The p word. Again

18+ I don't really share this with much people but when I do they're usually understand, but don't know what its like. I'm glad they don't. I don't want any of them to struggle with what I go through, that being porn. This makes 10 years that this has been a problem for me. Porn is the only thing that keeps my POCD afloat because I'm constantly questioning the age of people involved. Whenever I'm aroused and I unexpectedly see the visual of someone I know is a lot younger than me it just messes me up everytime. I then ruminate about all the possible instances where this has happened and when this has definitely happened when I was very young. This has never been a good thing for me. Porn is what's causing my low self confidence and my low self esteem. It's what makes me shameful and guilty of myself. Porn is what keeps me in my intrusive thoughts and stuck in my head. Porn is what holds me back from being worry free and overall happy. Porn was a big contributor in how horrible high school went for me. What makes it worse is that there's triggers everywhere and the people around me don't seem to really see the triggers and negatives that I do, which is why I don't share it outside my support group and this app. The amount of guilt and shame that is felt whenever I get trapped into this again is immeasurable. Just don't know what to do right now

heyitsdeem

Date posted: 2y

If you want to, you could. Ive been addicted to porn my entire life and ive been sober for 125 days now, 4 months and 3 days. Ik its hard and i know what its like but once you stop excusing yourself youll make it. Want to quit? You can Once your stop treating yourself as this helpless creature who wants to quit but cant you will actually stop. Its hard but you can When i used to watch porn i felt so pathetic and disgusting it was like my heart was heavy and my mind was dirty but I promise once you stop you’re gonna feel better Its hard, i know that but if i can so can you.

heyitsdeem

Date posted: 2y

@heyitsdeem Whenever you feel like watching porn literally ignore the urge and move on with your life ik its hard but you can, read a book watch a movie and just remind yourself how shitty youre gonna feel after.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

Congratulations on 125 days. One time I've gotten to months without this and it felt great. Right now I'm ignoring urges and trying to get to work. I just have to get my serotonin from other healthy activities and not something that isn't real basically. I felt shitty all night because of my relapse. There's times where I cried because of it too

heyitsdeem

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 I promise that you can stop, I believe in you 🤎 life is so much more than just porn n sex :)

MFB-Maniac

Date posted: 2y

Pray to God to stop you from watching this horrible stuff so you'll not suffer.

LavenderGrey...

Date posted: 2y

Do watch porn frequently? Is there anyway you can stop watching it all together?

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

There are ways but the urges and intrusive thoughts are what keeps this alive. I need to try changing my habits and form new ones that don't correlate to the old habits. Ruminating on the past doesn't make it better either.

LavenderGrey...

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 Yes I definitely think you should stop watching porn. Porn is highly addictive, it’s literally made that way so please do not feel ashamed. It’s no different than modern day sugar, created to be consumed in mass quantities, easily accessible, can be found in “most things”, and is highly addictive. That’s why there is the saying, “Sex sells.” It sounds like it is causing you more harm than good. But you have already made positive steps in the right direction by acknowledging that it is having a negative impact on your life and wanting to change. Quitting anything can be hard, but it is especially hard with OCD. If you are able, meeting with a therapist could be a good route in healing. I would also suggest to avoid watching extremely sexual movies, shows, or even video games bc it could also trigger you.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

@LavenderGreyhound It's been causing me more harm than good for years. It's especially a problem when it targets kids, which is how it started for me. I just need to start fighting the urges and change my hobbies that don't get close to any triggers. Unfortunately, that would mean cutting out video games, which is a go to hobby of mine. What makes me sick the most is the POCD thoughts I get with this. Thoughts calling me a pedophile when I want nothing to do with children. Sadly when I've relapsed through searching disturbing things that made me do a lot of questioning came up and they still bother me. I just want to cut it off completely.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

@LavenderGreyhound I had a counselor that was mainly for my anxiety and intrusive thoughts, not pornography. I did mention it but got little out of it. Counseling helped greatly though

LavenderGrey...

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 Maybe you could get a therapist again to help you work through this? I know it will be difficult to discuss, but you must express the severity of it. And you don’t necessarily have to stop playing video games all together. Maybe just don’t play games that have sexual content or have nudity. I wish you luck, as humans we are capable of things even we think are impossible.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

@LavenderGreyhound I could probably get counseling for the next semester. They'll probably just tell me the things I've seen online and what I've seen on here. Not that that's a bad thing at all, I'm happy for the advice. Thanks for talking with me.

Canofbeans

Date posted: 22w

Adult content and OCD (18+)

I thought I'd gotten over sexual obsessions, since they haven't been bothering me at all until I had a flare up yesterday. I usually struggle with masturbation due to a combination of both anorgasmia from SSRI medication along with intrusive thoughts, so I thought that an adult film should work fine and went on the hub as per usual. Everything went well until I "finished" and looked at the video title afterwards. My stomach dropped as the title had the word "teen" it in. I felt nauseous and gross because I'd previously struggled and became horrifically suicidal due to the pocd I thought I had under control. Now I know that by the word teen, it means an adult actress that's 18-19 and I'm only 20. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm gross for watching and that it was illegal material, even though I am fully aware that it wasn't, so I've been ruminating over it endlessly. This is more of a vent, but I feel like all the progress I've made with my ocd just went down the drain ☹️

ughhhh

Date posted: 22w

I feel gross interacting with adult content.

18+ people with this thread please. I just want some advice from people who have experienced this. Its been almost 2 years since my real event and i can confidently say that i feel a bit better about that and my thoughts. (We still have bad moments but we recover.) but, ever since then and before, i feel nasty and gross whenever i engage or interact with adult content. Like this nasty guilt or feeling like i cant interact with it because then my ocd says “this proves that your thoughts are true and your perverse” and after i always feel empty and disgusting. Besides things like that, i read adult fan fiction sometimes or even write stories for my original characters. And yesterday i shared these stories with a close in person friend of mine. (Were both in college) and they were fine about it we laughed about it but then after i felt guilty-my brain was telling me “you traumatized her she just doesn’t wanna tell you” obliviously this isn’t true but im having a hard time believing it and this morning i woke up with a deep dread that i hurt a friend and im horrible. I can say that they’re more positive about these things then me and i think thats why we got into the conversation and i felt comfortable to share these stories but i just can’t get over it. I have a strong urge to ask for reassurance but i know it wont help. I literally have no one else to talk to about this. Ive spoken to my therapist about this guilt with adult content and we have yet to expand on it especially how it goes hand in hand with my asexuality. My therapist tells me its human to feel things like this and its ok to perform self care like that and again-im a human person its usually normal for 19 year olds to be like this especially for someone my age but i dont feel normal. I feel nasty. Does anyone else feel this way? How did you confront this guilt and how did you feel comfortable again interacting with these feelings and actions again? I dont really have a desire to do s*xual things often (im on the asexual spectrum) but when i do i dont want to feel like this. Especially when my ocd types effect it. Advice is needed and appreciated thank you for your help.

Anonymous

Date posted: 17w

Thinking u did something u not sure if u did

Hey guys I just wanted to talk about something I was feeling I feel so trapped and terrible I have a bad pornography addiction even back then idk what to do I'm 17 years old but basically I looked at some very obscure things on the Internet ranging from hentai or just even more messed up things when I was younger I think maybe early teens I remember randomly just started remembering things I saw now I do not remember if I acted on them or jerked off to them idk what to do I feel so ashamed trapped I feel like I can't enjoy life anymore for what I've done I been introduced to porn when I was young idk what to do I seem alot back then some memories pop certain ones I don't remember if I had pleasured myself to it it feels like I did I have so much shame if I did but idk what to do

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The p word. Again

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