Last night triggered me

Having thoughts like "your thoughts are real... you really are a bad person.... you don't have ocd, you're just using it as an excuse for your thoughts... you were 'diagnosed' by a college counselor, so it's probably not real... you like your thoughts....." and right now I'm able to keep the anxiety down which is good because I have one more class to get through today but I can tell that later I will be overthinking this and probably get extremely anxious. When I get really anxious I can't cry, I don't know why, but then my head tells me "well you're not crying so you're not really upset or worried about it because you're a bad person." Sorry in advance if I go on a posting spree later when this all hits.

Basically. I’m scared that at some point I will feel no anxiety and ‘give in’ and accept it. I have a really hard time believing I have ocd (because I can’t get diagnosed because of my age) sometimes I feel like I do because I remember the days where I was crying on the floor with how real it felt and I DIDNT want it to be real. I worry that I am in denial and I’m just not accept it. Or that it’s suppressed. Or internalised homophobia. Anything really that means it’s all real. I have my moments where I feel normal again but they don’t last long. I wish I knew if it was hocd/ocd but then again I know I’d doubt it if I was told it was. But then again I feel like hearing a professional say ‘you have ocd’ would mean a lot to me. If anyone feels the same or similar I would love to know (btw reassurance very rarely helps me anymore. I just love knowing if I’m not alone and not going crazy) Maybe maybe not doesnt help. I always spiral more with that but I often use ‘I don’t need to know right now’ and that brings me some relief (not sure if it should but it does)

I’m trying to get past the thought in my head that “this is not ocd”. Mainly because I’m not doing compulsions that much anymore it’s just the constant thoughts and still some anxiety from them. The idea that I haven’t figured this out puts a pit in my stomach and brings me to tears. I just know if I do compulsions it’ll feel like the cycle will never stop and it’s exhausting. I already think about this every second of the day and I feel like I can’t enjoy anything so my mind says “well you’re not doing compulsions you’re just anxious about the fact that your life is gonna change and you don’t want it to”. This is so hard I don’t know what to do