- Date posted
- 2y
ROCD?
I feel so defeated. Im 21, I have had a few serious long term relationships since 15 years old. Since 15 i have experienced what im assuming is rocd. I have never made it to 2 years with a partner before, they all walked away! The spark in all my relationships died down fairly early in. And even with the "spark" i had thoughts and feelings (anxiety.) up until the partner left. My boyfriend and i have been together basically 2 years now, and from the moment we actually made it official the anxiety started, but i chose to stay regardless. Back in August his family suffered a really bad motorcycle accident and i did not leave his side at all! Now i was fine, no spark, but i felt like i was in a good place mentally. Then i offered to go 8 hrs away for about 2 weeks to take care of his family. I cried for a brief second when he left, but i felt absolutely nothing. I was barely sad. When he left, i wasn't sad, i felt like i didnt miss him. That made me panic for a few days but eventually the panic stopped. This entire time (August to now) I've been feeling like i dont love him? But that's odd, i always have. We broke up twice (he needed a break the longest was a week.) i wasn't even sad, when we spent a week apart i was fine. I am so triggered that I didnt miss him or cry, or feel anything. I am so triggered i dont feel the physical anxiety over this rocd (if that's what is is) Im not looking for reassurance, but im also not sure why im posting this either. 😅 Just the i wrote his Christmas card, and had to google what to write because im not in that honeymoon phase and literally had no idea what to write. I used to hate time apart, i used to get jealous and now absolutely nothing. I wish i had feelings, or could feel happiness.