I’m so tired. It’s gotten to the point where sure. I don’t want to be gay. But if I am. I want to be able to accept it. Why can’t I accept it though ? I’ve even had moments where I’ve said ‘this is real. I am gay. There is no way this can’t be real’ but it comes with discomfort. If I am gay. Why can’t I accept it ?
I’m sorry you are suffering friend. I have struggled with this subtype unknowingly when I was a teen as well, later I even “came out” to a friend as bi, but I was not, I was just hoping the anxiety would go away if I said it out loud. Something that helped me was buying some rainbow earrings, I am a Christian so if someone asked me about them I told them about Noah’s ark/Genesis 9, but it helped me bc strangers maybe could think they were of the pride flag so it acted as an exposure. Remember that you are not your thoughts- and your thoughts have no meaning to change reality! Try to not “figure out” anything and just sit with the feelings of discomfort! I would recommend using the free exercises under the therapy tab on the app. I hope you are doing ok!
I am sorry that you are having a difficult time. OCD is cruel and it is relentless and it the doubting disorder, so it plays havoc on us. The trick is to use ERP tools to navigate that, because the more you resist something, the stronger it becomes. And I am guessing here, but you said I don't want to be gay - and that is probably playing repeatedly in your head, so instead of calming you - it is having the opposite effect, because your reaction is telling your brain there is something to figure out. That is why OCD is so difficult - and all of us with OCD do this - we want the anxiety to go away, but ERP teaches us that we can have a good life even WITH the intrusive thoughts. Not knowing where you are on your journey, I will offer you a few suggestions of things that may help you. First, you can use the non-engagement technique of recognizing the thought, but not engaging it, not judging it, but acknowledging its presence. Say something like, that's interesting, or maybe I am gay, but I may not be, I am not sure and I don't need to figure it out now. Or if you are in a relationship, you could say maybe I am gay, but for now I am going to continue my relationship with my partner and if I fall in love with a person of the same gender, I will deal with it then. Second, you could really push the OCD to the limit, but don't do this if you are not comfortable. When the thought comes in, say, hell yes, I am gay and I am going to sleep with this person, and that person, and if that isn't enough I am going to find more people to sleep with and I am going to enjoy being gay. It gives the OCD nowhere to go, and practicing that will help bring the anxiety surrounding this down over time. This is a high level exposure, so do not do it if you are uncomfortable in any way. I hope this helps you.
@Jeffrey I really appreciate your response. However a big issue of mine is that I’m not diagnosed and i also feel I’m ‘too young to have so-ocd’ (I’m 16 and I’d started at 14). Without a diagnosis I have the constant doubt that it’s all real and not ocd. I will try your strategies. However i am suffering a lot
it feels like i accepted being gay and thats part of who i am but i still feel that tension and fake attraction whenever i see a man and i feel like i could be able to have a sexual intercourse with a man even though i dont want it is it still hocd or just denial? like i am feeling okey but there is still that doubt that how can i know that im not gay if i dont get disgusted by gay things or gay personality traits and at the same time i want to feel normal again like before
I’ve tried accepting the uncertainty, I’ve accepted I may be gay, bi or still straight. I’ve tried doing ERP myself to the best I can. When I accept that I’m gay or bi why doesn’t my head agree and move on? Why does it still question it? I know I don’t want to be at all. I love my family. But I just want this to move on. I want to enjoy life. Why can’t I find women attractive again? (Brief moments I do). I seriously don’t understand the false attraction? I’ve tried agreeing with it but it won’t let this drop. Why am I attracted to the same sex? Why am I attracted to people I would never thought of looking at? Why does it give me such grief about this? I know I shouldn’t look at adult content but why can I only feel good watching either lesbian or females? I tried to agree with the gay but it makes me sick and horrendous I even considered this? I just want my life back.
I had a bad rumination spiral yesterday and went to bed hoping I’d start over in the morning. I was wrong. I had dreams about liking women and not being attracted to men anymore and my entire body has been in a state of anxiety since. I genuinely feel like I’m gay and just need to accept it. I have this urge to accept it. Maybe if I do I’ll get some sort of relief because this feeling is awful. I feel like my brain is telling me that I’ll get relief if I just accept it and come out. The intrusive thoughts don’t even seem to be around sexual images anymore, just to come out.
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