Iāve tested so much that I believe I convinced myself I wanna break upā¦ I also keep hearing I donāt wanna hurt him. When he held my hand randomly I felt better for 2 minutes. I want us to be close again but itās like I found my truthā¦.š
I have 100 percent been there, but trust me, youāll get through it!!!!! I remember my first break up urge almost 2 years ago. I was so convinced I had to break up with him, it was the worst feeling. What helped me get through it was just talking about this to my partner and that honestly made me realize how my brain tricked me into thinking I had to break up with him, when I really didnāt want to. Sometimes itās easier to figure out how irrational your thinking really is, when your partner is asking you questions about it and you most likely cannot explain your thoughts! Thatās honestly what made me realize how complex OCD really is and how youāre not your thoughts ā¤ļø
@Anny1005 I know not all my doubts are ROCD and he knows too. Are biggest issue is our mental state and we both wanna work on it. My brain brings up the fact he doesnāt driveā¦ he is scared of it. So I drive which I donāt mind and honestly canāt blame him bc driving has become way too difficult lately. I love him a lot and my brain attacks his shortcomings. He is changing but he is worried more about my mental state bc Iāve been very very sad about itā¦ I am convinced I wanna break up butā¦ I donāt want to bc I really do wanna move forward with him. I want us to have a future and weāve been together for 12 1/2 years. No abuse thankfully just we both have a lot of mental baggage that needs to be dealt with to move forward
@7710 ā¤ļø I know what that feels like. Both my boyfriend and I have a lot of mental stuff on our plate at the moment, and it hasnāt been easy. Sometimes I feel like I would feel so much better without the relationship, as it always feels like itās bringing up a lot of pain for me. When in reality, it has nothing to do with my boyfriend, but with my own anxiety and fear of losing him. We are currently both focusing on our own issues, but then also take time to get together to work on our relationship and our connection. Itās been hard, but the good moments make it all worth it.
@Anny1005 The thing is I show loveā¦ and I still think I donāt love himā¦ when I mean I feel convinced itās really like I have fallen out of love with my partnerā¦ that I am only with him bc I donāt wanna hurt himā¦ which I canāt tell if thatās true or not anymoreā¦ šš I cuddled his head in my chest despite feeling like thisā¦ I want to love him and save our relationshipā¦ I obsessed so deep I feel that I am stuck and canāt be saved at this point where even saying I donāt love him 5,000 times a day to test myself doesnāt give me a reaction anymoreā¦ š¢š
@Anny1005 I had happy moments where I was able to show so much love that I didnāt get sick or feel off about itā¦ We have a good relationship we really do. Thatās why I wanna save it. I love him deep down. Why would I fight or torture myself with this if i didnāt..
@7710 ā¤ļø Have you ever heard of awaken into love? They have an Instagram account as well as a YouTube channel and really helped me through those tough times! She was having the exact same thoughts that we are having now and explained it all so well, I felt so understood! Thatās when I realized that I wasnāt alone, back when my Rocd first started. Maybe it can help you too! Thatās unfortunately what makes ocd so hard and so painful, that we canāt tell it apart from reality anymore. Your thoughts sound exactly like mine though, I was so convinced I had just fallen out of love with him. I couldnāt even enjoy the time with him anymore cause I was so focused on checking how Iām feeling at every moment. By being so anxious all the time, I didnāt allow myself to feel my real emotions and I was only feeling fear and sadness after some time. Like I wasnāt even shocked or sad at some point anymore, cause I had already gotten used to my thoughts. But that doesnāt mean theyāre true or your real feelings! Thereās just so much anxiety happening for you, that itās starting to feel so so real.
@Anny1005 Can you tell me everything you went thru when you thought you fell out of love!? Like did you think you werenāt attracted to your partner? Did you believe you were bored? Just anything you went thru while thinking this way..
@Anny1005 I am worried I have a crush on someone else at work which is making me believe I donāt love my partner anymoreā¦ š¢
@7710 ā¤ļø Yes of course, let me think back š¤ I definitely thought I wasnāt attracted to him anymore, I was annoyed by him and his personality, even by things that I would normally love. I was just uncomfortable with everything that he was doing and was struggling with any physical touch for months. I also thought a lot about wanting to be single again and being with other guys, even though I was never interested in that before. Suddenly I was being consumed by wanting to experience life more before committing to someone forever. The relationship just didnāt seem exciting enough anymore, which of course is normal, as we had been together for a while and had gotten comfortable with each other. But basically every of those thoughts had me totally freaked out, as I felt it was bad to have them
@7710 ā¤ļø Oh Iāve been there too. I am one of those people that has a thought once, whatever it may be, and I will TOTALLY overthink it for weeks, months. It can be something simple like: oh heās attractive. And here I am freaking out because I feel like I am now attracted to other people and that can only mean that I no longer love my partner. I was paying so much attention to those fears and thoughts, that they became even worse and seemed even bigger to me. I used to think that I had a crush on my boyfriends friend. I honestly canāt stand him, which is ironic, but somehow my brain made me feel like thatās somehow attraction and Iām really lying to myself and that kept me crazy anxious for months, it was terrible. But on a side note: itās totally normal to find others attractive while in a relationship. I would have been the last person to say that 2 years ago, but I am so glad I have come around to accepting that now. That doesnāt mean that you want to exchange your partner for someone else, not at all.
