Sometimes…

This might not even be OCD related, but I have a difficult time standing up for myself or just communicating boundaries with others. I'm trying to improve, but it's not easy. I always feel guilty after saying anything, like maybe I'm being dramatic, or maybe I'm in the wrong for not ignoring their words/actions and moving on. Even if the person doesn't respond with a negative reaction, I start spiraling :(

Yesterday something happened with my partner and I can’t stop thinking about it, even though it’s technically “resolved.” We were listening to music and he was singing along to a song that had the word “hoes” in it (like in the offensive way, referring to women). I told him that I didn’t like him singing that part. He first said that the word wasn’t even in the song. We rewound it – and it was in there. What triggered me wasn’t even the lyric itself, but his reaction. When I said something like “Oh, I must’ve misheard,” he didn’t say anything. No “Yeah, maybe” or “Oh no, you were right” – just silence. That moment really stuck with me. To me, it felt like he knew it was in the song but didn’t want to admit it. I also doubt his honesty because of that silence. It’s like my brain says: “If he were being honest, he would’ve just confirmed it.” Later on, he explained that he didn’t really notice what he was singing, and he hadn’t been paying attention to that part. So technically, we talked about it. But my brain won’t let go of that one moment where he stayed silent. Now I feel this strong urge to bring it up again, just to “make sure” nothing was hidden or dishonest – but I don’t want to, because I’ve already brought up similar things before and I know it’s hard on him. I feel stuck between: “Something’s off, you should talk about it again.” and “It’s your OCD, let it go.” Does this sound like ROCD to you? Or is it reasonable to be upset about this? Has anyone experienced something like this – where a small moment of silence or weird reaction makes your brain spiral?

This is about OCD but also I just want to rant, I feel very lonely at times. My dad died when I was very young & as the oldest daughter I feel like I’ve had to be strong my entire life. My friends & family love and support me but for some reason I’ve never felt comfortable being vulnerable or discussing my feelings. Everyone tells me I’m the person they go to for advice/support but I have never once opened up to anyone, it almost feels impossible to do so. I mask so well that none of my friends or family know I struggle. No one has ever seen me cry. Also, as a college student with a small group of friends who go out of state, I don’t have many friends in my area so that contributes to feeling isolated. I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, anxiety, & ADHD. As long as I can remember I’ve felt like a bad person and undeserving of love unless i prove myself by being good or useful. I try to keep myself working, volunteering & double majoring in school to feel worthy of love. I genuinely do love life & am so thankful because I feel very blessed. I have good friends & family. But I also feel isolated. (Ik I isolate myself but at the same time I don’t know how to stop). Anyways back in December I broke up with my bf who I had dated for yearsss. He really violated my trust & cheated on me after making me feel crazy for so long & swearing he would never betray me again. It hurt deeply. But ofc I handled it the only way I know how. By being strong. I self isolated. I didn’t tell any of my friends for weeks that we broke up and when I did, I didn’t tell them why (to preserve his image). No one saw how badly it hurt me. To everyone else I seemed fine. I started coping with it in embarrassing ways. I had casual sex with multiple people very quickly that clearly only wanted that from me & didn’t care about me as a person. I am ashamed of this. I’ve stopped meeting new people and decided that’s not the way I want to be and I want to put my energy into healthy outlets. But sometimes in moments of weakness I have had relations with past people (wanting to feel loved & desired & wanted). Anyways my recent theme of OCD has been health + morality related, specifically the fear that I have an STD. I started having some bodily sensations (that i’ve had in the past & aren’t STD related) and started worrying that I may have an STD. When I get health anxiety, I sometimes avoid doctors. I did that for about a month but finally scheduled an appt for Monday. But now the guilt is eating at me and saying “what if you had an STD this whole time & knowingly gave it to others bc you avoided doctors?” That causes me a lot of guilt & shame. I know this is OCD so I’m trying not to ask for reassurance. Sorry that was so long, this is the first time I’ve ranted in a very long time. I just want someone to see me.