ramblings of a schmuck

I’m almost 6 months in since I started ERP therapy. I’ve noticed little changes. I still have a long way to go. I feel myself growing a little impatient because I thought I’d be further and have everything figured out out by now, but this is a process. I’ve talked about my ex a lot on here and to my therapist. We’ve done some ERP procedures. Some have helped and some I’m still working on. I saw someone post something about how you’re attracted to your partner and then sometimes you’re not. I’ve been struggling w/ this for almost 2 years now. (The attraction). When I first met my ex I wasn’t attracted. I thought maybe over time the attraction would grow. We met in late June almost 2 years ago. I’m a little nervous posting what I’m finna post, but maybe someone is going though something similar. My birthday is in August so she had brought me a early birthday gift at the end of July. It was really sweet. She wasn’t able to come in August for my birthday so I went out with my family to a baseball game. I’ve talked to my mom, therapist (at the time), and cousin about what I’m about to say next and they all said, “I didn’t do anything wrong.” But I still believe I did bc I new better and I don’t think it had anything to do w/ ocd. I feel like this was my real feelings. I had a girl on snap I use to talk to about a year prior. I remember thinking I wanna see if she was gonna wish me a happy birthday so I filmed a video of myself drinking beer at a baseball game. I guess I posted it for her, she ended up seeing it, but didn’t text HBD on snap. Immediately I felt guilty and deleted it. But before posting it I thought about it and this next part is so messed up I still feel ashamed to this day but I had a thought that popped saying, “ she’s not that attractive anyways and she didn’t give u a good gift ..so post.” After I had that thought I did. I held onto that thought and felt guilt for an entire year. Now I don’t wanna tell her business on here, but there were things that were happening health wise and someone very close to her passed. It’s almost like I was trying to find the right moment to tell her and everytime I wanted to something happened. And I know that’s not her fault. I felt guilt everyday. I would pray to god saying “I cheated, she’s never gonna forgive me etc.” Everytime I saw her i felt bad and guilty and what’s she was going through. (By the way I told her about the whole snap chat thing minjs the attractive/ gift part) I just feel like there’s some things you shouldn’t say. I felt suicidal and felt this overwhelming anxiety. She told me that she’s been cheated on in the passed and I thought I was another girl who was gonna break her heart. And also if I knew that then why would I do that? So few months go by and I drive there and she drives to my house. She would offer to buy me things , but I felt I didn’t deserve that so I would always tell her, “no that’s okay.” Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore I had to talk to my mom about it. She told me I didn’t do anything wrong. But I’m asking myself why do I feel so guilty. Damn near crying every night . Eventually it went away because of that “reassurance.” And it was more about me posting that pic for that girl to see, not about her weight. So now it’s January of 2024, I felt better bc I explained to my mom about what happened, but now I new theme popped up. One day we were hanging out in her bedroom and I don’t know if I put my hand on her stomach or what , but I felt guilty. Like why would I do that? “Am I trying to make her skinnier?” So now I was stuck on her appearance. I felt like I couldn’t talk to her because instrusive thoughts would pop up here and there I couldn’t joy my time with her. I began to question myself am I in this relationship bc I feel bad what she’s going though health wise or do I really love her? I really do believe I loved her, but I almost can’t remember and my mind twisting everything. And why was my mind so fixated on her weight? It doesn’t matter and it shouldn’t matter. The amount of times I’ve looked up YouTube videos about “does attraction matter in a relationship?” I think you should be attracted , but it’s not everything. It’s about how the person makes you feel. She made me feel good, made me laugh and