- Date posted
- 6y
- Date posted
- 6y
I suffered from major rocd a few months and I experienced the same things you had and my hocd actually started because my rocd made me think "boys won't like cause I'm too rigid or too ugly, does that mean I will turn gay? " and I've never been in an actual relationship either. That is rocd and no experience has nothing to do with it but ocd uses it againts us
- Date posted
- 6y
like I know that ROCD usually affects people in relationship but could it affect people who have never been in relationships? Like could it stop people from being in a relationship??? Growing up they ALWAYS terrified me and then a year ago I met someone and was like “hey let me give this whole thing a try” and I was so excited and happy around him and I think a little obsessed because he met every expectation on my list and then he broke my heart. I think I was so willing to be with him because he was everything I’ve ever wanted that I was willing to look past all my fears and fight through them even though I was scared. My family would always be like “you’re such a pretty girl why don’t you have a boyfriend?” And the more they asked the more I started to wonder why and I think that stuck with me and then when I went through that traumatic event it all hit me all at once and out my brain through the ringer and now I’m stuck with all thse fucking problems.
- Date posted
- 6y
and the worst part is that I’d be sooo jealous of girls growing up, constantly thinking “they’re so lucky they can date boys and bring them home and be sooo comfortable doing so” like my friends never thought twice about who they dated or fucked, and I’m over here constantly second guessing like “well if I fuck him then he’ll get feelings and if he gets feelings I’ll have to date him but he has a weird thumb nail and I can’t imagine marrying someone with a weird thumb nail “ and then i would turn myself off of them. Every single relationship I almost got in was ruined because of this mindset. Is that ROCD?
Related posts
- Date posted
- 23w
Hey I'm new here... Married for two years, not formally diagnosed with OCD but over 25 years, I've dealt with obsessing over my sexuality, then it has shifted to obsessing over my relationships. In my first marriage, I would notice other attractive men and at one point I started to obsess over one man at my church. Eventually it went away but I divorced for other reasons. Fast forward 15 years. I meet my now-husband, but we break up twice while dating. I was terrified. I have learned I do struggle with fearful/avoidant attachment, but I made it through to get married!! But now, the obsessing over other men is happening again. I work with a lot of men. If I notice one who may be handsome, all of a sudden I feel weird sensations in my body, my mind races, and I fear I want to cheat, or wonder if I'd be happier. It has happened with a guy at my church, several coworkers, my husband's best friend...so I know there's a pattern. But as of late, it has gotten worse with one coworker. I have to see him every day. The thoughts are loud. They feel real, like they're how I feel (I like him, he has nice eyes, I love you). I am a Christian, and when I pray about it, it's almost like something inside me says, 'don't fix this, this isn't OCD, I want this guy' blah blah blah. I feel awful, like a whore, like a cheater, like a double-minded person. And I feel so far away from my husband. I've dealt with feeling the need to confess everything early in our relationship. I've gotten better at not doing that, but I feel like I carry this private pain that no one understands. It really hurts. I guess I just needed to vent and let this out. Sometimes it feels so lonely. I feel crazy. I'm in my 50s, I have a full time job, I take care of my home, yet I feel paralyzed by this sometimes. Thanks for reading.
- Date posted
- 14w
I tried checking if I like gay stuff and it’s genuinely disgusting to me. I can tell whether or not a man is attractive and when they are it does scare me and makes me question myself yet, it’s always the same response, I don’t get how you can do that with another man. Doing anything sexual just feels so gross and wrong. I don’t think that I am magically turning gay. I don’t think my orientation is changing or hasn’t been explored. I simply find that stuff gross. I have never had anything wrong with gay people and I am a true believer that people have choices they can make with free will so it’s not that I’m homophobic, just keep that stuff away from me lol. Saying so, I don’t get why I am getting these thoughts. These images in my head, constant need of checking if I fall in the spectrum, constant checking whether I like someone of any gender, constant checking whether or not I am getting groinal responses. No matter what answer I get, my mind still wants an answer, an answer to the next question that it’ll create after answering the one before it. I have always liked girls and always been so proud of it, I am in a relationship right now with a beautiful girl I’ve had a crush on since 2nd grade. (I am 19) Whatever mental illness I have has ruined our relationship. Everything feels forced on my side, I don’t remember the joy I had before this but I have glimpse throughout the days of the things we’ve done together that makes me happy and look forward to life. I am constantly checking to see if my attraction is still there for her and the scary part is, when I am stuck in my head, I am not but, to alter that, when I get that freedom and feel like my normal self, I get a hyper amount of love for her and it feels so nice. These thoughts all began after me and my girlfriend had an argument, 5 months ago we got in an argument over her not giving me enough space. She