So guys another morning i feel like shit. Rn it has to do with my brother and me in regards to my family. I never wanted to live on dorm. I wanted to save money and was comfortable at home. My parents made me live on dorm and take out loans and now im 60,000 dollars in debt. The only reason i took out the loans was because my dad said hed help pay for them. Which was a lie. On my second year on campus i was very much alone and wanted to come stay home. My ocd was getting really bad at one point. I think that was my first really bad wave of ocd and i dont think the isolation and loneliness helped. Evey weekend i would drag my bag downtown take the subway than take the bus and wait for my parents to pick me up in their car as a single female alone and my dad would ask why i was home. My brother started his freshman year and my parents take turns driving all the way to pick him up. No bus, no train. My dad would tell him to not come home too much but now asks him when he’s coming home next as if he’s excited while i seemed to be a nuisance. My brother will also bring all his laundry and do it at home (when there is a laundry mat on campus) and my parents will get mad at me if im doing laundry the day hes coming back even if i don’t know because it varies. Also the other day my mom went to get food for my brother and not me , my brother got food for just himself, and then i was coming home and my parents got mad at me because they needed to use my car to take him downtown (even though i didnt know because we have 2 cars and no one told me) when i was going to get myself food and my dad started yelling at me for not getting food for my brother. My brother rarely gets food for me unless its leftovers or i beg him but im expected to do it unprompted because im the older sister? I told my dad this and he said wow you’re trying to get revenge on your brother? Like what?!. He will tell me to check in on my brother while me and my brother barely talk and i doubt he checked on me once in college. Which is alright but i hate that I’m expected to do all these things and get shit on and my brother can just be able to do what he wants. I sometimes think about all the pressure my parents put on me and all the expectations they have vs for my brother and sometimes i think it contributed to me breaking down. I don’t want to start resenting my brother because of the pressure my parents keep putting on me and the differences between us but im def starting to resent the hypocrisy with my parents. I know they mean well at times but i know myself in terms of education and how i do well and if they gave me a helping hand instead of push back i think things would be different. Like this time last year i was on my second wave of ocd (the worst one) bought my dad a present for his birthday that i was really excited about and I remember him calling me a loser since i quit another retail job (like 6) since i was really unhappy. Anyways this is kind of a rant. I know im not perfect and my parents get worried but instead of trying to understand and work with me they like turn on me for not doing what they want. Idk where else to put this tbh. African parents btw.

Having ocd is so incredibly exhausting and depressing- my mom and dad argued with me for over an hour talking about how im a pain to be around, go in too many loops, and ruin everything and everyones mood… this conversation started with me saying im stressed out because of school and that i dont want to go because im exhausted- and idk if this is like ocd directly but it takes me like 2 hours to get ready in the morning because i need to look PERFECT and the same everyday literally 😭 and that process feels so exhausting every morning at 6am but i will NOT go to school without going through with it- i will literally be crying and shaking and wanting to go home the minute i get to school if even a single strand of my hair is not perfectly straightened or any blemishes or flaws are showing- and i cant even walk to school or anything bc im scared the humidity will mess with my hair and everything- and it just really affects my life? And yeah its freaking exhausting. And i have two more years of highschool and I dont know if im going to make it 😭i get super stressed over grades too because i need them to be extraordinary otherwise its a fail. Nothing below 95%. And thats also tiring! 😁 and my mom told me today “medication IS NOTTTT AND OPTION!!!” Like oh okay so im just cooked 😭 and therapy isnt really helping me at all- i feel like what im being told is so basic and generic and it doesn’t help me when im in a huge ocd episode- which is often… and what i hate most is like my mom says “don’t come to me with your problems after 6pm…” im sorry i cant schedule my feelings 😭 im so tired