smile. She was easy to talk to. Idk I’m kinda getting confused with the definition of “Love.” Like what really is it? I thought love was loving someone unconditionally no matter what they look like. I remember being more attracted when she wore her hairstyle one way then another day it would be something different . So is that really love? I hear people say love is a choice all the time. Are you suppose to feel a spark all the time? Or does spark come and go? And I feel like if u didn’t feel attracted to them you wouldnt be intimate. I think my dads side of the family effected me and made me feel less confident and I felt bad bc that rubbed off on her. It’s like I was stressed and nervous what I thought they thought of her when they saw her and I took my anxiety out on her.😞 I tried my best to have a poker face and not let it get to me but it did. I tried to be the strong one for both of us. So sometimes I’m like she deserves someone better who’s proud to be with her. But I feel more confident than I did a year ago. Like if we were to go out, I would hold her hand. Also guys this the first time I came out to my family so it might have been right but everything was new to me. I thought telling her everything would make me feel better and it did, but now these thoughts are coming up again. We aren’t talking anymore. I feel like over time my OCD got worse and this wasn’t when I was diagnosed. I got diagnosed September of 2024. Idk I’ve talked to my mom a lot about this and I’m thankful that I have her. She was saying you were doing the best you could then. I feel like it wasn’t enough and she keeps saying, “you didn’t know what any of this was.” So idk the more I didn’t get help did I just go completely numb? I feel like I’m in denial and maybe I never was attracted. I don’t know I guess I felt like I was lying to her about how I felt. But I really do believe I was in love at one point and it just went away. Part of me questions if I didn’t have OCD would things have played out differently? And why do I find myself missing her more when I’m PMSING and when I’m on my period then when I’m not. It’s like I almost don’t care about her ask much and I don’t like that . I rather feel my emotions than feel numb. I try not to think about the “what ifs,” but I’m scared for the unknown. Like what if she meets someone else? What if I do? I’m almost scared to talk to someone new bc I feel like I’m gonna have negative thoughts about my ex. My mom says I should get back on dating sites to just see how I feel, but I’m not mentally ready for that. I’m the type of person who doesn’t adapt well with change and it takes me a long time to move on from someone. We technically been broken up since end of June. But tried to work things out and middle of January of this year she said she was basically “done for now.” I feel like I wore her out with my OCD and putting a lot of stress on her and she said that she felt like I made her my punching bag. Like that doesn’t make me feel good. I know she was trying her best to understand OCD. If you don’t have it, it’s hard to explain and understand. She’s definitely changed me for the better. 2 years ago i was a mess and completely broken. You can’t just forget about someone who’s helped you and was there for you and didn’t give up. But she got to the point where she told me “how much more can I take?” I didn’t realize she felt that way and I felt so guilty bc I never wanted her to get to that point. I feel like I lost her for good. And I’m not asking you guys to feel sorry for me. I know I could’ve done things better, but I’m trying to better myself now. Maybe one day we’ll find one another again or maybe we won’t. I’ll always love her tho. I guess I’m still having conflicting feelings. She feels like my person. She makes me feel good, she listens, she makes me laugh and she’s brought me closer to god. ✨🤍 I’m tryna stay strong and tryna fight. My cousin said something one time that resonated with me. She said, “my mind is my biggest bully” and its true. I posted yesterday about how I’m lost and feel anger, and confusion. I’m trying to have some faith. Is there any one that related to anything I mentioned or have a verse that helps them try and get through day by day? Also thank you for taking your time to hear me out and read this.

