HOCD and lack of anxiety

@zzyyxx But it’s making it feel so real… the intrusive thoughts are bad enough… with intrusive thoughts of dudes, their privates, and doing explicit stuff with dudes… but the intrusive feelings either make me feel like I’m in denial or that I want the thoughts when I dont… I also get HOCD false attractions that target this specific friend and I hate it so much…

@Givenup I know what you are going through. I've been there and honestly sometimes i still fall into OCDs traps. But just know that these are the basic tricks of OCD. Making uou doubt every thought every emotion or even every feeling and physical responses. Whatever you say yourself to prove that your not gay or you are not in denial, OCD will find another way to doubt it again and again. So instead of fighting it, accept the existence of these thought. Yeah you have these kind of thoughts so what? Everyone can have these thoughts or even worse. There is nothing we can do to stop coming. Instead of reassuring yourself or ruminating you can try to let things go. It sounds ridiculous right now i know, but it makes huge difference. Whenever you have these intrusive thoughts you can tell yourself "yeah maybe i'm gay and maybe i'm in denial rn, in fact i think i'm gay so what? I may be gay or i may not be gay that is a possibility too. Do i want to know for sure? No i don't. And honestly i don't care." And just go on with your everyday life. Be prepared to tell this countless of times if necessary. And you don't even have to believe it. Just say it. And you'll see it gets easier and better everytime.

@zzyyxx It makes me scared and anxious to do that… it makes me feel like I’m not anxious and then gives me a backdoor spike. It’s like this HOCD is intelligent and is doing everything to fight me… I only want to be with a woman my age and above… that’s all I want…

@Givenup It is not intelligent trust me. What feeds it is your fear. It is not fighting you it is bullying you. And as long as you keep caring these thoughts, they will only become stronger. These doubts and these thoughts are not yours. They belong to your OCD. Fighting a bully won't bring you victory. Deep down you already know who you truly are. You've just said it. So you don't have to make your OCD believe it too. Let it think whatever it pleases. You just move on with your life. You choose to be happy and leave it to its own misery.