Sexuality

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

I never read someone talk about this so I wanted to know if it applies to anyone as well. For context: I deal with ROCD and SOCD but I do identify as straight and am in a (happy) relationship with a man. What often triggers me is memories about childhood and adolescences about having the groinal toward nudity in porn or music videos. Because I can’t deny having watched other things than straight porn and experimenting with porn I simply can’t stop trying to figure out what that might have meant and if i deep down have actually a other sexual orientation than the one that I feel comfortable identifying with. I only hear people talking about random triggers but never the REAL memory of arousal to pornography and so on.

I’ve been struggling a lot recently with intrusive thoughts and images of the same gender, and I’ll often get a groinal response out of pure terror which then fuels hyperawareness to the groin and to salivation which then makes my whole body burn and ruins my whole day out of fear of it meaning something about myself despite all the evidence in my past that I am straight (e.g having a baby on the way, only being attracted to women), I try to tell myself that it’s all OCD and it is a lie, but the groinal response just keeps me in this horrible spiral constantly, to the point that I have nightmares about it, does anyone else have this problem? I’m so exhausted because of it and I can’t sleep because the intrusive thoughts keep me awake for hours on end, I’m getting the help I need but the wait is crippling :(