Clueless

I’ve struggled with HOCD for 4 years now and it’s awful. It started with a dream, and now it’s all I think about. Whenever my brain tries to tell me I’m in denial, I tell myself that the volume and severity of the thoughts I’m having aren’t normal which makes me feel a little better. I’m a woman who has always liked men, I’ve had INTENSE crushes on guys in the past. Even with HOCD I still have crushes. But lately it feels like I’m not even attracted to guys anymore - any time I see a pretty girl I check and see if there’s any sort of physical sensation accompanying it and sometimes there is. I don’t get turned on during sex anymore and I constantly attribute that to being possibly gay. It’s terrifying and I worry that my fears will come true if I don’t fight the thoughts, but they keep coming. I have no aversion to the LGBTQ+ community at all, I completely support them, but if I was lesbian it would erase all of what I’ve ever known about myself and that is what scares me. I used to hate being so boy crazy but now I want that back just so I don’t have to deal with these thoughts anymore. I go to therapy and take medication but don’t really talk about the thoughts out of the fear that acknowledging them out loud makes them true. I know I’m not alone, so if you’re also struggling with HOCD I hear you. <3

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Hey, I’m currently going through the same issues as well. It’s really arduous to struggle with this but I think we have to bear in mind that sexuality is fluid and it doesn’t need to be so black and white. OCD wants a definitive answer which isn’t how sexuality truly manifests. Knowing this has allowed me to decipher the OCD thinking and thought patterns — nonetheless I obviously wish I didn’t have these thoughts at all. Sometimes I wonder if these thoughts were ever completely go away? Anyways, I’m always here to talk. Let’s all support one another.

Username: Bse393837Bse393837

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous Thank you so much for your kind reply. I just joined this community and makes me so happy to know I’m not alone in this.

Username: Daisy1398Daisy1398

Date posted: 1y ago

Everything you said is what I’m currently going through. Struggling so hard right now. My chest always hurts because I’m constantly in my head analyzing and sad

Username: Bse393837Bse393837

Date posted: 1y ago

@Daisy1398 Me too. But if it’s any reassurance you’re not alone :) it comforts me to know I’m not the only one going through this stuff.

Username: FuckedupFuckedup

Date posted: 1y ago

I have suffered this on and off for over 20 years and this fall has been extremely bad. It scares me when someone says something about fluid sexuality or that someone realizes his/hers true sexuality in middle-age. I’m constantly ruminating and I can’t get my mind to accept the thoughts. I didn’t know this was ocd until now. I have started therapy in my home country, and the psych says I don’t have to get better asap, but I’m so tired of this.

Username: Bse393837Bse393837

Date posted: 1y ago

@Fuckedup I completely understand. I’m in a particularly rough part too, it hasn’t been this bad since the thoughts first came. And I too was afraid of the fluid sexuality part, but I came to realize the thought of that actually comforts me a bit. It scares me to think that I am a lesbian or bi instead of straight, but in reality those are just labels. There’s so many other components to sexuality and like one of the previous commenters said, it’s not black and white. It’s up to you what you choose to label yourself as, because at the end of the day you know yourself better than anyone else (even if it may not feel like that right now). While the idea of fluid sexuality is scary and still scares me a little, I’ve also learned to find comfort in it knowing I don’t necessarily have to fit into labels. It’s the OCD talking making you think you need to fit into a label and certain feelings you have make you fit into them. I am here to talk if you need, and I hope you feel a little bit better soon. :)

Username: anotherocd123

Date posted: 5y ago

Okay so I have been struggling with HOCD for so fucking long. I never felt like I had crushes on boys growing up but I wasn’t attracted to girls either (this was through 5th grade). Until 6th grade hit. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had the thought walking up the stairs and it was “You’re lesbian.” And ever since that thought was there and I fought it I have been dealing with all types of OCD ever since (been going on for 7 years). And only this year I found it was OCD. But it’s hard because I don’t know if I’m actually gay or I convinced myself I’m gay because I gave up and gave in. Now whenever I see I pretty girl I feel tingling. And I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t a lesbian so I look up pretty pictures of girls with their boobs out and I loved it. And I wanna make out with a girl so intensely. But then at the same I don’t wanna be in a relationship with a girl and I wanna marry a guy and I just desperately wanted to be like by a guy. But I get so horny whenever girls are in bikinis and stuff. But I have OCD and I’m so confused.

