Does anyone stop getting anxious about an obsession but it still bothers them on the inside? I feel such a horrible pit in my stomach whenever I try to move on with my life and just try to be happy. Almost like I feel guilty for being happy when I have unresolved obsessions in my head.

Yeah sometimes I get triggered again and have some anxiety but for the most part it’s like a horrible nagging feeling weighing me down. I can’t just let things go and be fine continuing happily like I must worry and fix the issue or get reassurance. I have pure o, real event, false memory ocd so worrying about my past haunting me and finding evidence is a huge issue for me.

I kind of understand what you’re saying, I am not anxious anymore. Sometimes things trigger me tho. I do think that way sometimes because I won’t think about it and then I’ll feel weird because I’m not thinking about it, if that makes since

I wish I could just be the old me, but it just isn’t going to happen and I try to accept it. I used to be soooo happy all the time. It’s sad that I can’t feel that way anymore. I mean I’m happy just not as happy as I used to be and I miss it. It’s confusing going through something like this because I really can’t tell if it’s ocd sometimes. But I know it is. I think ill be alright though! Just have to keep pushing through. I did a lot of reassurance things, like looking stuff up, asking people about it. Things like that because I wanted to find an answer. So I guess it was easier to do ERP for me. I just had to stop getting reassurance.

Yeah being at work definitely helps me, my mind isn’t really on ocd and that helps. I’m really hoping it can all stop!

I have pure o, false memory, real event all linked to moral scrupilosity ocd I think. This means I punish myself (compulsion) just in case I have acted in any way that does/did not meet my moral compass. It has torn me apart but if I didn't have it, I wouldn't have travelled and met my wife.

And the holidays are a killer for me.

Jazz, lots of my worries are about what I may have done when drunk at uni...Unfortunately, that was 20 years ago! I ran away after uni and travelled for 8 years, met my wife and now have two young kids so every cloud...But what a cloud!

So swap your obsession for 'am I responsible for this rape or that unsolved murder?' when drunk and you have mine. Both, I think, come from guilt/shame/going against strict, wholesome rules you were brought up with and OCD punishing you for it. You lose control when heavily drunk and worry that you did something against your sense of self. I can't go with worse case scenario and although you could (for acceptance) e.g. OK, it happened and I either consented but was too pissed or I didn't and I am a victim. Except if you do that or confess (another compulsion) once someone forgives you or tells you it's not a biggie, your OCD will change to suggest you were involved in the vids in some other, malevolent way or there are other/worse vids etc. So you cannot win unless you embrace the uncertainty. You cannot have certainty but you can have confidence. Will suggest a link, thus guy is great:

https://www.ocdbaltimore.com/false-memories-ocd/

You are absolutely right. I hope we can overcome this! When I get relief from a search I just think of another variations of keywords I can search or another search engine I should try. On my other post, I detailed one drunk incident I had in London. I blacked out and woke up to some guy trying to do stuff with me on the floor of a little girl’s room. The group of guys in the house later on were messing with me saying they gang banged me to the point I was crying and one guy said that’s enough messing with her. Instances like this would make anyone upset but it set my ocd off like crazy. Any video with a Turkish girl being gangbanged I think is me. I went through therapy so much to come to the conclusion it was an insensitive joke and nothing happened to me like that but “what if” will always cross my mind. When I came across the porn vid “Turkish whore taking gangbang” it made me think something did happen to me even though it’s blurry. I wish my mind didn’t just think the worst. It seems the more I sit with uncertainty the stronger my compulsion urges become. I hope it simmers down over time. I usually go to my mother for reassurance but this kind of stuff I couldn’t dare go to her. My boyfriend doesn’t understand ocd at all so going to him won’t even give me relief.

It’s hard being unemployed and not being about to distract myself properly. I’m home watching Netflix looking for a job and it’s making me go insane. I go through long periods where my ocd is not there and I’m living life, only to have something trigger in my mind randomly and throwing me completely off course. It’s ruined my life in so many ways.

I went through a binge drinking partying phase starting in college and it led to me drinking just to get rid of my ocd thoughts and depression, which made me do things and black out, all against the way I was raised. So now it’s just me worrying about my past coming to haunt me or being exposed in some way. I also travelled and met my current boyfriend being an expat abroad so I guess everything happens for a reason.

@mattie I had made a post the other day. I was trying to look myself up on porn sites under my name or “Turkish slut” or something along those lines to see if I have ever been secretly recorded by someone or something when I was blacked out. I saw a blurry image on a video of a girl with a thin frame and my hair color titled “Turkish girl ____”...so I automatically was triggered into the what if that’s me and checking multiples times to get relief. Now that I stopped my compulsion, I have the urge to confess to my boyfriend or mom, and feel like a horrible person who is hiding such a dark secret that I’m on some porn site even though it’s an obsession in my head and there’s no proof. When I’m trying to relax or move on with life I think how can I just let that video sit there and I’m over here moving on? What if that’s me? Who knows what else? I’m a horrible person, I don’t deserve my boyfriend, etc. ??

That’s a good article u posted. Thank you ?? it helped me