LONG VENT POST: This is my second post of the day. Seriously, I am SO sorry. I have therapy tomorrow, I promise I will shut up after this lmao. Anyway, for Memorial Day weekend, I spent it at my aunt/uncles vacation house. Fortunately it wasn’t a big crowd - just my mom, grandmother, aunt, uncle and I. For context, I come from a pretty big family, and I am the youngest of 7 cousins and a younger sister to two brothers. All my cousins are in their early to mid 20’s, each very successful in school and their careers. My half brother is 29, and absolutely crushing it. My full brother is turning 23, he’s also doing amazing with school. I just turned 20 in April, I feel very lost. I know I want to be a forensic psychiatrist one day, and that I want my PhD. I want to be the best therapist I can be, but the fact that I barely get by with ocd/adhd has been discouraging me, so I currently feel like a flop. Anyway though, spending time with my aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents triggers my ocd the most, as majority of them can be on the judgmental side. ESPECIALLY my aunt, she’s on my moms side, and she and my mom are total opposites. My aunts a very calculated, straightforward, logical, stern, sassy buisnesswoman. She’s successful, but lacks a lot of understanding and can be so cold and just mean. My moms a kindergarten teacher in a struggling community, and she’s always thinking about others before herself, extremely emotional, caring, but neglects her own needs a lot. They’re sisters, and they bump heads a ton. My aunt and all of her kids aren’t neurodivergent. They simply don’t understand mental health. My mom does, thank god. My aunt and uncle think that if a kid is having a psychotic break, then that kid should be kicked out of the house and not helped at all. My mom and I entirely disagree with this idea, and that someone clearly mentally suffering NEEDS mental health help asap, and they need to be home. The streets are the last place someone suffering should be. While we were vacationing at the house, my mom argued about this with my uncle. I was asleep, thank god, but I seriously hate having people in my family like this. I can never tell them about me having ocd, they’ll think it’s just an “excuse” for not getting things done, or just me trying to feel special. The reality is, they don’t get it. My full brother went through the worst psychotic break a few years ago. It lasted two years on and off due to bipolar disorder, but thank god he got himself help and he’s doing absolutely amazing now. He’s frustrated and embarassed with himself but now he’s on track, and as I said, crushing it with school. But the entire time he was going through this, my aunt and uncle just didn’t understand. To keep it short, they thought his mental problems were behavioral, and that he’s a “crazy” kid. The reality is, he was coping with the loss of his childhood best friend and our other uncle who was like a second father figure to us. He had manic episodes from the grief and self medicating with drugs and alcohol. This was all the while Covid was happening and he was a freshman at a college states away. He was so vunerable. I’m saying all this because, well, how am I to seriously be forward about my mental struggles when they couldn’t even show the slightest amount of empathy to my brother, who was struggling, so much more intensely than me? I’m quiet at family gatherings when they’re around for this exact reason. I have so much resentment toward them for it. I try to avoid them when I can, because I love them, I just hate their actions/views. What do you guys do with these kinds of people?

For context, im going to college for 6 years (less than 2 years away to graduate college) to focus on fixing my GPA, volunteering, and MCAT studying... as well as graduating... My parents keep guilt tripping me and asking me questions like "did you know how much we've spent to keep you in college?" And telling me the amount they've spent on my college education... my mom keeps saying that "shes not trying to make me feel guilty, but it's a fact you have to accept..." I know they've spent a lot of money to help me... my mom claims she spent over 70k on me... and I know they're suffering... but them constantly telling me the same thing and saying things like I should drop out to focus on making money to save is honestly degrading my mental health... My mom is the only one who knows the full extent of how extremely horrible my extremely awful and terrible POCD real events when i was either 13 or 14 were... so it feels like im indebted to her for helping me throughout... but her constantly asking me these kinds of questions and then saying "im not trying to make you feel guilty" is counterintuitive... UPDATE: when I called my mom just now... crying about how much I l0athe myself every time she guilt trips me, she kept bringing up her own pain, and that I didnt keep my promises... to the point where I genuinely asked her if I delete myself, will she be happy... she at first compared me to other kids who graduated in four years, then asked if I thought I had suffered more than she has... and if i did, that I should "stop talking to her"... I genuinely cant take this anymore... I cant take this from her anymore... I cant take life anymore... she makes me feel like I shouldn't be here... I genuinely dont want to be here...