Hello everyone, I'm writing this because I've been struggling heavily for the past two months. I went through a breakup that I won't go into vast detail about. However, it was very abrupt with little "closure" or reasoning. It was simply based off of intuition from the other person, which is completely valid - he also said I didn't do anything wrong. This uncertainty already sounds like an OCD nightmare, which is why I'm sharing my story. There was no incompatibility, unshared values, patterns. Probably just no communication on his end towards when he started having this feeling. I thought this person was MY person, and it certainly was heavily reciprocated and initiated by him. He is also my coworker, and someone I went into a relationship with massive intentions, the slow burn and serendipity of it was special to me. This connection was a safe space and I put all my trust into him, he was my rock romantically and when things were good, he really built that trust up with me and I never wanted to let it go. I also thought I was a good partner, and tried my best. Of course I still had my family/friends, school, apartment life, career. I really felt like everything in my life had lined up and this relationship was the cherry on top for a while. Obviously we both made mistakes and there was ups and downs, but I never once questioned my love for him or thought he might suddenly leave. Which is something that can happen to anyone. After our breakup, I felt completely lost, betrayed, blindsided.....and to make matters worse, I blame myself for everything and my OCD immediately went into max gear. The uncertainty of the entire situation was so scary to me, all I could say or think was that I was scared. And I wasn't ready to face the pain that was about to come, not to mention the OCD already creeping up into full panic mode, especially without a person I considered a huge support system. OCD looks for clarity - not just me as a human looking for clarity. It felt like there was layers and layers of complexity for me that I couldn't face, if that makes sense. Unfortunately, I made a horrible mistake and attempted S. After going through an extremely vulnerable situation at the hospital, I went through inpatient and found it extremely difficult to accept my old life was simply gone, out of thin air. After I came out, I couldn't even be in my own apartment. I didn't feel safe, in a place I worked hard to get and felt "independent" in. Independence was one of my biggest personal values, now I feel anxiously attached. I also didn't feel safe at work, which was once a good distraction for me and something I also worked hard towards, I can't quit. And not to mention, the loss of an important relationship. I sought support from my family, who has been so unbelievably supportive and I also started to try to figure out what I was going to do. It was extremely hard trying to find an Intensive Outpatient Program that would work with my schedule, and also I was set to start my new semester in school again soon. I ended up setting up therapy with NO OCD twice a week. My therapist has been EXTREMELY helpful, and I honestly did not think that finding someone specialized in OCD would be so life changing. Anyway after everything that happened, I'm still struggling with feeling like a BAD person. It's my reoccurring theme. I thought that I was somehow a manipulator because of my attempt. I know I reacted poorly, but I'm also learning to give myself grace for the pure pain anyone would feel and know that it was an isolated incident (never talked about it before, especially not in relationship). I also try to remind myself that my situation is unique and only I know the pain. I also think back again and again, to every little thing I could have done wrong and it hurts me. I think about isolated mistakes or things I said, and think that's the reason why my whole relationship failed. I take the blame for everything. And it all ties back to me being a bad person. It feels like it's never ending. Sometimes I feel good, but it's still really hard to stop the cycle for me. I think about every little thing. I honestly couldn't even slightly comprehend how someone can vastly change their behavior - it felt like he truly died. That person who I got into a relationship, was no longer here. Interpreting his behavior, actions and words has been difficult, not to mention my own - but It's easier for me as I continue to give myself grace knowing that I did what I could within the relationship with the information I had. I also try to remind myself that I took a lot of accountability, and would have listened if things were brought up. The same mistakes I made, were not the same he made - but OCD keeps trying to make me overly reflect on myself only, if that makes sense. Taking OCD away completely - interpreting that is already complex. Adding OCD, it's horrible...my brain keep trying to find certainty in SOMETHING, anything. So little things come to my head, and suddenly I'm a bad person. Suddenly, he's reached happiness and I lost him because....I'm a bad person. Suddenly I was too needy, too much, showed my OCD, and he thought I was a bad person. It's honestly exhausting. I've never hid my OCD, but I did feel like I was actively working on it and also trying to be a good partner, sister, daughter, friend. I was content, and I wasn't expecting this or maybe I would have been more prepared, I've had breakups before with longer relationships. It's hard to know how OCD just came into FULL gear after this hardship, it's hard to know that - although I was working on it - I felt content and wasn't experiencing symptoms regularly. Suddenly, I was in full panic mode all the time. It's made me question my entire reality, I hope this makes sense. I know the levels of this were traumatic, and I am doing A LOT better just two months in. I'm looking forward to more progress and hope that I can accept uncertainty more and more. Regardless of how I felt, he can suddenly leave and without reason. And I'm learning that not everything is my fault, and that I have so many good things in my life I should be grateful for. Although when I came out of the hospital everything was flipped upside down, I still have a job....an apartment and family/friends and school, not to mention the work I need to do on myself and OCD. Maybe one aspect of my life (relationship), is gone - but everything else is still there. It's hard, I've been staying with my mom and this weekend I'm going back to my apartment to face my loneliness. With the help of my therapist, I'm learning to be uncomfortable in my apartment. I think this experience has COMPLETELY broken me as a person, but because of it I was able to face my OCD head on in a way I've NEVER had to do before. I could have probably kept it symptom free for the most part, but this has challenged me in a way I never thought possible - almost as if - I get through this, I might be able to defeat it. And also understand pain on such a deep level, that I can be there for my family, friends, etc in a new way I never thought possible. I probably forgot to include a lot of stuff, but lets just accept that it's extremely complex to explain - and all I know is that I'm not a bad person because OCD says so.....separating the relationship from the attempt. In the relationship, I tried my absolute best and we both made mistakes. In the attempt, I can acknowledge my pain and move forward from it in a non judgmental and graceful way. Even though I delt with extreme guilt for putting my family through something they couldn't understand and guilt for myself and for everyone involved, even though I know it's okay.

