So guys another morning i feel like shit. Rn it has to do with my brother and me in regards to my family. I never wanted to live on dorm. I wanted to save money and was comfortable at home. My parents made me live on dorm and take out loans and now im 60,000 dollars in debt. The only reason i took out the loans was because my dad said hed help pay for them. Which was a lie. On my second year on campus i was very much alone and wanted to come stay home. My ocd was getting really bad at one point. I think that was my first really bad wave of ocd and i dont think the isolation and loneliness helped. Evey weekend i would drag my bag downtown take the subway than take the bus and wait for my parents to pick me up in their car as a single female alone and my dad would ask why i was home. My brother started his freshman year and my parents take turns driving all the way to pick him up. No bus, no train. My dad would tell him to not come home too much but now asks him when he’s coming home next as if he’s excited while i seemed to be a nuisance. My brother will also bring all his laundry and do it at home (when there is a laundry mat on campus) and my parents will get mad at me if im doing laundry the day hes coming back even if i don’t know because it varies. Also the other day my mom went to get food for my brother and not me , my brother got food for just himself, and then i was coming home and my parents got mad at me because they needed to use my car to take him downtown (even though i didnt know because we have 2 cars and no one told me) when i was going to get myself food and my dad started yelling at me for not getting food for my brother. My brother rarely gets food for me unless its leftovers or i beg him but im expected to do it unprompted because im the older sister? I told my dad this and he said wow you’re trying to get revenge on your brother? Like what?!. He will tell me to check in on my brother while me and my brother barely talk and i doubt he checked on me once in college. Which is alright but i hate that I’m expected to do all these things and get shit on and my brother can just be able to do what he wants. I sometimes think about all the pressure my parents put on me and all the expectations they have vs for my brother and sometimes i think it contributed to me breaking down. I don’t want to start resenting my brother because of the pressure my parents keep putting on me and the differences between us but im def starting to resent the hypocrisy with my parents. I know they mean well at times but i know myself in terms of education and how i do well and if they gave me a helping hand instead of push back i think things would be different. Like this time last year i was on my second wave of ocd (the worst one) bought my dad a present for his birthday that i was really excited about and I remember him calling me a loser since i quit another retail job (like 6) since i was really unhappy. Anyways this is kind of a rant. I know im not perfect and my parents get worried but instead of trying to understand and work with me they like turn on me for not doing what they want. Idk where else to put this tbh. African parents btw.
