So guys another morning i feel like shit. Rn it has to do with my brother and me in regards to my family. I never wanted to live on dorm. I wanted to save money and was comfortable at home. My parents made me live on dorm and take out loans and now im 60,000 dollars in debt. The only reason i took out the loans was because my dad said hed help pay for them. Which was a lie. On my second year on campus i was very much alone and wanted to come stay home. My ocd was getting really bad at one point. I think that was my first really bad wave of ocd and i dont think the isolation and loneliness helped. Evey weekend i would drag my bag downtown take the subway than take the bus and wait for my parents to pick me up in their car as a single female alone and my dad would ask why i was home. My brother started his freshman year and my parents take turns driving all the way to pick him up. No bus, no train. My dad would tell him to not come home too much but now asks him when he’s coming home next as if he’s excited while i seemed to be a nuisance. My brother will also bring all his laundry and do it at home (when there is a laundry mat on campus) and my parents will get mad at me if im doing laundry the day hes coming back even if i don’t know because it varies. Also the other day my mom went to get food for my brother and not me , my brother got food for just himself, and then i was coming home and my parents got mad at me because they needed to use my car to take him downtown (even though i didnt know because we have 2 cars and no one told me) when i was going to get myself food and my dad started yelling at me for not getting food for my brother. My brother rarely gets food for me unless its leftovers or i beg him but im expected to do it unprompted because im the older sister? I told my dad this and he said wow you’re trying to get revenge on your brother? Like what?!. He will tell me to check in on my brother while me and my brother barely talk and i doubt he checked on me once in college. Which is alright but i hate that I’m expected to do all these things and get shit on and my brother can just be able to do what he wants. I sometimes think about all the pressure my parents put on me and all the expectations they have vs for my brother and sometimes i think it contributed to me breaking down. I don’t want to start resenting my brother because of the pressure my parents keep putting on me and the differences between us but im def starting to resent the hypocrisy with my parents. I know they mean well at times but i know myself in terms of education and how i do well and if they gave me a helping hand instead of push back i think things would be different. Like this time last year i was on my second wave of ocd (the worst one) bought my dad a present for his birthday that i was really excited about and I remember him calling me a loser since i quit another retail job (like 6) since i was really unhappy. Anyways this is kind of a rant. I know im not perfect and my parents get worried but instead of trying to understand and work with me they like turn on me for not doing what they want. Idk where else to put this tbh. African parents btw.

Okay. So, for those who have seen my previous posts, you are probably well versed in what I have been going through, but I feel like venting again. 😅 So, my brother came home from the hospital (because of SI), and I'm extremely on edge from that. Bro has the F*CKING AUDACITY to mock me when I'm in pain, sigh, cry, or laugh. When he used to do that, he would smack/punch/kick/etc. me, and I got in trouble with DCFS for hitting back (1 1/2 years ago), so now I can't have kids until I'm 21 (I'll be 18 in 9 days), otherwise, they'll be taken away. I cannot laugh, joke (I'm the queen of dad jokes), cry, TALK in a silly voice, sing (my main stress relief, even if it's excruciating), or anything along the lines of expressing myself without him becoming "triggered" because it's a "boundary." I AIN'T DOING SH*T TO HIM. I MOSTLY STAY AWAY FROM HIM AND GET SNAPPED AT FOR TALKING TO >OUR< PARENTS. I don't want to go home at the end of the day, to be honest. I'm soo f*cking DONE with all this BULLSH*T!!! I overheard my dad telling my mom that he thinks my brother and I are just "faking" and "attention seeking." HOW THE F*CK DO YOU FAKE A SEIZURE??? OR MY LEG RANDOMLY CONVULSING. I DON'T F*CKING WANT BRUISES EVERYWHERE! I DON'T WANT TO FALL DOWN THE F*CKING >>STAIRS<<!!!! So then my OCD goes into overdrive, telling me that I'm not in pain, that I am faking everything, that there is nothing wrong with me, and to stop lying. That the memories of falling down the stairs are just fake and lies, even though I have the bruises to prove it. I don't get dizzy, I don't stumble, and I don't see stars when I CLEARLY AM. I'm so TIRED. My anxiety is going INSANE, so of course my BPD mood swings have to as well, so that's just f*cking PERFECT!! Absof*ckinglutely PERFECT. I'm tired of my body not working properly, I HATE my body. I HATE my personality because of how insanely unpredictable it causes me to be. I HATE how helpless I feel. I just want to make my family happy. I want them to love me. I don't want to be a burden anymore. 💔😢

This isn’t OCD related so I’m sorry, but I don’t know another platform like this where I can talk to other people and actually get responses. OCD has been a huge fucking setback for me in life. I had to drop classes, wasn’t able to do things, and just felt so shitty all the time because of it. I feel like I blame OCD for everything I’m not. I constantly feel like I’m not good enough. Just today I saw someone I once knew and felt all of those feelings I used to have that made me miserable. Anyways, I tried taking my driver’s test a couple days ago but I wasn’t able to. The DMV only accepted cash. I felt upset but it was whatever. I’m almost 19, and I don’t have a driver’s license. So passing it would mean a lot to me. I compare myself to others my age; they have cars, hobbies, friends, go to college, etc… I don’t have any of that. Maybe comparing myself and all of that is my fault. My family says it’s my fault I’m sad because I just wallow in it. Hearing them say that makes me frustrated and hurt, but maybe they’re right. My mom texted a couple of my siblings in a group chat I wasn’t a part of, “He wants to wallow and be depressed. And woe is me, wah wah wah.” That made me really angry because my siblings were agreeing with her. Maybe they are right. Maybe I am selfish and think the world revolves around me. My sister tells me I need to advocate for myself more, I just don’t want to be a burden. I’ve only been a burden my whole life. My OCD created this whole issue in my family and I hate that. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want an answer. Am I really a loser? Do I really wallow in it? Am I not trying like my family says? I just want to talk to someone.

Having ocd is so incredibly exhausting and depressing- my mom and dad argued with me for over an hour talking about how im a pain to be around, go in too many loops, and ruin everything and everyones mood… this conversation started with me saying im stressed out because of school and that i dont want to go because im exhausted- and idk if this is like ocd directly but it takes me like 2 hours to get ready in the morning because i need to look PERFECT and the same everyday literally 😭 and that process feels so exhausting every morning at 6am but i will NOT go to school without going through with it- i will literally be crying and shaking and wanting to go home the minute i get to school if even a single strand of my hair is not perfectly straightened or any blemishes or flaws are showing- and i cant even walk to school or anything bc im scared the humidity will mess with my hair and everything- and it just really affects my life? And yeah its freaking exhausting. And i have two more years of highschool and I dont know if im going to make it 😭i get super stressed over grades too because i need them to be extraordinary otherwise its a fail. Nothing below 95%. And thats also tiring! 😁 and my mom told me today “medication IS NOTTTT AND OPTION!!!” Like oh okay so im just cooked 😭 and therapy isnt really helping me at all- i feel like what im being told is so basic and generic and it doesn’t help me when im in a huge ocd episode- which is often… and what i hate most is like my mom says “don’t come to me with your problems after 6pm…” im sorry i cant schedule my feelings 😭 im so tired