- Date posted
- 5y ago
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I haven’t been able to actually live in ages. Haven’t had an hour without intrusive thoughts in ages, and when I had one, today it feels fake and that I was faking it. Because this is all I can think about. I want my head to shut up. Really. I am getting flashbacks of pretty people and my head is telling me I was attracted to them. I am in so much pain.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time with hocd. I know it seems impossible sometimes, like we will never get out if this way of thinking, but that's not true. I recommend Chrissie Hodges, you can check her videos on YouTube under her name and hocd if you'd like, she has great videos for support and also works as a peer support specialist who does video calls if needed. Best of luck to you.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Also, I don't know if you've gone through ERP , exposure and response therapy, but that is one of the best treatments. Here is a tip that helps me. In exposure therapy, if you get an intrusive thought like, "I think that girl is pretty and that means something bad" for example...you can think back, well mb I do think she is pretty and it does mean something bad but mb I think she's pretty and it means nothing at all. It's kind of like your talking to a bully who is saying, "you're stupid", and if you say "no I'm not", the bully will keep coming back at you more. But if you say "well mb I am stupid, but mb I'm not", the bully will back off bc you don't care what he thinks. Also by concentrating on your anxiety your feeding into the OCD. Mb if you get the thought and let it pass into your mind and out,like your observing it rather then engaging then it might not feel so scary, like it's here ok so what, now just pass through bc I know it's OCD and worrying doesn't help. You can just sit with the anxiety observe it and let it go...try not to let it get to you. Also, if you're obsessing constantly, mb you can assign a time to "obsess". Like give yourself a time like and hour at 6pm where you can worry about whatever you want. But if you get thoughts just think now is not the time, I will worry about this later. That being said I am not a professional, but have gone through ERP and ERP is something that I believe you need a professional to guide you. So you can try these erp/therapy tips but def seek out some help to guide you in the process . Hope this helps a little.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
^ that was great. And I also completely relate with you on the whole doubting yourself doubting everything and not being able to accept the thoughts because the bad feeling stays. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do but I have to do something I can’t continue like this. I have to force myself. So I guess I’d say just sit with the anxiety and feel depressed about it because accepting it is going to still make you feel terrible, but people say if you keep practicing, ‘tis your one ticket out of hell. But like any other things, you have to work for it. Like in the real world.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 17w ago
I feel so sad, alone, scared and hopeless. Until two months ago there was not even the remote possibility of being anything other than heterosexual and now the idea that I could find out that I was lesbian or bisexual terrifies me to death. Everything was born from the fact that I didn't feel sexual desire towards my ex-boyfriend and I started to be afraid that it was because I was a lesbian... how can I be a lesbian or bisexual if everything was born from this? I would like to run away from myself and my head. I would really like to go back and go back to my life before. I can't take it anymore. I just want to live my life like before
- Date posted
- 17w ago
It feels like I’m lying to myself constantly and everyone. There feels like there is a weight on my heart from the moment I wake up till I go to sleep. I don’t want to be gay. Idk why it doesn’t register. Now everyone I see I have to see if I’m attracted to them. I see good looking men and I feel like I’m lying to myself that they are good looking, I see women and I see if im attracted to them. I look at everyone and I feel jealous. I want my fucking life back. But now my OCD (if this is even OCD) is telling me I was never happy and I was always suppressing my feelings of being gay. Why is this happening? Can OCD do this? I can’t enjoy anything ever.