@Anny1005 Itās hard bc everytime I try to test myself to see if I wanna break up I stop. But then the thought of not wanting to hurt him pops upā¦ I feel normalā¦
@7710 ā¤ļø You do sound a lot like me back then. At some point the break up urges simply donāt freak you out anymore, which doesnāt mean that theyāre the right way to go.
@Anny1005 Did you seem like you didnāt have symptoms anymore!?
@7710 ā¤ļø I wouldnāt describe it like that. I was still freaked out and didnāt want to break up. But at some point I got so used to the urge and the hurt by that, that I feel like I got emotionally numb, it that makes sense.
Iām going through the same intrusive thoughts. Itās debilitating. Itās devastating. Itās exhausting. Just know that if you truly didnāt love him, you wouldnāt be upset about it.
i know itās hardā¦
@ObiWanA I know I love him but itās like I donāt. I think about if I love him or not constantlyā¦
@7710 ā¤ļø me too, i donāt even know what love feels like, i even question what we are supposed to feel
@ObiWanA I had confidence that I loved him. Yesterdayā¦ Itās truly like I am in denial
@7710 ā¤ļø you have to keep going, ocd is really convincing but go against it!!
I realized Iāve depended a lot on my boyfriend for comfort through my ocd, and Iām starting to feel like even before my ocd I was paying more attention to the relationship itself more than him, or the attachment: even though I remember distinct feelings of me wanting to be with him forever, and feeling so happy and complete with him, time didnāt exist, I felt like my most authentic self. So now Iām trying to create a healthy attachment and see him as his own person, which was helping at first, but now it feels as if Iām seeing that I donāt actually love him for him, the thought of moving forward in life without him breaks my heart and I donāt want to but my mind keeps telling me that I want it because of the attachment. Heās the exact type of person and partner I would want but it feels like whatever I feel is not enough.. But I DO experience moments of affection and care and admiration for him but they donāt last long..before I started making this shift in perspective even with the ocd I was still so sure and confident in moving forward with him, I felt so much like I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. But now that Iāve made this shift it feels like Iām seeing him from a whole different place. Like all those good and happy feelings I had for him are gone now and I donāt have any confidence in what I want anymore. Before I did feel confident that I wanted to be with him but now it feels like thereās this wall between him and me :( I want to be with him I know I do, because even now I still feel the desire to keep going, but I canāt see the future anymore or the confidence to keep going. I was never much of a future thinker, even in my personal life but this feels like added proof I feel like Iām alone in this like no one else has this situation and the chances for me to realize after I recover that I donāt actually love him are so much higher š
hi! I broke a short period of doing well without compulsions because I got triggered again. Before this, I had about two calmer days where I didnāt spiral so much, but now everything feels worse. Iām scared that I donāt love my boyfriend as much as I used to, or that this relationship is making me feel stuck or sad. Heās a wonderful person, and I hate thinking this way. I smelled a perfume that used to make me feel calm and in love, and now it just makes me question everything. I spent hours last night searching Reddit, especially on r/ROCD, trying to see if someone is like me or if anyone has answers. I keep rereading posts, hoping Iāll feel certain about what I should do. But I just feel more confused. I keep thinking, āWhat if I heal and then realize I donāt love him?ā or āWhat if Iām only staying because I feel safe with him or Iām used to him?ā I feel numb sometimes, or like Iām pretending, and I hate it. I want to feel love and clarity again. I donāt know whatās real or whatās ROCD anymore. I just feel lost and afraid. I talk to hi. now and i feel so strange like i dont want to force myself i want to like him i dont understand what i feel i feel so weird in my chest
Iām in such a dark place right now. No matter what I do with my boyfriend ā kissing, hugging, cuddling, talking ā I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. And every time, my brain says: āThatās it. Itās the truth. You donāt love him anymore.ā I keep thinking Iām forcing myself to act like I still like him just because I canāt accept the truth ā that maybe I fell out of love and donāt want to admit it. When he calls me beautiful, when heās kind to me, when he holds meā¦ I feel numb. And that numbness makes me feel like a stranger in my own life. Like Iām faking everything. Like Iām lying to him and to myself. It feels too real. I used to have moments ā even during intrusive thoughts ā where I would relax in his arms and feel safe and reminded that this is ROCD. But nowā¦ even those moments feel gone. Like the thoughts arenāt lies anymore ā they feel like the truth. And I donāt know what to do with that. My therapist made things worse. She told me things that made me believe Iāve mentally ādecidedā I have to be with him, and that Iām wrong for thinking itās bad to walk away. Now I feel like Iāve built my entire relationship on an idea that I should stay, not that I want to. I feel like Iāve changed. I remember moments of deep love, warmth, and closenessā¦ but now I canāt feel them anymore. And all I hear in my head is āyouāre different now. Itās over.ā Iām exhausted. I feel like Iāve hit a wall. Iām not even crying anymore ā Iām justā¦ empty. What if this is the truth Iāve been avoiding all along? What if I just canāt accept that I stopped loving him? What if this relationship is no longer right, and Iām just pretending? This is the worst itās ever been. Iāve never felt this far gone before.
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