quick vent

i’ve been struggling a bit these past few days. i’ve been remembering every single time i’ve felt awkward around a group of girls, or my friends, or my family and my ocd keeps telling me that it was because i wasn’t living my “true authentic life” by being out to them. i’ve always been a very shy and reserved person. even my best friend says that i can be closed off and mysterious, but i’m still struggling with this thought that maybe if i came out, i’d blossom. thing is, i know this isn’t true. i feel like, if anything, i’d feel more closed off and uncomfortable knowing that people perceive me as something that feels inherently incongruent to what i know myself to be. i’ve also spiked seeing stuff about comphet. the idea that romantic/sexual feelings can be societally induced is terrifying to me. it doesn’t help that i’ve had some awkward dating experiences (probably because of ocd) that i think my so-ocd feeds on. i’m trying to accustom myself to the idea that i don’t need a clear-cut answer, that i can just be me, but my brain doesn’t accept that. it keeps telling me that i’ll never be able to fall in love unless i know, and i’m TERRIFIED of falling in love with a guy only to know that it was all fake. it makes the idea of dating paralyzing to me. all in all, boo :(

Sexual Orientation OCD

ada110

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I think OCD will attack our characters like this and use it as 'evidence', so everyone's 'evidence' is a bit different and yours is telling you because you've felt less than confident or open at times that that must mean you're denying your sexuality. Whatever evidence it finds it will always try and make THAT the answer. Also, avoid reading up on this stuff or clicking on stuff about sexuality unless you're using it for ERP (down the line as well cos that is scary stuff). Anything else is just a compulsion that will feed the obsession.

ocdgirl123

Date posted: 2y

@ada110 yup😭 my ocd is so weird because, at this point, it’s almost impossible for me to think i’m in denial because after a certain point i was going out of my way to *prove* that i was gay/bi since the doubt wasnt relenting (this was before i was diagnosed or even knew about ocd) but the terms never stuck with me. i’m trying to accept uncertainty and just try to be me but it’s hard :/

ada110

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@nonny12 Totally relate. Sometimes (cos the uncertainty is hard) I've said fine I'm bisexual but that doesn't feel right or my brain goes "that's not fair to the LGBT community cos you'd be an imposter" 🤣. I think the part of our brains where OCD lives just doesn't do logic!

ada110

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@ada110 Also I get stuck on the denial thing a lot. But honestly I guess people who are in denial push it down or try not to think about it whereas we spend literally hours every day shining a big bright light on the question but get nowhere!

ocdgirl123

Date posted: 2y

@ada110 it’s quite literally impossible for us to be in denial because i have a friend who’s told me she doesn’t like to think about her sexuality because of what it might mean whereas i think about it everyday😭😭

Kat1020

Date posted: 2y

@ada110 I have literally had the exact same thought. I’ll think, “fine, I’m bisexual then.” And then I’ll think “but you’re not and you’d be hurting yourself and lying to others by saying so” but I can’t stop the relentless back and forth. It’s exhausting and really makes me hate myself sometimes for even experiencing this because my brain tells me “what straight person questions it like this?”😮‍💨 whew

ada110

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Kat1020 It can be torture and logically seems pointless but so hard to stop 😖 glad to know I'm not alone but sorry to hear you're struggling too.

Mak46

Date posted: 2y

I can completely relate to everything you mentioned. It's so frustrating

ocdgirl123

Date posted: 2y

@Mak46 hopefully we both get through this!

Mak46

Date posted: 2y

@nonny12 Yes I hope so too. It's also super frustrating that I can relate with everything you said and still worry that it's not ocd but instead me being in denial.

Lost in the ...

Date posted: 23w

Lost

I cant afford therapy which is why i’m not diagnosed with ocd. The first time i had heard what ocd was truly abt was 6 years ago when i overthinking my sexual identity and it fit. Additionally, i struggle with debilitating health anxiety and when i was in a rlt i was extremely anxious that i might not love my partner. This is the third year i experience distress around my sexuality but this year it feels real. And it could also explain my rlt anxiety. Comphet is a concept that really scares me. I dont want to be with a girl. I would rather die than discover i was lesbian. I cant accept uncertainty cz i dont want to be homosexual. Chat GPT told me it wasnt ocd + the thoughts dont distress me anymore. I experience 3 intense weeks of anxiety prior to now. Maybe its internalized homophobia. Maybe its comphet. I do find women to be attractive but i dont wanna be with them. Maybe i’m in denial. Idk anything anymore. I’m remembering times where i would find an actress attractive and try to shift my focus towards the man cz it would make me anxious. I’m not well at all.

Sexual Orientation OCD

idkwhatusern...

Date posted: 17w

I’m questioning sexuality even though I’m young

Sort of a rant that probably sounds stupid and I’m kind of seeking reassurance… I’m still a relatively young teenager so I know I’ve got time to work all this out but I’m really confused about my sexuality. (I’m a girl) I’ve never been in a relationship (I don’t know if I want to be which is why I’m writing this) and sometimes I feel like I’ve never really had a crush and I just convinced myself that I did because I wanted to feel normal… but then maybe that’s false memory ocd??? I don’t really want to be in a long term relationship with a guy and idk about girls but idk if that’s just cos of my age??? Some days I hate the idea of ever dating, marrying or doing anything sexual. Other days I wish my mental / physical health was better so I could date someone! Everything I feel goes up and down a lot and idk why!? I have bad sexual intrusive thoughts that make me unsure whether anything that I think is real and my parents recently split up after not getting along for a few years. I don’t know if it’s my age, my ocd, my parents bad relationship, my sexuality (am I attracted to guys, girls? Am I ace!!!!???) Or something else but I have no idea who I am and I KNOW I’m young and have time but some other perspectives might help???? Can I ever be in a relationship if I have ocd like this? Also I’m really struggling not to compulsively seek reassurance and I don’t know who to talk to about all this irl I know I probably shouldn’t share this with random strangers but also idek if I care anymore 😭

Masc4lesb

Date posted: 16w

LESBIAN WITH SO-OCD

hi i’m a lesbian! and i have known im a lesbian for a really long time and i have a sweet girlfriend of 1 year. it all started when i saw this masc lesbian come out as straight, after that i had my guy friend over and he’s a sweet guy and he was flirting with me (he didn’t know i was gay) im not sure but i panicked and my brain froze and i was like “do i like him”, ever since my brain has been over worked 24/7 for 2 months now and it’s spiralling constantly. im trying to control it but all these thoughts are so disgusting and my brain tries to put him and i in scenarios that make me uncomfortable and i feel panic and i hate it. i have always been comfortable being a lesbian and i still am comfortable as a lesbian, but i dislike these thoughts i have about him and men and i want it to be over. i do not want to experiment with men even tho my brain is telling me i do, i find it disgusting and i dread it, i have a sweet girlfriend and i want to be with her forever, i do not imagine anything with any men and i hate these thoughts. im scared of becoming bisexual/straight one day and i hate hearing sexuality is fluid. its a whole mix of comphet and so-ocd

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