- Username
- trying2
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I suffered from major rocd a few months and I experienced the same things you had and my hocd actually started because my rocd made me think "boys won't like cause I'm too rigid or too ugly, does that mean I will turn gay? " and I've never been in an actual relationship either. That is rocd and no experience has nothing to do with it but ocd uses it againts us
That was me once! It was with my first like intense crush or maybe not I don’t really remember. But it was intense. I liked him sooo much. But then my crush all of the sudden left. But as soon as I thought he liked me and acted too clingy, I started pushing him away. That was around he first time I got my first wave of hocd. It got me wondering if I stopped liking him because I didn’t like guys altogether. I soon realized that was bs, that it was normal for girls to do That. And then I forgot it. Until now, it’s back. I fear I stopped liking him because I was gay all this time
like I know that ROCD usually affects people in relationship but could it affect people who have never been in relationships? Like could it stop people from being in a relationship??? Growing up they ALWAYS terrified me and then a year ago I met someone and was like “hey let me give this whole thing a try” and I was so excited and happy around him and I think a little obsessed because he met every expectation on my list and then he broke my heart. I think I was so willing to be with him because he was everything I’ve ever wanted that I was willing to look past all my fears and fight through them even though I was scared. My family would always be like “you’re such a pretty girl why don’t you have a boyfriend?” And the more they asked the more I started to wonder why and I think that stuck with me and then when I went through that traumatic event it all hit me all at once and out my brain through the ringer and now I’m stuck with all thse fucking problems.
I got those thoughts too once!
and the worst part is that I’d be sooo jealous of girls growing up, constantly thinking “they’re so lucky they can date boys and bring them home and be sooo comfortable doing so” like my friends never thought twice about who they dated or fucked, and I’m over here constantly second guessing like “well if I fuck him then he’ll get feelings and if he gets feelings I’ll have to date him but he has a weird thumb nail and I can’t imagine marrying someone with a weird thumb nail “ and then i would turn myself off of them. Every single relationship I almost got in was ruined because of this mindset. Is that ROCD?
Idk. I don’t think I have it but that experience really just strengthens my hocd
Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).
HOCD, ROCD and TOCD . . . So my OCD recently all began with ROCD, I felt guilty all the time with my boyfriend, I wanted to stay with him so bad and I love him so much but my anxiety kept telling me to leave and that something wasn't right, that I'm going to be alone forever. Then my HOCD came up, "something doesn't seem right, what if you're actually gay?" and I struggled with this for about 2-3 months. After accepting that even if I am gay, I'm staying with my boyfriend.. The theme of being a transgender came up. That was the absolute worst of them all. It was at a time my anxiety was at its Peak so I was feeling disassociated and my mind just tried to explain that feeling as "you're in the wrong body". I was thoroughly convinced I was a man in a girls body for a solid 3 weeks, I woke up and that was the first thing on my mind "your a man and now youre going to lose your boyfriend, your life and everything that makes you, you." I didn't want to be a man, but my mind was saying "too bad, you are". I eventually went to therapy for this feeling, (they didn't diagnose me with OCD so they weren't treating me as an OCD patient) the thoughts eventually went away but now I'm back on my HOCD. Ive now thorougly convinced myself that I'm gay and will be with a woman for the rest of my life. I don't want to be and this thought scares me. I want to be with my boyfriend, not a woman. But my mind is saying "too bad, just accept that your a lesbian, you're in denial, just come out" but I don't want to be a lesbian ? can anyone relate to the feeling of convincing yourself to the point where you believe it?
I’m new to this app and just wanted to share my story. As a young girl I definitely had compulsions. My mom always told me she would take me to a psychiatrist (I would cry when people sat on my bed). Anyways, as I got older I definitely grew out of a lot of things. I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD but I have GAD. I know I definitely have OCD because I have done a lot of research. Recently I have really, really been struggling with HOCD. I’ve never experienced this before, and that’s why it’s making it more scary. I’m a young adult woman and have been in a very serious relationship with a male for many years. I love him so much. I am also very athletic and not very girly. I always loved the fact that I was a guys gal, but lately it has made me super insecure. A lot of people at school assume I’m bisexual because I’m super pro LGBTQ rights and idk? Idk why I give off that “vibe”. It never bothered me, I always thought it was funny, and I have no issue with being gay, but I’m definitely not?! During this quarantine my guy friends have said I have way way more guy friends than girl friends, someone asked my teammate if I was bisexual, and I have never had an orgasm from my boyfriend. It started really getting in my head and I keep being like “am I gay and that’s why I don’t orgasm”. This seems so pathetic and writing this actually helps and makes me realize there is no way I like women. But anyways THE THOUGHTS DO NOT STOP. I keep worrying that I do not know myself, and maybe I don’t love my bf, and maybe other people see something I don’t. Anyways, how can I help myself? I am noticing I’m reassuring and checking and starting compulsions
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