Last night triggered me

Sometimes I worry that I don’t have ocd and that I’m losing my mind and that I’ll never feel better again. I was starting to feel really good last night and I thought it was finally over so I went ahead and did a lot of the stuff I enjoyed doing before this happened (the reason I had to stop was because certain things were triggering in either one way or another) but eventually I hit a point where I just could not bring myself to do something because it was causing too much anxiety. I got this horrible image last night in a dream and then I began to get a flurry of bothersome thoughts, so now I have 2 obsessions to worry about now. The first one is kind of in control but I’m just afraid what’s going to happen to my brain and I’m worried about having an episode in front of my family, who I’m supposed to be having a small dinner with today. I don’t want to tell them what’s going on but I’m afraid they’ll notice that I’m not well. I’m never present because I’m always in my head analyzing and ruminating and worrying. The feeling last night gave me hope that I could be myself again but I just worry that these thoughts will always linger and make me lose my mind. :(

Basically. I’m scared that at some point I will feel no anxiety and ‘give in’ and accept it. I have a really hard time believing I have ocd (because I can’t get diagnosed because of my age) sometimes I feel like I do because I remember the days where I was crying on the floor with how real it felt and I DIDNT want it to be real. I worry that I am in denial and I’m just not accept it. Or that it’s suppressed. Or internalised homophobia. Anything really that means it’s all real. I have my moments where I feel normal again but they don’t last long. I wish I knew if it was hocd/ocd but then again I know I’d doubt it if I was told it was. But then again I feel like hearing a professional say ‘you have ocd’ would mean a lot to me. If anyone feels the same or similar I would love to know (btw reassurance very rarely helps me anymore. I just love knowing if I’m not alone and not going crazy) Maybe maybe not doesnt help. I always spiral more with that but I often use ‘I don’t need to know right now’ and that brings me some relief (not sure if it should but it does)

i don’t understand what’s going on. All of the sudden i started having intrusive thoughts and I thought the “devil” had me and i was about to check myself into a mental hospital but then one of my friends who also has ocd told me that she has these too and i felt less alone. Then for like a day or two I was fine and then I went to therapy and was triggered (? idek) and the intrusive thoughts came back and now i’m even worse than I was before and I don’t even know what’s going on. I can’t figure it out and I can’t stop reading and posting on this dang app BECAUSE IM CONFUSED AND SCARED IM JUST SCARED and idk if this is reassurance seeking or what but I have my first therapy appointment with someone on here on wednesday but i’m scared that I won’t make it… Idk what’s going on and idek if I DO have ocd bc i haven’t been diagnosed