- Username
- idont241
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I haven’t been able to actually live in ages. Haven’t had an hour without intrusive thoughts in ages, and when I had one, today it feels fake and that I was faking it. Because this is all I can think about. I want my head to shut up. Really. I am getting flashbacks of pretty people and my head is telling me I was attracted to them. I am in so much pain.
I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time with hocd. I know it seems impossible sometimes, like we will never get out if this way of thinking, but that's not true. I recommend Chrissie Hodges, you can check her videos on YouTube under her name and hocd if you'd like, she has great videos for support and also works as a peer support specialist who does video calls if needed. Best of luck to you.
Also, I don't know if you've gone through ERP , exposure and response therapy, but that is one of the best treatments. Here is a tip that helps me. In exposure therapy, if you get an intrusive thought like, "I think that girl is pretty and that means something bad" for example...you can think back, well mb I do think she is pretty and it does mean something bad but mb I think she's pretty and it means nothing at all. It's kind of like your talking to a bully who is saying, "you're stupid", and if you say "no I'm not", the bully will keep coming back at you more. But if you say "well mb I am stupid, but mb I'm not", the bully will back off bc you don't care what he thinks. Also by concentrating on your anxiety your feeding into the OCD. Mb if you get the thought and let it pass into your mind and out,like your observing it rather then engaging then it might not feel so scary, like it's here ok so what, now just pass through bc I know it's OCD and worrying doesn't help. You can just sit with the anxiety observe it and let it go...try not to let it get to you. Also, if you're obsessing constantly, mb you can assign a time to "obsess". Like give yourself a time like and hour at 6pm where you can worry about whatever you want. But if you get thoughts just think now is not the time, I will worry about this later. That being said I am not a professional, but have gone through ERP and ERP is something that I believe you need a professional to guide you. So you can try these erp/therapy tips but def seek out some help to guide you in the process . Hope this helps a little.
^ that was great. And I also completely relate with you on the whole doubting yourself doubting everything and not being able to accept the thoughts because the bad feeling stays. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do but I have to do something I can’t continue like this. I have to force myself. So I guess I’d say just sit with the anxiety and feel depressed about it because accepting it is going to still make you feel terrible, but people say if you keep practicing, ‘tis your one ticket out of hell. But like any other things, you have to work for it. Like in the real world.
I literally have no reason to think this! I’ve never been attracted or had a crush on a girl! I don’t know why I keep worrying. All of the sudden I feel like my feelings for all my past crushes weren’t real. This sucks. I don’t know anything about myself anymore. It keeps trying to push this idea on my head. Like there is no reason for me to think that i am gay! The most possible “reason” would be finding women attractive, that’s it! But now I try to imagine my life partner and when I think of a guy a picture of a women quickly comes up. Sometimes I just wanna scream “I am gay” for no reason. Or when someone is talking about relationships I always think “I am different”. Or when someone talks about acceptance it really bothers me too. This is so bad, what am I even basing this idea on? Now, I it’s hard imagining a guy that I like, it’s weird. I feel like I am never going to like anyone again. Ugh this is draining me
I seriously have never thought about girls until now. It just never crossed my mind. I never liked or had feelings for a girl. And now that I’m constantly questioning everything and picturing everything. It just feels like I like it. It scares me, would I be happy with a girl ?? I don’t want to be with a girl but I feels like I do want this. It’s so confusing. I can’t tell whether this is actually ocd or I’m genuinely attracted to the same sex. I hate this so much !!! It’s like I just completely lost myself and questioned it so much I’ve just become lesbian but some things just don’t make sense. Why would I catch feelings for other boys? Never girls. I don’t know anymore. I’m happy with my boyfriend. Without these thoughts I’d be so good and so much more happy. Now I just don’t fucking know and this hurts so damn bad that I can’t just rest not one day. This is so damn stressful and hurtful to question your identity every single day. Sometimes I seriously just feel like I’m lesbian but I can’t seem to settle on that because I just can’t be. I want to just die. I hate what my mind is doing to me. I hate I have to go through these thoughts alone. I hate everything. I just want to crawl in a hole and never see anyone. I just want to hug my boyfriend and have my thoughts erased. I’ve thought too much and too deep I can’t stop. I’m crying from sadness because I don’t know what’s real anymore and I never in a million years thought this is something I’d have to deal with.
Okay so having a lil anxiety attack right now because the thought of being gay aint scaring me anymore and now i feel like i truuuly am gay and like i have to come out to my parents and like im pressured by myself and not accepting myself and it feels just too real and idkkk its crazy how i can go from okay to this stage again. I feel like i try not to fall in love with woman and im holding myself back but if i truly was gay wouldnt it just liked the same sex earlier in my life. Like it just happens right? So ive never had that but i feel like im blocking myself from likjng woman but jve never liked them in my whole life so idk what im tryna convince myself. I cant lie, This generation is rlly hard on me when it comes to my hocd. Evergwhere around me people are comjng out and it makes it look like being gay is a huge posibility and that i could easily be gay when u look at how many people are gay. That it wouldnt be a weird case like so many girls are lesbian why wouldnt i be. What would make me straight and them gay? The thing is all these questjoms once were never in my head and all the answers were so clear i didnt even had to ask the questions to myself. But why do i now? Makes me feel like im gay because straight ppl would never ask themselves these questions...
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond