I am devastated - Advice please

I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years and before we went on holiday all I wanted was to get engaged (or so I thought, because people kept saying when are you getting married, when will you have a baby?) and I’m happy the way we are. Then on holiday my BF joked about buying me an engagement present and I had a panic attack and two whole days of worrying, “does this mean I don’t love him anymore, is there something wrong with me”, even picturing myself not being happy on my wedding day so my imagination went wild. I know deep down I don’t ever see a life without him but I feel pressured to follow the path everybody does and I’m just not ready to get married but I’m 34 and people (society) say that’s what I should be doing. I know that I do love my BF very much, we live together and have a pet, so I’m very much committed, but since then I’ve been having urges to ‘check’ I still love him, for example if we cuddle do I feel a certain way, or having constant thoughts in the third person like “she doesn’t deserve him, she is a bad person, she is lying, she doesn’t feel anything” and the thoughts whizz around constantly. I know that this is my condition but I have a wonderful relationship and I am turning cold and distant because I feel so depressed and empty most days. ?

Social media is really kicking my butt. I keep seeing people who say "my SO loves me but I only like them" and the advice is to break up. I've been having trouble being into my feelings for most of my relationship and didn't realize it was ROCD until after it caused huge tension in my relationship (now repaired), but I still struggle to say "I love you" because it's hard for me to feel the strength in emotional connection that comes with love. Every time I get a negative thought about my bf or relationship, it just gets harder bc I feel like I only recognize negatives about him. He means so much to me and I adore him truly, but I don't understand why I'm struggling to feel it. Even when intimate, I just don't get it. It's like I'm kissing him, but my mind is elsewhere and I feel incredibly guilty. When we are talking, it feels like I'm bored and trying to focus even though it should come easy for someone you care to listen to and it makes me feel like I genuinely don't care for him which is false. I feel like dissociate sometimes because I'm there but just not present not really. I hear but don't listen. I'm forgetful. I am confused. Does anyone else have or has had this experience? What do you do? How do you fix it? Because at this rate, I'm just feeling like I'm making excuses for lack of feelings.

Do any of you also have this feeling that you don’t love your partner and you are with them for the wrong reasons ? It feels very real. But I want to love him so it makes me sad. Is it still part of ROCD or does it mean that my feelings are a sign that my fear is true (that I really don’t truly live my partner). We have been together for three years pretty much. We have been in long distance relationship since this September and have been trying to fix our relationship for a year after a break up (due to my constant doubts and feeling that I don’t truly love him). I was so excited to visit him like a child before Christmas, now that I’m with him I realise that I don’t feel the way I thought I would: I don’t feel intense love and excitement and it sometimes even feel strange. I don’t feel much and I’m hoping it’s just because I need to get used to be around him again but sometimes I even feel suddenly that I’m with him just out of convenience such as staying out of fear of changing my routine. I do feel a bit of that for sure because I’m so used to have him around me and for me that without him my life would feel very strange and empty. But I want to love him so bad because like everyone I want to be in a relationship but also because it is a good relationship, he is nice with me, caring, I love to cuddle with him, we experienced a lot together, he changed me (in a good way), he motivated me to become a better person more motivated, he gives me confidence and I like to make him proud, when he spends time with friends or family I feel a bit sad because I wished I was experiencing what he is doing with him, I’m attracted to him and I’m obsessed with his smell, the way he cuddles me make me feel relaxed. Moreover he is a driven person, loyal, mature I imagine a successful future with him. Please help me I’m so scared to be in denial and to not actually love him because when we started dating it was kinda right time right place because I wasn’t attracted to him but he was nice with me and I wanted to have a boyfriend and I hoped I’d fall in love with time. I don’t want to start all over again with someone else and when we went through breaks I often compared others to him (e.g.: he dresses better, he is more interesting…etc (my bf that is)). I want to stop doubting and just love him and we cant continue together for years with doubts all the time … help