it were the compulsions that made it impossible to trust. Now i trust her and also myself. And she has to go abroad for her work to Denmark, Finland, sweden, the UK quite often. I still do have intrusive images of her cheating or being raped, but it were the compulsions that gave them meaning. Since i stopped the compulsions, it are just thoughts, images and feelings in my body. I found trust underneath those layers. You can do that too!
@lisalove912 I am from the Netherlands by the way.
@lisalove912 Thinking about them is a mental compulsion, which makes that you keep on thinking them. Actually asking them is also part of the rabbit-hole-loop. Stop asking them will increase your fears at first, but you will see that after that, you will think about it less and less, until one day you realize that you feel free(er), more free then you ever did before. You got this!
*you
does anyone have any tips to help with hyper vigilance in a relationship? In my past relationship I got cheated on and it hurt me mentally, and now with my current partner I always have a constant fear that something bad is going to happen even though I trust him a bunch. Like if he brings up another girl and says oh she said this. And I get so triggered by it, how do I stop. Like I trust him 100% but my mind isn’t letting me, and I feel like I always start this and do this to myself. Or if it’s a girl from his past relationship and something gets brought up about it because of me, and he’s tells me it still makes me mad.
Does anyone else unintentionally self sabotage their relationships? I tend to seek so much reassurance that they get sick of me. I only seek reassurance because I get scared that they're going to leave me (have abandonment issues) and then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because I worried so much that it ends up happening. I get trust issues about my partner cheating because I imagine worst case scenarios all the time and it really strains all of my relationships. Anyone else do this? What have you done to help?
For about a month now I’ve been really obsessed with the idea that my girlfriend has feelings for this guy we know if he has feelings for her. We’ve only known him for about a month and we’re not that close to him. The stuff that makes me worried is completely normal for friends to do or are things that aren’t real. . They respond to each other on group chats . They hangout in groups when I’m not there . She finds him funny and smiles when she’s around him . I just have a bad feeling It’s become such a thing in my mind and it’s deteriorating our relationship. Every time I see him and her talk I feel mad and sick and anxious. And now I’m starting to hate him. I feel like I’m being so unfair because she hasn’t actually done anything, and I keep accusing her and treating her like she has. She says she feels like all I see is the worst in her and like she’s a bad person. I’ve brought this up to her many times and every time she tells me she would never cheat on me and that he’s some random guy and that she doesn’t want him she wants me. I just can’t get the idea out of my head, I can’t stop unconsciously looking for signs of romantic feelings between them. I analyse her body language or how she looks at him, I check if there online at the same time to see if their texting or something. It’s really bad. It’s gotten to the point where it’s not about the idea that they have feeings anymore it’s more just I want to get the idea out my head. I want to stop seeing this. Because she would have said something by now. And I know this is coming from a place of fear and insecurity about myself and the way she feels about me, because he’s no different to any of her other friends I just chose him to be the one I worry about. I want to get past this because our relationship needs to move past this and I want to be able to enjoy the time I spend with my friends instead of relating it to this and the idea of hanging out in this group with her where he is, and if causing instant anxiety. She’s not like this, she’s a good person. It’s not necessarily the idea she’ll actually cheat it’s the idea she’ll develop feeling or he will and will make her catch feelings too. It’s all just a “bad feeling” I have and an obsession with this idea. I can’t stand to be around them in a group cuz all I can see is that “she’s in love with him” or “he would make her or does make her happier”
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