So, one second I know I don’t want the thoughts, I get upset by them and they disgust me. Then I overthink it and I question everything. “Did I like that or not? Do I want that or not?” And it makes it feel so real because everyone here knows they are disgusted by the thoughts. Then I question, “why are you scared huh? Why do you not want to be gay?” And it makes the thoughts feel 10x more real, as if I actually wanted to be. I am just so tired of this. I feel that because I can’t relate to other people with hocd with this I actually don’t have it. But then I question again. I really don’t know what I want to be, and who I am.

It’s makes me feel as if I actually want the thoughts. And I don’t know. My head hurts, I feel this hole in my stomach. Like this really feels real. How can it not be? These questions are the only thing bringing me down at this point. Also the fact it feels as if I am never going to like a guy again and because 99% of my attraction is gone. Before this used to be so much easier, I can’t believe I didn’t know it

Same here ugh

I used to struggle with HOCD and it just so happened I am ACTUALLY gay. When you ACTUALLY identify with non-heterosexualism, obsessive thoughts is not how it manifests. Queer ppl don’t walk around obsessing about their queerness. I know we’re not supposed to validate but as a Lgbt person I think this is a point worth considering

“Am I gay or am I not, do I like thoughts abt the same sex or do I not, am I unattracted to me s.o, etc.” are not typical LGBTQ experiences. They ARE however typical OCD experiences

Oh thank you. It’s like I get thoughts, questions, then doubt the answer to those questions, and then get one of those why-are-you-scared questions and those make me anxious and then I feel upset and the cycle goes again. You struggled with hocd?

I did yes. Around the ages of 10-16. And now I am openly queer but my sexuality has NO relation to those past HOCD thoughts. OCD is a master of doubt. It makes you doubt your thoughts, feelings, and actions. It’s hard to recognize what’s real sometimes. I grew up in an extremely tolerant / lenient family. My mother was catholic by proxy but never actively practiced the faith/didn’t even really believe in any of it. My father was/is openly agnostic. They couldn’t give a shit less if I was gay or not. And I knew that whole heartedly. I myself am extremely accepting and tolerant of any sexuality, race, gender identity, etc. meaning even I KNEW nothing was wrong with being gay. So the thoughts made no sense. I was suffering in my obsessions about those thoughts despite my actual feelings and opinions about gayness being the TOTAL opposite

Which made me realize that the thoughts were reflective of my OCD, NOT of my actual sexuality/feelings towards sexuality

I would literally walk around pretending to be homophobic and biphobic just to try and offset those thoughts. That is NOT me. That is my disease.

So you knew you were gay and you got ocd thoughts about being straight? I am confused. So you were first getting ocd thoughts about being gay and then it turned true?

No you don’t just become gay lol

My OCD thoughts about homosexuality had nothing to do with the fact that I’m actually gay is what I’m saying

The thoughts were worrisome (anxiety provoking) - the feeling of being gay was not

What. Now I am worried. Am I like that? I don’t know. It’s all I can think about, now I am scared like you. I don’t want to be with women but then I doubt even that. I feel so much anxiety. Distress, I even get upset. Idk. I just don’t want to be. I want to be back to normal like I was in the past, but now it feels as if I was like that too and I am just figuring *it* out now

Ok I feel like my comment is doing more harm than good, which was NOT my intention so I apologize. In MY experience, HOCD / obsessive thoughts related to being gay have NOTHING to do with your actual sexuality. That is the point I was trying to make. This seems to be really upsetting you. Try using this app’s SOS feature. It helps me a lot.

Yeah that really worries me too. Do you mean you had sexual thoughts or did you obsess over whether or not you were gay?

Yea I am a little confused. I don’t really feel anything towards women, just thought and a bunch of anxiety. It just feels so real like I’ll never get over this. I just want to like guys again and not feel guilty or have thoughts telling me otherwise or that I am lying or something.