I feel so alone…

@Revathi Narayanan Nambiar What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 20... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭  It’s making me feel like I know I’m a P or a chomo when I don't ever want to ever be those things… I perform avoidance compulsions all the time and I don’t want to be anywhere around kids… even accidentally standing next to one makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and anxious… it’s making me feel like that I know I’m what my POCD and real events OCD are telling me even when a former ocd psychiatrist has told me that the real events don’t make me a P or a chomo… In addition it’s making me feel like I’m what my ocd tells me that I am… I didn’t know how horrible the real events were at the time when I was 13… I really didn’t… my POCD and real events OCD keeps calling me a P and a Chomo for what happened when I was 13 when I didn’t know what any of that stuff was… I truly didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t…  It’s making me think I am a rapist because of the real events too… my POCD just keeps telling me that I’m a P or a chomo or in worst case a child r*pist when I don’t ever want to ever be those things in any way 😭😭😭 it’s giving me intrusive thoughts about more details of the real events and this feeling in my head that hurts…  I don’t ever want to ever be a p or a chomo in any way… I don’t ever want to harm anyone, especially children… I don’t ever want to ever be anything my intrusive thoughts tell me I am…  

@Revathi Narayanan Nambiar My real events when I was 13 were extremely horrible… I didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… my mom says to let it go because it’s not serious anymore and that the person is okay. A former OCD therapist says that “Thirteen-year-old children do not have an adult's sexual understanding or responsibility. So, you can see why you didn't realise the horribleness of an event until you matured. So now, in the present, you know yourself to be a good moral person. It allows you to let go of the past.” I don’t know what to do anymore…

@Givenup Just let go and move on

@Revathi Narayanan Nambiar Idk how… the real events were extremely horrible

@Revathi Narayanan Nambiar ??

@Givenup Just leave it

@Revathi Narayanan Nambiar Do you think I’m what my POCD and real events OCD says about me…? 😞😞

@Givenup Nope

@IzzyHCD My real events when I was 13 were extremely horrible…

@Givenup I think latching on to the wording of “extremely horrible” is causing you a lot more distress and rumination. Regardless of what it was, how you feel about it personally, try to replace the words “extremely horrible” something less catastrophic. Thinking, “I care a lot about the well-being of *person your rumination is focusing on*”, “I care about the happiness and well-being of children and others”. Everything will be okay, and this too shall pass.

@IzzyHCD I don’t just hate my life… I despise my life… when you have POCD based on real events that were extremely horrible when you were 13, (currently 21) it really messes with your soul… it makes you think that your a disgusting horrible monster not just because of the intrusive thoughts, but because of real extremely horrible events that happened when you were a child. You hate your life so much so that taking compliments feels like a curse because your OCD brings up the real events in your mind, making you feel like you don’t deserve it. Your ego and self esteem are completely destroyed. Leaving you with nothing but pain and sorrow. You feel… alone… no matter where you go… no matter what you do… all that exists is you and your OCD… when you also have HOCD and POCD real events based on porn too… it makes you wonder if life is actually worth fighting for. That your actually worth it in this world… and feeling alone, especially in a community dedicated to OCD like this, it leaves you broken… I have no one… no one who understands… probably no one who even cares… people who will only tell me to “get better” and just leave me to be alone… I have no one… no one at all… and if I never existed, the world would be better for it…

@IzzyHCD I don’t know anything can be okay

@Givenup I really think you should seek out therapy if you haven’t already. I know it’s scary but it’s helped me soooo much and it’s worth a try isn’t it? We would all miss you if you were gone and we’re all hoping for you to be happy and healthy ❤️

@GRANNY NORMA Did you read my story?

@Givenup Yeah

@GRANNY NORMA I’m sorry if I sound so pessimistic, and just down… I honestly just don’t know how I can be positive, especially with this POCD and real events OCD story, other incidents based on porn, as well HOCD intrusive thoughts, feelings, and real events…

@GRANNY NORMA Especially since real events are involved… 😞😞😞