- Date posted
- 14w ago
Idk what else to title this. I was watching a film cooper video cuz why not and he mentioned smthn about wall paper customization and icons and stuff and I just kinda had a groinal response followed by the memory of me having my first crush on a woman (my friend at the time) that helped me figure out that I’m bi and I felt kinda intensely for her but that’s cuz a) it was new and b) we were kinda on again off again friends who haven’t spoken in a few years now and I’m over her entirely. It was toxic I think. She was too much like the person who bullied me in elementary school (they were friends as well so my mom made me cut her off which is. Fair. Made me really sad but eh that’s life) I saw her at prom cuz someone brought her. It was nice to see her but yeah that was it. And now I’m mentally comparing what I felt for women in the past (idk intense crush, listening to a lot of gay songs (think she by dodie) dressing semi masc cuz funky, we had nicknames for each other despite not dating or anything) to men (less intense crush but still big crush, I’ve only dated and kissed men so sparks rhere) and now I’m just slightly nauseous and worried that I don’t like men as much as I like women but I think that’s normal for any bi person? To have different levels of attraction to different genders? Idk I feel gross and icky now like I shouldn’t even be thinking about it or her cuz I have a bf. And I do look fondly upon it, now I’m nervous cuz I got more excited about her calling me a specific nickname than I do from my bf calling me honey even at the beginning? Honey felt more traditional and I love it but we do switch around nicknames and it’s always nice, not many butterflies anymore, and sometimes I get anxious when he does lately, if it’s a nickname in Portuguese. Or if he called me a shortened version of my name. What does that mean? I’m nervous now. I was doing half decently today now I’m nauseous again. I’m worried that cuz I liked the nicknames she and I had that means I don’t like the ones my bf and I have and that I just don’t like him or men cuz I’ve been feeling off around him. But I love when he calls me honey, it still feels good when he does it now but no butterflies. Idk what’s wrong with me. Is it even ocd at this point. Even if I do like women slightly more it doesn’t erase that I love my bf. I’m worried I’m leaning too much towards women tho and I’m a lesbian. Idk if my bi cycle is cycling or if I’m just a lesbian entirely cuz I don’t feel much when my bf takes off his shirt, sex feels different, and things feel stale and slow. But maybe that’s cuz I’m checking and comparing. Now I’m anxious fuck. I’m trying not to think about her idk why. I’m worried I still find her attractive or am attracted to her or smthn. She’s in my city. I didn’t care before but now I do. Or if I think about her I’ll think about other women and will only want to have sec with women which not really tbh. I wanna be able to enjoy sec with my bf. It just hasn’t felt right lately cuz I’ve been so depressed and obsessive. I wasn’t obsessing much last night when we had sex but it still didn’t feel passionate. It didn’t feel uncomfortable but I thought it’d be more? Idk. I know it’s normal to not feel him inside me cuz the vagina isn’t very nerved up compared to the clitoris but it felt like more the motions. But tbh. I needed it. Idk I wanted to have sex and it was a nice stress relief. I just didn’t feel butterflies which kinda bummed me out but we’ve been having sex since august so that’s normal. Idk. I haven’t been able to fantasize about sex. The fact that I’m bi makes all of this so confusing. Cuz yes hypothetically I can enjoy the thought of sex with a woman. But I don’t want to rn cuz I’m dating a man. And I can’t fantasize about sex with him cuz I’m getting intrusive thoughts about my friends and I having sex. I have this urge to watch porn cuz it’s been a while but I’m not going to. I’ve cut down a lot on masturbation. Partially cuz this partially cuz I wanna do things with my bf (when I’m mentally ok) but jow my brain is saying “Oo you think all these women are so hot you’re gonna go feral blah blah blah” and yes women are hot but I don’t wanna have sex with a woman. Idk saying women are hot doesn’t bring me anxiety but the thought of sex with one or leaving my bf and saying I’m a lesbian bother me. Cuz I know it’s not true. I love him I know that. I’d be happy if we stayed together. I wouldn’t regret a thing honestly. I like having sex with him. Idc if it’s not like porn or the movies. As long as I’m being pleasured and he’s being pleasured we’re good. That’s what sex is about. I think the loss of butterflies is normal cuz the excitement of like (sorry tmi) fingering and oral eventually wears off right? But still feels good. I don’t feel as excited about intimacy anymore cuz we have done it so often but it still feels nice. But my brain perceives that as me not liking sex with men and therefore I’m gay. No I just don’t feel the need to jump his bones every single time I see him?? Idk the friend thing is bothering me. Idk if I feel any joy behind it. The groinal response really really throws my perception off
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