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I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time with hocd. I know it seems impossible sometimes, like we will never get out if this way of thinking, but that's not true. I recommend Chrissie Hodges, you can check her videos on YouTube under her name and hocd if you'd like, she has great videos for support and also works as a peer support specialist who does video calls if needed. Best of luck to you.

Also, I don't know if you've gone through ERP , exposure and response therapy, but that is one of the best treatments. Here is a tip that helps me. In exposure therapy, if you get an intrusive thought like, "I think that girl is pretty and that means something bad" for example...you can think back, well mb I do think she is pretty and it does mean something bad but mb I think she's pretty and it means nothing at all. It's kind of like your talking to a bully who is saying, "you're stupid", and if you say "no I'm not", the bully will keep coming back at you more. But if you say "well mb I am stupid, but mb I'm not", the bully will back off bc you don't care what he thinks. Also by concentrating on your anxiety your feeding into the OCD. Mb if you get the thought and let it pass into your mind and out,like your observing it rather then engaging then it might not feel so scary, like it's here ok so what, now just pass through bc I know it's OCD and worrying doesn't help. You can just sit with the anxiety observe it and let it go...try not to let it get to you. Also, if you're obsessing constantly, mb you can assign a time to "obsess". Like give yourself a time like and hour at 6pm where you can worry about whatever you want. But if you get thoughts just think now is not the time, I will worry about this later. That being said I am not a professional, but have gone through ERP and ERP is something that I believe you need a professional to guide you. So you can try these erp/therapy tips but def seek out some help to guide you in the process . Hope this helps a little.

^ that was great. And I also completely relate with you on the whole doubting yourself doubting everything and not being able to accept the thoughts because the bad feeling stays. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do but I have to do something I can’t continue like this. I have to force myself. So I guess I’d say just sit with the anxiety and feel depressed about it because accepting it is going to still make you feel terrible, but people say if you keep practicing, ‘tis your one ticket out of hell. But like any other things, you have to work for it. Like in the real world.