Username: Fr0ggy

Date posted: 1y ago

HOCD thoughts are tiring 😓

Before anyone reads this please be aware that this can be triggering and some 18+ content is mentioned on here. So I have been recently experiencing HOCD, been experiencing it for a few weeks now (it’s very new to me and something Ive never dealt with). My whole life I have never liked a girl nor have I ever had a crush or fell in love with a girl like I do with men. But just like everyone whenever people get into heat sometimes we watch things to pleasure ourselves. Well for me it’s always been lesbian love and have been doing that for years. There have been times where I go “am I bi” but then I would try to imagine myself with a women sexually and romantically and I would just cringe at the idea of it so I would just tell myself that I don’t and just carry on with my everyday life. But a few weeks ago I was talking to a friend about this and I explained to them that I am not bi because I would simply see lesbian love as something that I can relate to because of how women pleasure themselves can be relatable and because I said that my friend decides to make a comment saying ”idk maybe you are bi or not, you never know until you try” and for some reason that got in my head and for 2 weeks straight I was having non stop thoughts about my sexuality and trying to imagine myself with a girl and I would always cringe but there were times where it felt like “maybe I do want that” and I would panic again because I don’t want that and it’s not me but yet it feels like I’m lying to myself when I know deep down I’m straight. I also forgot to mention that I am in a relationship with my boyfriend and he’s literally everything to me. But during those two weeks I had lack of sleep and constant mental breakdowns because I don’t wanna be bi and I would panic whenever I felt calm and say things like ”it’s okay to be bi just be bi” it also didn’t help that so many of my friends were telling me that nothing is wrong with being bi and to not drop the idea fully. Like I know sexuality isn’t wrong but I want to drop the idea because I myself know deep down I’m straight but ofc my brain goes “nope you’re just tryna convince yourself”. It also ruins me enjoying my relationship because of these thoughts (as well as some ROCD thoughts). Idk I am just struggling with letting the thoughts in and trying not to analyze them or act on them. It’s very tiring 🥺 Like even rn I feel calm having these thoughts and it freaks me out a lil cause it makes me think that it’s true 😭

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: evilsnail999

Date posted: 1y ago

Suspected HOCD

Sharing my story as I don’t know how to go on/to see if others can relate… I have been suffering with these thoughts for almost 5 months now, triggered by a very specific event. For context, I have only ever had crushes on girls/girlfriends and never had any sort of attraction to men - the vision I had of my future was always with a beautiful wife and kids. I have never felt compelled to have these crushes/visions, they just came very naturally. With that said, a very very small part of me was curious to maybe try and have sex with a guy just once to see what it was like. I never expected this to actually happen but it did, 5 months ago. Long story short, it was an experience I really really didn’t like or enjoy (I left halfway through), and I have absolutely no desire to be intimate with a man again. However, ever since, I have had debilitating intrusive thoughts about being gay and actually liking the experience even though I know deep down it’s not for me. I now get really anxious around the same sex (especially people I do not know) for fear of some sort of false attraction to them and find myself ‘noticing’ them more, which is causing significant distress. On the flip side, I feel like my attraction towards girls has diminished, which is just as if not more distressing, as I always found my attractions to girls happened often and naturally (I.e. not forced in the slightest). It feels like my life has been completely taken over and it feels so lonely sometimes. Any form of intimacy with a girl now feels like a mountain to climb - I’m scared that if I’m not 100% attracted to a girl instantly or enjoy intimacy 100%, that must be proof that I’m not straight. A lot of my time now is spent checking my previous sexual encounters for ‘proof’ that I’m straight but I have a crippling fear that I’m lying to myself and all the genuine attraction I have felt towards women must be a lie. Even though deep down I know I am straight, the thoughts feel so real and convincing. They seem to attack all the values/genuine visions of my life that I have, and I just want to return to being as carefree as I was before this whole thing.

Sexual Orientation OCD

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