Clueless

I’ve struggled with HOCD for 4 years now and it’s awful. It started with a dream, and now it’s all I think about. Whenever my brain tries to tell me I’m in denial, I tell myself that the volume and severity of the thoughts I’m having aren’t normal which makes me feel a little better. I’m a woman who has always liked men, I’ve had INTENSE crushes on guys in the past. Even with HOCD I still have crushes. But lately it feels like I’m not even attracted to guys anymore - any time I see a pretty girl I check and see if there’s any sort of physical sensation accompanying it and sometimes there is. I don’t get turned on during sex anymore and I constantly attribute that to being possibly gay. It’s terrifying and I worry that my fears will come true if I don’t fight the thoughts, but they keep coming. I have no aversion to the LGBTQ+ community at all, I completely support them, but if I was lesbian it would erase all of what I’ve ever known about myself and that is what scares me. I used to hate being so boy crazy but now I want that back just so I don’t have to deal with these thoughts anymore. I go to therapy and take medication but don’t really talk about the thoughts out of the fear that acknowledging them out loud makes them true. I know I’m not alone, so if you’re also struggling with HOCD I hear you. <3

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: Daisy1398Daisy1398

Date posted: 2y ago

Everything you said is what I’m currently going through. Struggling so hard right now. My chest always hurts because I’m constantly in my head analyzing and sad

Username: Bse393837Bse393837

Date posted: 2y ago

@Daisy1398 Me too. But if it’s any reassurance you’re not alone :) it comforts me to know I’m not the only one going through this stuff.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

Hey, I’m currently going through the same issues as well. It’s really arduous to struggle with this but I think we have to bear in mind that sexuality is fluid and it doesn’t need to be so black and white. OCD wants a definitive answer which isn’t how sexuality truly manifests. Knowing this has allowed me to decipher the OCD thinking and thought patterns — nonetheless I obviously wish I didn’t have these thoughts at all. Sometimes I wonder if these thoughts were ever completely go away? Anyways, I’m always here to talk. Let’s all support one another.

Username: Bse393837Bse393837

Date posted: 2y ago

@Anonymous Thank you so much for your kind reply. I just joined this community and makes me so happy to know I’m not alone in this.

Username: FuckedupFuckedup

Date posted: 2y ago

I have suffered this on and off for over 20 years and this fall has been extremely bad. It scares me when someone says something about fluid sexuality or that someone realizes his/hers true sexuality in middle-age. I’m constantly ruminating and I can’t get my mind to accept the thoughts. I didn’t know this was ocd until now. I have started therapy in my home country, and the psych says I don’t have to get better asap, but I’m so tired of this.

Username: Bse393837Bse393837

Date posted: 2y ago

@Fuckedup I completely understand. I’m in a particularly rough part too, it hasn’t been this bad since the thoughts first came. And I too was afraid of the fluid sexuality part, but I came to realize the thought of that actually comforts me a bit. It scares me to think that I am a lesbian or bi instead of straight, but in reality those are just labels. There’s so many other components to sexuality and like one of the previous commenters said, it’s not black and white. It’s up to you what you choose to label yourself as, because at the end of the day you know yourself better than anyone else (even if it may not feel like that right now). While the idea of fluid sexuality is scary and still scares me a little, I’ve also learned to find comfort in it knowing I don’t necessarily have to fit into labels. It’s the OCD talking making you think you need to fit into a label and certain feelings you have make you fit into them. I am here to talk if you need, and I hope you feel a little bit better soon. :)

Username: Lavander

Date posted: 5y ago

Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).

Username: anotherocd123

Date posted: 5y ago

Okay so I have been struggling with HOCD for so fucking long. I never felt like I had crushes on boys growing up but I wasn’t attracted to girls either (this was through 5th grade). Until 6th grade hit. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had the thought walking up the stairs and it was “You’re lesbian.” And ever since that thought was there and I fought it I have been dealing with all types of OCD ever since (been going on for 7 years). And only this year I found it was OCD. But it’s hard because I don’t know if I’m actually gay or I convinced myself I’m gay because I gave up and gave in. Now whenever I see I pretty girl I feel tingling. And I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t a lesbian so I look up pretty pictures of girls with their boobs out and I loved it. And I wanna make out with a girl so intensely. But then at the same I don’t wanna be in a relationship with a girl and I wanna marry a guy and I just desperately wanted to be like by a guy. But I get so horny whenever girls are in bikinis and stuff. But I have OCD and I’m so confused.

Username: mariaxx

Date posted: 5y ago

I’m so exhausted. Been having HOCD since May & had it once before when I was 15 - both times began as me genuinely thinking I was questioning my sexuality, then it became obsessive and that’s when I landed on HOCD. It was more like HOCD that actually questioning. But I will say I do find women attractive, and have always watched lesbian porn & in my mind I guess I do find women’s body’s somewhat sexually attractive. This being said - I have always had boyfriends, always fell for boys and not once have I ever been genuinely interested in a girl or fallen for one. I’m 20 too, so it’s not like i’m only 14. In very open about sexuality and accept everything and everyone, so the idea of being lesbian or bi isn’t alien to me. Some of my friends are gay and lesbian . Earlier this summer I even started coming out to people as maybe being bi, and i was almost pushing that label onto myself to try and accept myself - but it still didn’t feel right and I am still unsure and uncertain. Just want some advice - is this similar to other people’s stories ? Not looking for reassurance, just genuinely wondering wether it is HOCD or maybe I am just abit gay hahaha (which would be okay, just doesn’t really feel right)

Sexual Orientation OCD

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