I’m so tired. It’s gotten to the point where sure. I don’t want to be gay. But if I am. I want to be able to accept it. Why can’t I accept it though ? I’ve even had moments where I’ve said ‘this is real. I am gay. There is no way this can’t be real’ but it comes with discomfort. If I am gay. Why can’t I accept it ?
I’m sorry you are suffering friend. I have struggled with this subtype unknowingly when I was a teen as well, later I even “came out” to a friend as bi, but I was not, I was just hoping the anxiety would go away if I said it out loud. Something that helped me was buying some rainbow earrings, I am a Christian so if someone asked me about them I told them about Noah’s ark/Genesis 9, but it helped me bc strangers maybe could think they were of the pride flag so it acted as an exposure. Remember that you are not your thoughts- and your thoughts have no meaning to change reality! Try to not “figure out” anything and just sit with the feelings of discomfort! I would recommend using the free exercises under the therapy tab on the app. I hope you are doing ok!
I am sorry that you are having a difficult time. OCD is cruel and it is relentless and it the doubting disorder, so it plays havoc on us. The trick is to use ERP tools to navigate that, because the more you resist something, the stronger it becomes. And I am guessing here, but you said I don't want to be gay - and that is probably playing repeatedly in your head, so instead of calming you - it is having the opposite effect, because your reaction is telling your brain there is something to figure out. That is why OCD is so difficult - and all of us with OCD do this - we want the anxiety to go away, but ERP teaches us that we can have a good life even WITH the intrusive thoughts. Not knowing where you are on your journey, I will offer you a few suggestions of things that may help you. First, you can use the non-engagement technique of recognizing the thought, but not engaging it, not judging it, but acknowledging its presence. Say something like, that's interesting, or maybe I am gay, but I may not be, I am not sure and I don't need to figure it out now. Or if you are in a relationship, you could say maybe I am gay, but for now I am going to continue my relationship with my partner and if I fall in love with a person of the same gender, I will deal with it then. Second, you could really push the OCD to the limit, but don't do this if you are not comfortable. When the thought comes in, say, hell yes, I am gay and I am going to sleep with this person, and that person, and if that isn't enough I am going to find more people to sleep with and I am going to enjoy being gay. It gives the OCD nowhere to go, and practicing that will help bring the anxiety surrounding this down over time. This is a high level exposure, so do not do it if you are uncomfortable in any way. I hope this helps you.
@Jeffrey I really appreciate your response. However a big issue of mine is that I’m not diagnosed and i also feel I’m ‘too young to have so-ocd’ (I’m 16 and I’d started at 14). Without a diagnosis I have the constant doubt that it’s all real and not ocd. I will try your strategies. However i am suffering a lot
I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.
it feels like i accepted being gay and thats part of who i am but i still feel that tension and fake attraction whenever i see a man and i feel like i could be able to have a sexual intercourse with a man even though i dont want it is it still hocd or just denial? like i am feeling okey but there is still that doubt that how can i know that im not gay if i dont get disgusted by gay things or gay personality traits and at the same time i want to feel normal again like before
I’ve tried accepting the uncertainty, I’ve accepted I may be gay, bi or still straight. I’ve tried doing ERP myself to the best I can. When I accept that I’m gay or bi why doesn’t my head agree and move on? Why does it still question it? I know I don’t want to be at all. I love my family. But I just want this to move on. I want to enjoy life. Why can’t I find women attractive again? (Brief moments I do). I seriously don’t understand the false attraction? I’ve tried agreeing with it but it won’t let this drop. Why am I attracted to the same sex? Why am I attracted to people I would never thought of looking at? Why does it give me such grief about this? I know I shouldn’t look at adult content but why can I only feel good watching either lesbian or females? I tried to agree with the gay but it makes me sick and horrendous I even considered this? I just want my life back.
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