- Date posted
- 2y
Tougher Day Vent
(Disclaimer: I am simply writing down everything going through my mind here and all of the stuff I have been thinking. These are all the thoughts that are driving me crazy. I know this isn’t the type of post you’d typically see from me on here but this is just me letting off steam. I don’t advise people to try to answer some of the questions I’ve written here, but I’m human and and struggling. My recovery will not be as smooth as I’d like it to be. This is a journal entry of my headspace, but anyone can read it if they want.) TW: Physical attraction struggles- especially related to weight; doubts of relationship, and of some common treatment mantras. I want to let this out of me to see if it helps. I’m having a tougher day and struggling. My partner got a haircut yesterday which is hard for me because when his hair is shorter I think his face looks a bit heavier and his facial weight is more noticeable and distressing to me. He would like to lose weight and says he’s unhappy with his body but we don’t have the gym time we wish we did and it’s a bit of a drive. I also really believe you should be able to accept your partner as they are and changing them in any way is horrible, or at least wrong. Anyway, we decided to go out to breakfast, (I’m proud I did because I pushed myself when I wanted to stay in and forget the world,) and the whole time I’m quiet and trying not to focus on his face, my interpretations of it, his pudgy neck, lack of jawline, and what I perceive as plainness. Or if it’s actually okay. I’m trying to sit with it and let it pass without engaging, but the questions, which don’t even feel like ROCD at times, are driving me crazy and feel so overwhelming and frustrating. I know that ROCD can make you feel that you’re not attracted to your partner, and that I had/ have severe Body Dysmorphic Disorder (and am still overly worried about my jawline and still don’t use mirrors over a decade later) but I’m so scared of there being truth to this- which I get is a huge thing with ROCD. Is it even possible that ROCD (or BDD, if that’s at play here) could distort my perception of him at all? A little bit? To this degree? Am I seeing him realistically? I had a thought at breakfast that he’s a 3 or a 4 out of 10. >_> Do I really believe the whole “thoughts are just thoughts . . . and by themselves don’t have meaning” thing? Do other people think very differently and/ or see something different when they see him? If I could magically turn off mental issues, would his appearance be different to me? Would it be possible that I’d be okay with it? Could I possibly like it? Is this something that won’t change with my treatment and I’ll just get better at accepting it? Will I have to end this relationship if I can’t? Why did he tell me when we first started dating over 3 years ago that “I could probably do a little better than him?” I know, I know, I’m performing compulsions and doing exactly what I should NOT be doing. I’m ruminating, I’m judging, I’m rating, I’m entertaining breakup urges, I’m searching for certainty, and I’m comparing my perception of his appearance to others. I should be starving my OCD but instead I’m giving it an endless all-you-can-eat-buffet. >_> This just feels different and I’m feeling the need to get to the bottom of this and am so antsy. I don’t even know the answer to any of the questions I’m spewing. I feel like if I got the answers to these questions I could let go, and stop ruminating but I am clueless. The facial distortion aspect of these illnesses has always fascinated me. I know with BDD some attractive people who could be models can look into mirrors and see a 2/10 looking back at them. Is this happening here? I know it’s a bad and dangerous road I’m speeding down right now and this is a bad lapse. I’m just for some reason at a place where playing investigative detective feels right and sitting with this and letting it pass doesn’t feel tempting or the way to go at all. >_> Gahhhhh. >_> I’m going to do an exposure and try to sit with it. I hate this. 😞