thoughts

So one year ago I had told my guy best friend that I'm a lesbian, and I genuinely believed it at the time. Then Valentine's Day came, and I slowly started to realise that I may have a crush on him. I liked him romantically, but I didn't care if we were together or not to be honest, I prioritised us being best friends no matter what. Anyways, we always had this thing where we would kiss each other on the cheek and pretend that we're a couple for fun. During the time I had a crush, were these kisses that I gave him platonic or romantic? I wasn't expecting anything from him, and didn't really know if he had feelings for me or anything but to be honest, yeah sure bummer if he didn't but I didn't really care. Was I using him for my own benefit unintentionally? Was I giving him romantic kisses on the cheek while pretending they were platonic basically? I keep trying to think if I did anything wrong, could anyone help me? And please be brutally honest, I want to hear it as it is

There’s this guy I just worked with who honestly felt like another version of me, someone who I could get along with massively. Everything we’d talk about was the same, our interest, our taste in films and music, it felt amazing to have someone to chat to. I can’t lie he was also physically very much my type, so I do fancy him. I said to my friend that I think I found the love of my life, but the sad thing is he’s taken so I’ll take having a crush dip and suppress the fact I fancy him and she went all serious with me. Started saying “good because that can ruin a friendship, especially with a girlfriend”, and it wasn’t meant to be so deep and now it’s got me massively overthinking. I’ve only known him a very short time but I wanted a friendship to be there yk, we’ll never really see one another every again after the festival but it felt nice to have had such a good friendship, even if I feel like I’m another life he would be the perfect one. Can I not feel like that and still have a friendship? I’m never gonna do anything about it, I currently like someone else and he also has a gf, but can I not joke about it without it being all serious? I’m massively overthinking it

So I know for a fact that I'm not ready for relationships. It's just not something I feel like I can do due to insecurities, self confidence, anxiety, and self esteem getting in the way of that. It's something that's always on my mind due to fomo and societal norms. I know I would like one but I haven't found any other reasons beyond the biological want. There's a woman that I really do like spending time with and I kept thinking of trying to chat with her more just as a friend to hang out and just get to know her more. Everytime I've seen her it's been a great time and we get along really well. We click on a lot of things and have big interests in common. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think of her as a romantic partner but I just know that's not something I can do. Is it disingenuous to try and be friends with her despite having this on my mind time and time again? This is the one thing I could never find myself getting over.