(Sorry for the long post!) So one of the OCD things that most affects me at times, and that I have not really found other people dealing with (in literature or in my work as a therapist working with people with OCD), is one that often relates to potential dating and people I am interested in. Typically, as a gay male, I meet people on chat apps or dating sites, so the first interactions are virtual. What I find often happens is that I sort of build an image of the person, and then if anything goes against that, I start to get anxious and the OCD kicks in. An example may work best. I started talking to a guy that I find incredibly attractive, and who seems to find me attractive as well, and when we became friends on instagram, I saw that he has done some amateur modeling for a friend who does pictures in various states of undress. There are a few in underwear, and a few with no clothes (no genitals are shown), and this started off the thoughts of "oh no, he must just want sex" or "I bet he is super promiscuous if he has pictures like these." This leads to me investigating the other photos on the site, and the guy who does the images to try and figure it out, what kind of work it is, etc. I even found a way to work it into a conversation with the guy, like "wow I don't think I could do that. You're braver than me," and he said he did it because the photographer is a husband of a coworker and expressed interest in doing the pictures, and he loves his body so didn't mind doing it, and they are really good friends now. OCD then gets triggered "he loves his body? That must mean he really IS promiscuous. What if he and the men also have threesomes?" This leads to intrusive thoughts of me having to picture this happening,or him having sex with other people, over and over until it "feels right." I'll recheck his dating profiles in which has said that he is "not into fast sex," and then think about and picture scenarios about how that could just mean he wants to talk to someone once before having sex. The OCD also affects conversations--if he doesn't get back to me quickly on WhatsApp, I scour the texts to see if I messed something up (ocd responsibility--it's always my fault). I texted him yesterday, and he hasn't looked at the messages (he has read receipts on WhatsApp), but I check and see that he has liked a post by someone on instagram or has posted a story, so I think "clearly he sees that I've messaged and is purposely ignoring it, because he hates me and wants nothing to do with me. That's it, I'm never going to hear from him again." We were supposed to hang out last week, but he asked to reschedule because he wasn't feeling well, so my OCD then said "he was at an event the night before, he probably met someone and is still at their house." He did text the next day to ask what my schedule was, and then said "perfect. I work in Lisbon until next Thursday" (I'm currently living in Porto, in Portugal, where he also lives), so he seems to be interested in hanging out, but then I think "he probably saw something that I did online or someone we both know in common somehow told him something and now he's done with me. Or maybe he met someone he's more interested in, and will just ignore me now." This type of experience has happened with several guys I've been interested in, and it has actually led to me pushing too hard and making them uncomfortable as I seek certainty, so I'm trying to be aware of that and not engage in that kind of behavior. I also realize that there are like a billion different OCD things in this post, and I'm writing another post as well related to how moral scrupulosity has been controlling my beliefs about sex, etc., something my new therapist identified after one session. Anyway, I just wanted to see if anyone has experienced anything along these lines, because when it happens it takes over and it is painful and I just want to rip it out of my head. Additionally, I never quite know how to manage exposure to this type of thing--there is the logical one of not checking social media, and not texting or re-reading texts, but it's also hard because I will actually force myself at times to think about him having sex with people, and then that makes me feel overwhelmed with anxiety, but I also can't suppress the thoughts, as that doesn't work, and am thus trying to do more of an ACT/acceptance approach. Unfortunately my therapist is out of town this week, so we can't work on anything surrounding this until next week. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I apologize that it is so long, but it is just really sucks right now.