always wanted to be a part of a plan with my male friends. I never minded her when it was just us two so it’s not that I hated being with her, it was just that I had no time to be independent. ( I also had no job and nothing going for myself. ) One odd day after spending so much time stuck in the house due to weather, I had random thought on whether or not I truly loved her. We were only 4 months into the relationship so I didn’t have an answer and since it felt like I needed an answer, it became obsessive, I couldn’t stop checking. After hours with that thought, I started to wonder whether or not I was interested in other things like K I D S. This thought was an automatic no and I began to fight it. I wasn’t going to accept that, each day felt like a living hell. The questions would change each day, do I miss my ex, was my ex better, do I like my M O M, do I want to K I L L so and so, do I want to kill myself. One day I woke up and had it all in control, felt like magic, after I watched a video on ROCD and realized, oh, I am not the only one but, this is where my compulsions got even worse. I couldn’t stop checking the internet, seeing if I relate to others, watching more videos. I regret this everyday because this compulsion created so many new thoughts and questions for me to answer. About 2-3 weeks went by and a thought passed by that has been stuck with me since along with other thoughts. I thought back to what I did as kid and in the past. I remembered a traumatic event where my brother touched me (5yr old M) inappropriately. This made me question whether or not I liked it and I couldn’t find an answer, couple years (10yr old M) after that I unfortunately did the same to my cousin (8yr old M). I feel so much shame and guilt for it. My mind turned black and white, “Maybe this isn’t a do you like your girl or not but instead, maybe you just like boys I mean, you obviously never asked yourself if you like what you did so”. This question was terrifying for me because it meant that I could no longer love my girl, my whole life till now has been a lie. So I began to question everything in my past up to date to find an answer. No matter what answer I fed my mind, it would not be satisfied and simply create more questions. It felt like my mind was forcing me to be gay, whether or not I liked it. 4 months has passed and the questions have just gotten worse, something I was initially so afraid of. I am in constant fight or flight mode, I am always anxious and I can’t feel nothing. I get times of relief when I am reminded of my past, when my gf turns me on, or when I find an answer to question my mind conjured up. I started to go to church but it’s always been a struggle for me to believe. I can’t go to the gym anymore because everywhere I look I am questioning myself. My porn addiction has went away but mostly because I can’t find anything attractive anymore. I can only find comfort and discomfort. Something that was once so easy for me would 1 day be nonexistent and hard to live without. I don’t know what the truth is anymore. My life feels like a made-up lie. Though I have always loved women, fantasized about them, get extremely nervous around them, pray for them, romanticize them, etc. I now have no idea what it feels like to be in love, interested, or even happy for a woman. My attraction hasn’t vanished completely, I still can look a girl and be stunned, l simply just can’t destroy the feeling it gives me. I get so anxious and begin to question everything about the women, the feeling, myself. I am having a crisis.
- Date posted
- 13w
Hi everyone, I’m really struggling lately and wanted to ask if anyone relates. I’ve been dealing with relationship OCD and possibly sexuality OCD, and things feel very overwhelming right now. I’m in my last year of university, studying something I don’t care about and never wanted to work in — I’m only finishing it because of pressure from my parents. I feel totally lost about what I want to do with my life, and the pressure to find a job is intense, especially since my girlfriend (we’re long-distance, and she’s also my fiancée) is working and everyone around me seems to have it figured out. Every time I look at jobs or go to interviews, I get hit with anxiety. A huge part of it is fear: “What if I fall for someone at work? What if a guy looks at me and I start questioning my sexuality again? What if I’m not a lesbian at all and I’m just pretending?” I also obsess over my feelings for my girlfriend — “Do I really love her? What if we’re not meant to be? What if I don’t care about her as much as I should?” These thoughts are intrusive and exhausting, but they feel so real. Even during good moments with her, I question everything: “Do I enjoy this? Do I really want this? Why don’t we have as much to talk about?” Then I panic when I don’t feel “enough.” I’ve also started to feel distant, and she’s noticed — she’s mentioned that I’m not as flirty or close as I used to be. That makes me feel even worse. To top it off, I have magical thinking issues — my therapist told me to avoid tarot, numbers, predictions — but recently my best friend joked about reading tarot for my relationship, and that triggered a spiral I haven’t escaped from for days. I’m also judging myself constantly: “Why did I text my best friend before my girlfriend? Does that mean I don’t care anymore?” Even when I do things that feel natural, OCD throws doubt at me. I haven’t been in therapy for a month and I feel like I’m falling apart. I’m trying to live like I don’t have OCD, but it’s so hard. I know some of this is probably OCD… but it feels so real. If anyone can relate or offer some perspective, I would be so grateful.
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