POCD and explicit anime content

i need some advice!! when i was 16, i was watching an anime and this character had abs and he was 12. i remember at the time (from what i can remember), i made a weird comment on his physique. saying things like “omg how did he become this buff haha.” and “oh im going to jail.” i even said “it’s only a 4 year difference.” like WHAT?!? just because it’s a 4 year difference, doesn’t make it okay. its WEIRD!! why would i say that? i also want to mention that i have a hard time keeping my thoughts to myself bc of my ADHD, so i tend to blurt things out. i just find it disturbing that i would have such thoughts, let alone say it out loud. i never had attraction to kids bc its immorally wrong and disgusting, but i feel no different from the ppl who would hurt children irl. I’ve tried forgive myself multiple times, but what i did is irredeemable. i feel like i am using my OCD as an excuse. i am so scared that i am a p, i want to d1e. my life is ruined.

I'm 17 years old I struggle with addiction I have a problem when I masterbate I have intrusive thoughts idk if I think them I'm so scared also back then I know when I was younger I looked at obscure things hentai all that my idk what to do even I feel like I'm a monster or im a bad person I need help I feel so distraught I feel like I can't live life to the fullest anymore even from last year I looked at content that was animated but it had a character in it that was underage I felt so ashamed and felt like a monster I had a compulsion to check it only to find out they are not around my age range idk what to do I probably sound like a freak I'm sorry I'm always trying to replay my memory and try to remember my intention and what I was doing how I come across how I was doing a action yk all that

Hi everyone, I'm struggling with what I think are intrusive thoughts, possibly related to OCD, and I'm hoping someone here might relate. When I was younger, in my early teens, I went through a period where I had a strong interest in pornography. During that time, I encountered hentai involving male characters, related to an anime I enjoyed. One of the characters was someone I even looked up to. I feel incredibly uncomfortable admitting this, but I believe I engaged in sexual activity related to it. Years later, I'm plagued by intrusive thoughts about this. I feel intense self-disgust and shame. It's like this memory has "tainted" my ability to enjoy that anime, and sometimes other things. I'm constantly replaying the situation in my mind, questioning my past actions, and worrying about what it means about me. The anxiety is significantly impacting my life. Does anyone else experience intrusive thoughts focused on past events, particularly those that cause feelings of shame or disgust? How do you cope with the constant replaying and questioning? I'm looking for support and understanding. Thank you for listening.